As we predicted, it would take an army to keep an old camera-hound like Sheriff Joe Arpaio from a network television camera in his county, and last night's episode of Police Women of Maricopa County proved exactly that.
Joe made a cameo at the end of last night's show -- for the second time in three episodes -- holding one of his patented deadbeat dad roundups.
The sheriff held a press conference in last night's episode, just before swarms of officers scoured the county serving warrants.
As you may have guessed, Joe wanted to "send a message."
"I want to send a message to everybody out there to pay your child support," Joe told reporters. "That's what it's all about."
Unfortunately he's right -- in a county well-known for its number of un-served felony warrants, it seems rounding up Mexicans and deadbeat dads is what it's "all about" for this sheriff.
The first deadbeat to meet the firm grip of the law gets a visit from Detective Deb Moyer, the feisty mother of teenage boys, who refers to the deadbeat she's hunting as "the big fish."
Deb has been getting friendly with "the big fish's" ex-wife, so after she drags the deadbeat out of his house and brings him back to the roundup's staging area -- where Arpaio happens to be waiting with cameras standing by -- she gives the wife a chance to yell at the man.
In front of cameras -- and Arpaio -- Moyer interjects in the argument, too, as Joe stands silent, looking more like a confused bystander than "America's toughest sheriff."
The rest of the show -- aside from segments with Amie Duong, the only reasonable deputy featured in the series -- was just a collection of crude comments and overzealous police work providing little-to-no public service.
Take Deputy Kelly Bocardo's penis game, for instance.
Bocardo responds to a traffic dispute between two men, where one of them claims the other deliberately wouldn't let him switch lanes.
When told the man's actions were done deliberately, Bocardo, looking stunned, says, "I'm thinking 'what do you mean deliberately?'"
Well, Kelly, deliberately means he did it on purpose rather than accidentally -- glad we could help.
With both parties on the side of the highway, Bocardo pulls the wife of the man in the car that supposedly nudged the other car on purpose and asks him an important question: "Is this a case of my penis is bigger than yours?"
Excellent analogy. Penis size often plays a large roll in most traffic disputes -- everyone knows that.
After admitting she can't cite either man for anything, Bocardo, coming off as an cocky GED candidate, decides to prove that she's got the biggest dick of them all and gives the driver an "ass-chewing."
"Showing a little courtesy on the road can actually save your life, or your child's life," she tells the camera after the altercation.
Similarly, showing a little courtesy to the citizens she's supposed to be protecting could keep county residents from being terrified of the MCSO.
Lindsey Smith put her potty-mouth to work in last night's episode, too.
After pulling a man, his young wife, and infant child over for "squealing his tires," as the family claimed to be going to buy some bread, Smith was "ready to rock."
The man had no driver's license and was apparently lying to Smith, so she decided "he's full of crap -- so I sent his ass to jail."
Smith's jail-filling operation wasn't done just yet.
Smith responded to a traffic stop where three black guys were allegedly cruising around with an open container.
Smith tells one of them to pull his pants up because "his pants are so damn low his junk's hangin' out."
After a search, she finds a bag of weed in one of the men's shoes. Not a big bag, but enough to have a good time -- as Smith herself notes.
After the bust and the men have been sent to jail, Smith tells the camera: "It was a good stop; we got dope, we got an open container -- cleaning up the streets of Maricopa County, that's what it's all about."
About half an ounce of weed and an open container are off the streets -- every county resident should be able to sleep soundly tonight.
If you don't love Deputy Amie Duong, you should.
Duong seems to find herself in the worst situations of any of the officers and handles each incident professionally and with courtesy -- even if the situation involves an old lady claiming that her husband is pissing on her when she sleeps.
"Here I thought I was dealing with some urinating ninja, who can just sneak into a room without waking her up and just sneak out without anyone knowing," Duong tells the cameras after the incident.
Duong later finds out that this "ninja" couldn't walk because of a knee injury and was basically being stored on a mattress in a spare bedroom.
So, who was the phantom pisser? Duong contends it was probably the woman herself, who happened to save each pair of soiled underwear just to show the police.
Duong politely tells the woman that there's no evidence suggesting the man had been peeing on her and suggests that it might have been one of the woman's 14 dogs.
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SHOW ME HOW
We wouldn't have been so nice. We would have looked at this kook and said, "Look, lady, you have 14 dogs, a gimpy, hillbilly husband trapped in a room, and you look nuts -- chances are you're pissing on yourself."
But, Duong's not crass like us. She tells the woman she can't make any arrests but promises to take the soiled underwear to the County Attorney's Office, where they will decide whether to press charges.
Well, that's reassuring.
Don't tune in next week but check back to Valley Fever, where we watch it so you don't have to.