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Tranny Tweeter

Molly Crabapple

Aside from rumors of the dodo's demise during his time spent writing last week's cover story, "The Yoda of 9/11," the most rib-ticklin' this rooster's received of late has been from observing Sand Land's liberal elites fall over themselves to offer Zonies a tranny in every bog, a chick with a stick in every ladies' loo.

Of course, if you've been keeping up with events in the blog of this buzzard's twin, Feathered Bastard, you'll know that AZ Attorney General Terry Goddard's taken up the cudgel for Michele de LaFreniere, the transgendered dood who's looking to become the Rosa Parks of the men-in-pantyhose crowd in his/her ongoing war with Scottsdale nightclub Anderson's Fifth Estate.

As The Bird first carped last year ("Tranny-Gate," December 28, 2006) de LaFreniere's a guy en route to becoming a chick who still retains, as far as anyone can tell, his male plumbing. (De LaFreniere refuses to get specific on this point.) De LaFreniere, who just happens to be the chairperson of Scottsdale's Human Relations Commission, used to frequent Anderson's with her crew of fellow third-genders, and had been using or abusing the women's restroom there, depending on whom you ask. Owner Tom Anderson said he was getting complaints up the wazoo from biological gals about how the TGs powdered their noses standing up, and he eventually had to ask de LaFreniere & Co. not to return.

Well, hell hath no fury like a faux woman scorned. De LaFreniere and his/her comrades began picketing Anderson's, threatening boycotts and whatnot, if they were not readmitted. Anderson, who runs a relatively square joint, with Saturday nights catering to thirty- and fortysomethings reliving their Ronald Reagan-era youths with '80s dance music, has held his ground, citing customer kvetching and possible liabilities from having fellas in female attire sharing loo space with femmes.

Indeed, the solution seems a no-brainer to this feather-head: Let the owner decide! Plenty of gay, or just plain trendy, spots have unisex facilities. But no one expects more conservative joints to adopt the same policy. Or do they?

Enter compliance officer Jason Hughes of the AG's Civil Rights Division with a letter to Anderson dated June 22, requesting the club owner come in for an "interview" regarding a discrimination charge leveled at his business by de LaFreniere. Seems de LaFreniere went to the ACLU first, which forwarded the complaint to the AG.

"What sex were we being charged with discriminating against?" asked Anderson when phoned by this perturbed parakeet. "If a man wears a dress and stands in the female restroom to urinate, whose rights am I discriminating against?"

Anderson retained legal beagle Charles Kelhoffer, who fired back a letter to the AG claiming there was no basis under AZ law for the AG to pursue the matter. Contacted by this cockatoo, AG flack Andrea Esquer declined comment, stating that the AG's office could neither confirm nor deny an investigation, uh, even though the paperwork's out there. But she did state that the AG's office was legally obliged to look into such cases, and that the first order of business would generally be to get the two parties together and hammer out some resolution.

The latest is that Anderson has declined to come in voluntarily for tea and crumpets with the AG's henchman, saying he'll only appear if he's subpoenaed. If the AG's office does that, it could be political suicide for Goddard when he eventually runs for governor, as everyone expects him to, once Governor Janet "Manet" Napolitano moves on. Maricopa County Attorney Candy Thomas, Goddard's putative gubernatorial rival,would be sure to hang this tranny controversy around Goddard's neck like a 10-ton albatross.

What does Goddard's office wish to achieve? Unisex toilets for all public places? A third bathroom across the board for the transgendered? If he wants to set a precedent, this clucker can promise him it'll never happen. Hell, there's no gay marriage in this state, and he wants to push bathroom rights for trannies? Ironically, Goddard's office, in Esquer's words, "vigorously defended the Defense of Marriage Act" — you know, the one that says one man, one woman, and no two of a kind.

Equality Arizona, a gay rights advocacy group, has jumped into the fray, listing l'affair de LaFreniere along with "various incidents of anti-lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender bias and violence in the city of Scottsdale," on a Web site petition at http://eqfed.org. Equality Arizona spokesperson Sam Holdren informed this egret that the EA believed a "suitable solution" would be for Anderson to allow transgendered persons to avail themselves of any "single-use" facilities on the premises. Then Holdren made a startling assertion, that trannies continue to show up at Anderson's, even if de LaFreniere ain't welcome.  

"I know there are transgendered people in there, patronizing it regularly, his establishment," Holdren assured me. "He [Anderson] just doesn't know."

So if transgenders are still showing up at Anderson's, what the hell is this contrived controversy all about, and why is the AG's office involved? This cormorant's cool with gays, lesbians, bisexuals, trannies, folks into S&M, talon fetishists, you name it. But if some dood's in a dress in a straight club and he wants the right to pee upright in the ladies' W.C., then he's crossed a line even this debauched duck can't defend.

SOVIET P-TOWN

Ever wonder what it would be like to live in the bad old Soviet Union, where the only people you could vote for were those chosen by the state? Dictatorship of the proletariat, this Tsarist saddlebill remembers it being called in history class. Well, you don't have to use your imagination anymore, folks. You're living smack dab in something similar, courtesy of Comrade Phil Gordon and his army of city apparatchiks.

