In this corner, wearing the purple and orange shorts, please welcome a man who's won four NBA championships, Suns center Shaquille O'Neal!
And in the other corner, wearing the pink underwear and panting like a dog with emphysema, give it up for the man who's had at least nine inmates die in his jails, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio!
If only Arpaio had challenged O'Neal to a boxing match. We'd love to see the old windbag on a kindergarten step stool, trying to land a shot to Shaq's stomach. But alas, Sheriff Blow apparently doesn't have those kind of balls -- only basketballs. So he's challenged O'Neal to a free throw contest, promising to return the Suns star's special deputy badge if he agrees to let the sheriff ride his jersey tails for some more pointless free publicity.
Arpaio had stripped the basketball legend of his deputy badge after Shaq made a video bad-mouthing his former L.A. Lakers teammate, Kobe Bryant. But the sheriff's baiting isn't working. Shaq's acting like Arpaio doesn't even exist (if only...)
This story on KTAR talks about how Shaq decorated his locker with yellow police tape. After denying he knew who this Arpaio dude was, Shaq said, "I work for Chief Tom Ryff, Tempe P.D." Then Shaq denied seeing the reams of yellow tape he'd put around his locker.
That sounds a lot like Arpaio, who was caught on tape this past election year by local watchdog Dennis Gilman, saying he didn't know who his opponent in the race, Dan Saban, was, and therefore wouldn't debate him. "I don't know any SOB-in," Arpaio said. (Saban's name is pronounced SAY-ban).
Well, apparently Shaq doesn't know any Arpaso, Appraiser, Asspatter, or whatever his name is either.
This whole thing would be even funnier if Joe Arpaio didn't have real work to do, and real messes to clean up (not that he does much of that, anyway; check out all those unserved felony warrants). Instead, Arpaio's whoring himself out to TV stations while simultaneously trying to pimp out Shaq for his PR.
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Just yesterday, he was on XTRA Sports 910, babbling for 30 minutes about benign blatherskite, like how he once pulled Elvis Presley over when he was a cop in Las Vegas and let him off with a warning. (If you're having trouble falling asleep, you can listen to the whole rambling on an audio stream here).
But we gotta admit, it would be entertaining to watch Arpaio try to make free throws. We can't even picture the guy holding a basketball, even if he looks like a basketball himself in all his rubbery roundness. Maybe Shaq should slam dunk him. Now, we'd buy a ticket for that!
Arpaio has long touted himself has "the toughest sheriff in America," but if he really wants to show the world how tough he is, maybe he should challenge DMX to a roshambo freestyle rap contest instead.