Brit Pap

The Flash gets the coolest e-mails. I'm just guessing, but I believe this one had its genesis in Great Britain:

To the citizens of the United States: In the light of your failure to elect a new President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. Tax inspection officers representing Her Majesty's Government will call in due course to collect monies owed, backdated to 1776. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition, the following rules will be introduced, with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

2. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

3. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

4. There will be no such game as "American" football. The NFL will be duly closed down. All players will remove their kevlar body armour, resist the urge to rest every 20 seconds and learn to play rugby properly. Initially they will probably have to play with the girls. Any of those still wishing to play football will be taught the rules of soccer.

5. You should declare war on Quebec and France. We will gladly assist if they give you any "merde."

6. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. It will be replaced by November 5th.

7. Mel Gibson will be arrested and hung for treason forthwith.

8. You will stop referring to the World Series of Baseball, at least until the rest of the world actually joins in.

9. You will not say "Whaaaasssup." Ever.

Thank you for your co-operation.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >