Conquering Sin City
The Flash is not making this up. On July 21, the lead editorial in the Arizona Republic asked readers to help create an advertising slogan or jingle to help the Valley -- the "Un-Vegas" -- compete with Las Vegas for tourism and convention business.
It seems the money-grubbers in Sin City are siphoning off too many dollars from the money-grubbers in Phoenix. A true emergency.
The Flash was only too happy to offer some suggestions, most of which originally appeared in the "Daily Flash, A Reader's Guide to the Arizona Republic" (available exclusively at www.phoenixnewtimes.com/archive/dailyflash/), with some actual suggested print ads created here for your edification.
We Want You in Phoenix
Provided You've Got a Gold Card
Unlike Las Vegas,
We Let a Sports Mogul Run the City
We're So Un-Vegas
In Vegas, The Mob Keeps a Lid onCorruption
Unlike Las Vegas,
Our Point-Shavers Get Caught
Build Your Self-Esteem:
Spend an Hour at Metrocenter
You'll Be Enthralled
With Our Sprawl
Tempe Has Sex Appeal
Fall in Love With Our Rubber Dams -- And Don't Forget Your Damn Rubbers
See Van Buren Street:
More Bang for Your Buck!
It Ain't Mustang Ranch, ButWe've Got Lower OverHead, If You Catch OurDrift
Giant Liver Spot in the Desert
Don't Miss Bank One Ballpark
(It's Sponsored by Las Vegas)
Find Relief in Phoenix
(Offer Not Valid at Bank One Ballpark)
More Old Farts
What Are the Odds?
Of getting hit by a falling bullet: 3-to-2.
Of having someone you voted for convicted ofa crime: Even.
Of getting rear-ended: Certain.
Of witnessing road rage: Certain.
Of having a meal prepared by a former governor: 4-to-1.
Of getting hit by an errant golf drive: 3-to-1.
Of being washed away in a flash flood: 5-to-1.
Of being mummified in the desert: 3-to-2.
Of witnessing a police shooting: 6-to-5.
Of seeing a motorist turn left from the right-hand lane: Even.
Welcome to Phoenix
Favorite Destination of Protected Witnesses
Welcome to the Valley
(But Please Don't Assassinate Sheriff Joke)
We're Number Three!
(In Street Fatalities)
You'll Love Our Weather
Falling Bullets Outnumber Raindrops!
Welcome to South Phoenix
Go Ahead and Drive By
We Care So Much About OurVisitors, Our Citizens Build Them Hotels
Arizona: Land of Opportunity
Just Ask Ned Warren, CharlesKeating and J. Fife Symington III
The Arizona Republic Wants You:
To Visit Phoenix, Play Golf, Move Here, Buya Home With a Pool and a Vaulted Ceiling in a Gated Community, Register Republican, Put Your 2.4 Kids in a CharterSchool, Buy Several Cars, CommuteFromNorth Scottsdale, Get Season Tickets for the D-Banks, the Cardinals, the Suns, theCoyotes, the Symphony, the Ballet. AndDon't Forget toRead The Rep!
Vacation in Phoenix
The Stockholder You Benefit May Be YourNeighbor
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Phoenix Is Chock-Full of Pricks!
We're Not Vegas
(Although Las Vegas Lacks a Real Daily Newspaper, Too)