How to Split Arizona Into 10 States
Now that there's a plan to slice up California into six states, it's time to unveil our plan to divide Arizona into multiple states.
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the 10 states of Arizona:
10.) Baja Arizona
Description: This state has actually been proposed before, as a way to escape the general insanity of Arizona lawmakers.
Governor: Current Congressman Raul Grijalva
Economic Activity: Businesses that are friendly toward immigrants.
Description: Maybe there's something in the water here, but residents seem to embrace openly corrupt governance.
Governor: Current Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu
Economic Activity: Political fundraising.
Description: Home to most of Arizona's most famous rocks, including Window Rock, all the big rocks in Monument Valley, Horshoe Bend, and the Wave.
Governor: Current Navajo Nation President Ben Shelly
Economic Activity: Taking people on tours of said rocks.
Description: Well, there's the Grand Canyon. And, uh . . .
Capital: Grand Canyon Village
Governor: Current U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar
Economic Activity: Burro rides down the Canyon.
6.) Black Helicoptonia
Description: America's largest collection of people who have seen bigfoot, been poisoned by chemtrails, anally probed by extraterrestrials, and believe Obama is the anti-Christ.
Governor: Radio host/conspiracy theorist Alex Jones
Economic Activity: Imports of tinfoil hats, bomb shelter construction.
5.) Truck Stoppisota
Description: Absolutely nothing, other than truck stops alongside Interstates 10 and 8.
Governor: Daniel, of the Daniel's Really Good Fresh Jerky store in Quartzsite
Economic Activity: Fast food, assorted truck stop staples.
4.) Flower Ranch
Description: A strange combination of hippies who believe in magic rocks and plants, and cowboy-types.
Governor: Whoever has personality traits closest to Hunter S. Thompson
Economic Activity: Sales of magic rocks, vortex tours, psychedelic drugs, and tickets to rodeos.
3.) Sunshine, an Active Adult Community by Del Webb
Description: An entire state for old people, built by Del Webb.
Capital: Sun City
Governor: Current Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Economic Activity: Things that can be purchased through Medicare.
2.) Square Footington
Description: Here, there are only a few important things in life. Those things are, in order: Square footage of their home, the existence of a pool, how many cars fit in the garage, and boat and RV storage.
Governor: Fulton Homes founder Ira Fulton
Economic Activity: Construction.
Description: The place where Terry Goddard actually gets elected governor. A state where people prefer to fund education and public transportation.
Governor: Terry Goddard
Economic Activity: Mostly dominated by coffee shops for the hip.
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