Tiger Woods Announced He's Sorry and The Onion Announced His "Return to Sex;" Hilarious
On the same day that Tiger Woods announced how sorry he was for bonin' cocktail waitresses and porn stars, the satirical newspaper The Onion made an announcement of its own: Tiger Woods will be making his triumphant return to the world of sex -- obviously satirizing his probable announcement on his inevitable return to golf.
The article is one of the funnier things we've seen in a while, as it seems the paper took a lot of actual Tiger Woods quotes and just replaced the word "golf" with things like "fucking," or "having sex."
Here's a taste: "Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."
We're assuming the actual quote was taken from when Tiger was forced to sit out during the majority of the PGA Tour last year after suffering a knee injury.
NBA Preseason Basketball: Phoenix Suns v. San Antonio Spurs
TicketsMon., Oct. 3, 7:00pm
NBA Preseason Basketball: Phoenix Suns v. Utah Jazz
TicketsWed., Oct. 5, 7:00pm
Arizona Coyotes vs. San Jose Sharks
TicketsFri., Oct. 7, 7:00pm
TicketsSat., Oct. 8, 7:00pm
Similarly, if fucking were a sport, Tiger was forced into a bit of a hiatus when he checked into rehab for sex addiction in late-December.
The Onion goes on to "quote" Tiger discussing his return to the bedroom for sexual trysts with porn stars, cocktail waitresses, his caddy, and just about anyone else he comes in contact with.
"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."
"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."
According to The Onion, Tiger "is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA."
Check out the whole Onion article here.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Phoenix New Times' biggest stories.