WACKOS ON JACKO
Editor's note: Okay, you've figured it out by now, right? Our story on Sedona "healer" Dr. Reinalda de Souza was satirical (see The Bird for full details). De Souza didn't really ritually sacrifice a Rottweiler puppy to hex the "King of Pop" into suffering a fatal heart attack. She doesn't even exist. We made the whole thing up to poke fun at the media mania over Michael Jackson's demise. Here's a sampling of reader response:
Misplaced priorities: It's remarkable that within the scope of this woman's foul perception of what is right and what is wrong, the criminal act of killing an innocent puppy goes unrecognized.
New Times Feedback
She sliced the neck of a 4½-month-old pup she'd brought home from the pound. The horror of her actions should not be described again, except in a courtroom before a judge.
Where is the ASPCA in Sedona? I'm outraged at the puppy's death, not Jacko's.
Rick Karbon, Chandler
Misplaced priorities, part two: New Times should have reported [Dr. De Souza] for animal cruelty. What a disgusting soul she is to take the life of a puppy! Sick-ass!
Babe, via the Internet
Dog hater: One more Rottweiler wiped off the face of this Earth is fine with me. Thank you, Reinalda.
Cat Lover, via the Internet
Oh, the irony: Just because you don't believe in action at a distance doesn't mean it isn't true. This woman has some potent credentials, and I love her comment [in the story] about Sedona being filled with "stupid hippies" who don't know nearly as much as she does.
MaryK, via the Internet
Philosophies of the dim . . . Nice: What's so unusual about Michael Jackson's getting acupuncture and crystal therapy? As for De Souza's curse, there are more things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in the philosophies of the dim.
Jim Bristwell, Phoenix
The good doctor's a murderer?: This story is real! I believe it. Scary. I, too, study this art. Reinalda De Souza sounds like a real beast.
In this art, you can't kill without getting back what you sent out. The life of a dog does not cut it; she needs human blood to stay alive. So she has probably killed someone!
Mr. Sensitive: Yeah, Dr. De Souza's crazy! So was Michael Jackson! Hello! This chick's a story. Just like every freaky thing Jackson ever did. People want to gloss over that all now. But he was a pedophile, a pervert, and a drug addict. Good riddance.
Michaelsanut, via the Internet
What makes you think we didn't?: Met this crank once. She looks like a bag lady. She doesn't represent Sedona, or people into New Age medicine. Why not stop a homeless person in Phoenix and ask him about the last time he was on a UFO with M.J.?
A true healer: I can attest to meeting Dr. De Souza on several occasions. She not only helped relieve my diabetic neuropathy, but she also helped rid my wife's body of an ovarian cyst.
Whether or not she actually killed Michael Jackson, I cannot say. She is a very kind soul and may have exaggerated things a bit with the writer.
David Wiggins, Bisbee
Alpine? Don't you mean South Park?: Please! Don't you know, Dr. Reinalda De Souza, that I have the bones of the Elephant Man? Michael Jackson gave them to me in return for "services rendered." I have no intention of ever giving them up.
Whatever voodoo you try to put on me to get them back will only come back on you 10-fold! I caution you, Dr. De Souza, you do not want to cross my path. I acquired the bones fair and square. Just get over it and move on. You had your revenge.
Eric Cartman, Alpine, Colorado
She is a monster: Ummm, she killed a puppy, so I hope that something is done about it. It's animal cruelty to kill a 4½-month-old puppy.
Some things are better left secret: Dr. De Souza, I cannot thank you enough for what you did for my shortened leg. It's about time you got some press about your wonderful gift. If not for you, my life would have been hell!
Your wonderful combination of chlorine, phosgene, and mustard gas (or Yperite) to help extend the molecular structure of my left leg is uncompromised. I can wear sneakers again! You rule, De Souza, you rule!
Oh, at least they didn't ask you about your tetrodotoxin, botulinum toxin, and ricin experiments with that group of retarded children from Kentucky.
Rob Parsley, Phoenix
Bravo to Mr. Rossi: What a piquant antidote to the madness going on [over] Jacko. Bravo to Mr. Rossi for this fine send-up of the "King of Pop." Granted, Jacko had some good tunes, [but] people need to get a grip.
Notorious, via the Internet
Dear Teacher. You're an idiot: Dear Mr. Rossi and those who employ you: I implore you to stop writing these types of articles ("I Killed Jacko," "Joe's a Nazi"), used solely for the purpose of getting people to read your rag.
I read New Times occasionally because, mainly, I'm sick of reading the Republic's constant reminders of how I'm still not going to have a job next year (I'm a teacher with a master's degree, currently employed at Circle K). I also like the music section; that's about it.
Can you write something worthwhile that will get shit accomplished, please? Why don't you use your ability to print whatever the fuck you want and use it for good? How about, let's say, write a piece that's worth reading about how teachers are being ass-fucked by the government right now?
Just write something important, not some article that's going to get some poor psychotic, holistic Sedona resident killed by some Jacko-loving nut-job.
By the way, are you hiring?
He should have: I wonder if Billy Mays ever called on her for services?
Fattie Fatkins, Gilbert
Another fine fabulist: What Madame De Souza did is not out of the ordinary in our town of Sedona. There are many healers like the good doctor, but few have her experience or plethora of degrees.
I saw Michael Jackson in Sedona once, late at night at a restaurant that he had reserved for his private party. I didn't realize the place was closed to the general public and had gone there hoping to get some vegan fare — the best in town. I also saw Farrah there on another occasion, though she was with a man inside the place, in a secluded booth. I almost didn't recognize her; she was so skinny and apparently disease-ravaged.
