Can someone punch up Elton John's Candle in the Wind? Yes, as our year of national mourning begins for Anna Nicole Smith, with zeppelin-like statues to be erected in her honor and her inevitable lying in state to come, the Friday Poll wishes to memorialize the big-ass bottle blonde by asking, "Do you feel sorry for the Texas tart with the billion-dollar heart of gold? Or are you hatin' on her deceased, TrimSpa-snortin' ass? And how long before you're sick of her?"
Initially, I was thinking of a terribly vulgar query having to do with humping her bod while it was still warm, but I've decided to opt for the high road, seeing that they're sawing up her corpse as I type. I actually met Anna Nicole once in L.A. when I was covering this transgendered beauty pageant in Silverlake for the New Times L.A. Smith was a judge, and apparently high as a cloud on pills of some sort. She was huge -- look at the size of that hand! But she was very friendly, and gave me a ginormous bear hug, forcing my head into her chest as she laughed.
People really got into this one, which makes me think she was a bigger celeb than folks wanna give her credit for. Answers are from the New Times editorial staff. Names have been omitted to protect the dillweeds.
10) from a Tucson-lovin' lady, "I'm not sorry for her now. She's dead. As for the coverage, after a-half hour, I'm done."
9) from a babe vacationing in Florence, "I'm kinda sorry. She's being so badly made fun of in the blogs. It's sad when you were a joke in life, and even a bigger joke in death."
8) from a hellacious horn-dawg, "Is the body really still warm? Dude, I'd so hit that."
7) from a chatty Cathy, "Sorry for her? I suppose so -- but really it's more that the line up of life horrors is such a great car wreck to watch. Not sick of hearing about it yet."
6) from the cat lady, "I feel sorry for anyone who faces struggles in life. I doubt many of us would appear at our best under that kind of scrutiny. But she's at peace now..."
5) from a cool blonde, "SORRY for her? A chubby, not-particularly-smart waitress whose every dream came true? Come on -- she died rich. And famous. And really, really beautiful. And surrounded by drugs. We should all be so lucky..."
4) from a mega-hottie, "I used to watch her show and laugh my ass off. But since then, she's become a truly sad character, especially with her son dying and all. So yeah, I feel sorry for her. Even more so, I feel sorry for that poor baby she just had."
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3) from the staff metrosexual, "I don't give a shit. When I read her obit yesterday, I didn't know 90% of what they were talking about. That thing about marrying an 89-year old man or whatever, who cares!?"
2) from the Omaha-boy, "I''ll never be tired of her. I'll always have the fantasy -- simply, my face buried in her bosom forever, a soft, warm place completely at peace with my most base instincts...In fact, I think I'd like to be buried with her. How much would that cost?"
and the Number One response to the Anna Nicole Smith Friday Poll is,
1) from a big hairy butthole, "The Marilyn Monroe of our generation? She didn't fuck a Kennedy. She just fucked some old dude."