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Green Egg on His Face
This verse, attributed to one Dale Connelly, was aired on Minnesota Public Radio--ostensibly to provide a means for parents to explain Fellate-Gate to their tots. With sincere apologies to Dr. Seuss (a man who should have been president), the Flash recounts it here:

The Bubba of Scuz
And the Bimbo of Loo
Were sharing a pizza
With nothing to do.

They sat and they talked
Although little was said.
So they dabbled in bumblefunumpus instead.
(Which cannot be explained
And is never polite
Whether done in the daylight
Or darkness of night.)

But the Bubba of Scuz
Was a Loyalty Scout
Which meant that with Bimbos,
Funumping was out.

The Loyalty Scouts
(An unusual breed)
Thought that telling the truth
Was the best of good deeds.

If ever you slipped
Into trouble so deep
That you thought that a lie
Was the best way to keep
Your brains in your head
And your seat in your pants,
A Loyalty Scout would say
"Don't take the chance!"

A Splonger named Ken
Had been watching the glade
Where the Bubba and Bimbo
Funumped in the shade
"At last" said the Splong
(A responsible guy)
I now have what I need
To entice him to lie.

The Bubba of Scuz
Was then pressured to tell
Of the things he had done
In the glade by the dell.

"Did you yert with palookas?
Or miff some goopats?
I heard that you fleegered
A blooper with gnats!"
"I have done no such thing,"
said the Bubba of Scuz.
"Those things aren't the things
That a Scuz Bubba does."

"But what about Bimbos?"
Inquired the Splong.
"Funumping with Bimbos
Is equally wrong!"

"I never funumped
With the Bimbo of Loo.
If you say that I did,
What you say isn't true."

Except that it was,
Bringing Bubba up short
When the Splonger named Ken
Made his final report.

So take this advice
When you're feeling ashamed.
Stick to the truth
Or you'll wind up defamed.
The Loyalty Scouts
Will muster you out.
Your good friends will wonder
What you are about.
And history's scribes,
Remembering you,
Will skip all the good
You endeavored to do.

Like the Bubba of Scuz
Who, 'til history's end,
Will be linked to his Bimbo
And the Splonger named Ken.

Spin City
Mayor Skippy Rimsza recently chided a gathering of the city's spin jockeys (you know, public-information officers, flacks). Skippy reportedly admonished them for not keeping him informed of what we inquiring minds in the media want to know.

And what would the mayor do with such pertinent information? Skippy apparently didn't say. However, his request triggered some serious grousing among the usually smiley-faced bevy of PIOs. Some vowed to flood Skippy's office with paperwork. Others merely rolled their eyes.

Isn't it pathetic that the Skipster can't get any respect even from the city's flacks? A quaint suggestion for Skippy: Why not find out what the citizens are interested in?

The High Cost of Losing
Arizona State University's overhyped football team has been notable for one thing this year--penalties. Through their first three games, the Sun Devils have racked up 32 penalties for 309 yards. The Devils are the biggest scofflaws in the Pac-10.

The blizzard of penalty flags means two things: The players are too dense to follow the rules--which are essentially the same from Pop Warner through college--and the coaches are failing to instruct. Lax entrance requirements for blue chippers allow ASU to recruit players who have a difficult time learning anything other than basic offensive and defensive game plans. ASU coaches admit they can't make significant adjustments during games because players can't respond.

What a sordid commentary for a major public university. A friend of the Flash's--a big ASU fan--was lamenting the Sun Devils' plight (meanwhile, the University of Arizona is 3-0) and wondering who is presiding over this football fiasco and how much they are paid. The Flash is only too happy to lay out the facts:

Head coach Bruce Snyder, 58, is the highest-paid person on the ASU campus, raking in $525,000 a year in salary, plus perks. His lifetime coaching record is 110-90-5. Good, but not great. During his six-plus years at ASU, he's 42-29, with one Pac-10 title and a Rose Bowl defeat.

Snyder's half-million is just the beginning of the gravy train for ASU football coaches.

Offensive coordinator Dan Cozzetto, 43, knocks down $115,000 a year. The Sun Devil offense is ranked fifth in the Pac-10 going into the Oregon State game.

Defensive coordinator Phil Snow, 42, also makes $115,000 a year. Snow's a strong proponent of man-to-man pass defense--the very stratagem employed during a U. of Washington touchdown drive that culminated in a 63-yard score on fourth down and 17 with 30 seconds to play. The TD sent the Sun Devils to a 42-38 loss in the opener. ASU's defense is ranked eighth in the conference.

Richard Arbuckle, 59, is in charge of special teams and tight ends. His pay: $96,000. So far, bonehead penalties by special teams have botched two punt-return TDs by J.R. Redmond. The tight ends have made little contribution to the passing game.

John Pettas, 47, is paid $89,500 to coach one position, quarterback. That works out to $29,833 per "student athlete" he coaches. ASU's three quarterbacks--Ryan Kealy, Steve Campbell and Chad Elliot--have not exactly knocked the competition in the head so far. Kealy is ranked fourth in the conference in passing efficiency.

John Barr, 51, has the dubious task of handling inside linebackers, who have essentially disappeared the first three weeks as powerhouses such as North Texas State ran unchecked up the middle. Barr pulls down $81,320.

Two coaches make $73,830: Robin Plfugrad, 39, is in charge of receivers, one of the few bright spots. Defensive line coach Kevin Wolthausen, 40, on the other hand, has a nightmare on his hands. ASU ranks ninth in the conference in sacks.

Defensive backs coach Ronald English, 29, earns $48,554 in his first season. Maybe he'll teach ASU defensive backs to look for the ball once in a while rather than simply assaulting a receiver. The pass defense is ranked ninth in the conference.

Running backs coach Cornell Jackson, 37, has lots of talent to work with. But the backfield is already banged up, and must face a tough Oregon State defense this weekend. In his third year at ASU, he's paid $64,739.

The grand total for 11 football coaches: $1,282,773--or $116,615.72 per coach.

The average salary at ASU for a tenured professor is $74,002.

Feed the Flash: voice, 229-8486; fax, 340-8806; online, flash@newtimes.com


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