I've never met De Souza, but I've heard of a healer to the stars in our midst. Jackson was a pitiful soul who probably needed all the help he could get to rid himself of the demons that made him love little boys.
Scientology cured a couple of prominent actors of homosexuality; De Souza's remedies are more plausible than L. Ron Hubbard's.
Omar Tedesco, Sedona
Deep breaths, Pasquali. Deeeep breaths: Seriously? Really? Was this an honest-to-God real story? If it was, please e-mail me so I can drive to Sedona and slit her fuckin' neck and hold her until she dies kicking and screaming.
To wish death on someone is one thing. To think that this bullshit voodoo New Age hippie shit will cure you is just ludicrous. People, we are in the 21st century now. Knock off this magic shit. It doesn't work!
And she killed a defenseless Rottweiler puppy! ASPCA will be getting my phone call as soon as I confirm this story is real.
How's Granny, Jethro?: I can attest to the healing properties of Dr. De Souza. She rubbed the blood of a French poodle on my member and now I'm hung like John Holmes (before he died, of course). Long live Dr. De Souza!
Doc, just keep performing your brand of miraculous medicine; don't listen to stupid dog lovers. "Stupid hippies," one and all. It's not a Saturday night at our house in Bev-er-ly unless we ritually sacrifice a dog or two.
Jethro Bodean, Beverly Hills, California
Hmm. Could happen: Dear Joe Rossi: So, there I was, at the car wash, minding my own business, when this woman sidles up to me and says, "You want I should make it so your car never needs a wash and wax again?"
And I think to myself, "This could be the opportunity of a lifetime."
As a reference, she hands me this article titled "Michael Jackson's Sedona Murderess Revealed," while pointing to herself and nodding.
Then she takes out some sort of rock and says to me, "Place this under your front seat, driver's side, and you'll never need to wash that car again. Also, the pressure from your weight will turn this into a 40-carat diamond within six months."
"What's the cost?" I ask, wide-eyed with wonder. Turns out, I only have to give her a couple fingernail clippings and a sliver of hair.
Dixon, via the Internet
Now you know, Todd: I thought [the story] was great satire. A laugh a minute. If it was satire . . .
I'm not so sure it wasn't true. With a nutcase like Michael, anything's possible. And I've heard of this Dr. De Souza.
Todd Rutledge, Los Angeles
A Jacko apologist vents: To all the M.J. haters: You believe Jackson touched little boys because you wanted him to touch all little boys. You project all your sick, twisted fantasies on something pure, innocent, and platonic. He surrounded himself with little boys, so he must have been fucking them; he had sleepovers with little boys, so he must have been fucking them.
You people are scandal whores. Never mind that he was never convicted of one damn thing and that many of his accusers have since recanted and admitted that they lied — no doubt being put up to it by greedy parents who were just out to bilk a money train.
Michael Jackson transformed the world, and it just drives you nuts that someone so eccentric held such an undeniable power over people, so you spew this ignorant drivel.
David Billings, New York
You killed him, too?: Oh, boy. This one is a hoot! I love it. Keep the fun coming. Can't wait to see how many people fall for this load of bullshit. This community needs to be tested. We need to realize we shouldn't believe everything we read.
I love it when you all do satire. It exposes the ignorance, idiocy, narcissism, and prejudice of our silly society. It is truly one of the smartest forms of comedy. It is an over-exaggerated mirror of the subject, thus exposing the ridiculousness of this Michael Jackson media frenzy. BTW, I really killed Jacko!
Mike Jackson, Chandler
Jeff gets it: Isn't it ironic that satire on Michael Jackson is more truthful than all the hype we've been reading and seeing on this perv? Thank God somebody showed this little freak for what he was.
Leave it to New Times to make huge fun of all the crap out there. It was like the perv stuff never had happened. New Times is funny as hell in hitting the mark. You made my day!
Jeff Cochran, Glendale
Yeah, that needles part was kinda funny: The funniest part of this, um, exposé was when she put needles in Jacko's "nether region" and left him in that naked state while she went grocery shopping. See, he loved humiliation. Righto!
The Ed McMahon part was a hoot, too. Hi-yo (cough) oh (cough) oh (cough) oh (cough). And the Gipper's aura being the color of cow dung.
Ha! Joe Rossi is wasting his time writing for a newspaper. He should work for SNL.
Tim Cartwright, Los Angeles
The Joe part is true; he really is "so far gone": Isn't Joseph Rossi the name of the reporter on the Mary Tyler Moore Show? Where is Lou Grant in all this? Did he edit this hoax?
The best part of this story is when you write: "De Souza was asked what Arpaio was seeing her for, and she replied: "His fading mental facilities. You know, he's a babbling 77!" De Souza says, "I told him to start playing sudoku. And to take as much ginkgo biloba as he can handle. He's so far gone that I wouldn't waste an ounce of cubic zirconium on him."
John Frazer, Tempe
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Poor Farrah: To quote the story: Farrah Fawcett? "Yes, poor dear, she came to Sedona. I placed warm jasper on her buttocks." Lord.
Poor Ronnie: "By the time they got [Ronald Reagan] to me, his aura was the color of cow dung." Genius!
Tyler Durden, via the Internet
We didn't do one in 2008: How about you guys leave the satire to satirical newspapers? Every year you all do some stupid-ass stunt like this. I want actual stories, not crappy satire like this.
Alan Cebolla, Phoenix
Yes, it is a hoax: This story is a hoax! As for you idiots at New Times, Michael Jackson was a talented, kind, and generous man. You assholes should go back to writing about your obsession, Sheriff Arpaio. I noticed you just couldn't resist mentioning him in this "story." All I can say is fuck you.
Jackson Rules, Phoenix