See, ol' Philly Cheesesteak's been afraid of one, and only one, man in the mayoral contest — the Rev. Jarrett Maupin, who at the tender age of 20 has already garnered oodles of enthusiasm among Phil's fellow Dems. Following the revelation that Goober Gordon had endorsed Republican John McCain for president, Goober's practically been persona non grata at lefty events. At the Maricopa County Democratic Convention, his speech received only polite applause, with at least one Dem confronting Phil on the matter before Hizzoner skedaddled. Maupin followed Goober on the stand, and fired up the crowd of precinct leaders with a rip-roarin' speech lambasting Phil, as was described in a previous column by this partridge ("Run, Goober, Run," July 5, 2007).

Subsequently, Maupin received the endorsement of the local Progressive Democrats of America, and the Rev's big, gold and maroon signs were popping up all over PHX. Phil must've been peein' his pantaloons.

Despite his incumbency and his million-dollar war chest, Goober was encountering opposition. But this race was supposed to be a cakewalk for Fast Money Phil, a landslide that'd bolster his claim on the governorship when the time came.

Then on July 5, Phil's Deputy Chief of Staff Bill Scheel met with Maupin in the offices of State Senator Leah Landrum Taylor. During the odd huddle, Scheel spoke of the need to groom new city council candidates, and how one way to do this would be to have prospective city pols serve on various public committees in order to learn the ropes. Scheel gave Maupin his card, and Maupin said that he believed an "offer" had been made, an offer Maupin rejected.

As reported first in the Feathered Bastard blog, Gordon's campaign challenged Maupin's signatures almost as soon as the Rev submitted them. Now, challenging sigs is sometimes routine, but the circumstances in this case were not routine. Maupin submitted nearly 4,000 signatures to the city clerk's office on deadline, Friday, July 13, at 4:55 p.m., according to the timestamp on his paperwork. You need 1,500 valid sigs to qualify for the mayoral ballot, and Goober had someone present waiting for Maupin to file, according to City Clerk Mario Paniagua. Goober's campaign spent the weekend poring over the signatures, and then challenged just about everything they could, asking that whole pages of sigs be disqualified because some of those soliciting the sigs were allegedly felons who'd not had their rights restored. Also, there were quibbles about handwriting, lack of ZIP codes, wrong addresses, and so on. Ultimately, only 1,409 sigs were found acceptable by the City Clerk, 91 short of the number needed to allow Maupin to qualify for the ballot.

On August 6, Maupin sued the city, saying there was plenty of evidence to show that he had the 91 sigs needed, and that some of the "felons" listed had their rights restored, thus the sigs they solicited should not be thrown out. Maupin's lawyer, Republican John Acer, argued Gordon had received an unfair advantage in the process.

Judge Peter Swann ultimately ruled that the clock had run out and ballots had already been printed, so he dismissed the case on the grounds of "mootness," stating that the court, "makes no finding concerning the underlying merits of Maupin's claim."

As this feathered fiend's column goes to press, Maupin has promised an appeal to the Arizona Supreme Court, and City Clerk Paniagua has told this toucan that the deadline has passed for Maupin to be an official write-in candidate. The fix is in, just like it was for decades back in the USSR. There is another candidate on the ballot, Steve Lory, but though a nice guy, he lacks the fire in the belly Maupin possesses, and Goober's happy to have Lory as a straw man. If ever the Rev could use a miracle, now's the time. Otherwise, we're stuck with phony Phil Gordon for another four.  

ARPAIO, COMPASSIONATE?

You know it's bad when Sheriff Joe "Nickel Bag" Arpaio comes off looking the teensiest bit reasonable. Like he did August 2 during one of the regular Thursday-night prejudice parties for Rusty Childress' United for a Sovereign America held at Childress' Kia dealership. Golly, this skeptical seagull figured the goofy lawman would be kickin' it with white supremacists like Childress pal J.T. Ready, maybe even high-fivin' the fat Mesa muttonhead. He might give John the Scot of the White Knights of America a big ol' bear hug, or flip skinhead Damon Ashenfelter a neo-Nazi salute. (They have all been past attendees of Childress events, you see.)

That's why The Bird slipped in to the clambake incognito as per usual, so as to suss the situation. There were more folks than normal in attendance, but no Ready, Ashenfelter, or John the Scot this time. Could Childress have told them to stay away, thus avoiding the resulting embarrassment if it were reported Arpaio'd been chillin' with white-power types? Hard to say, especially since there were a couple of people present whom this sapsucker suspects of being skinheads, just not the ones mentioned.

The sheriff stuck to the usual snooze-a-rama in his hour-and-a-half speech to the assembled, patting himself on the back for being such a superb lawman and stroking himself for his racist illegal immigrant hotline, and his new humanitarian idea: not allowing illegals to visit loved ones in his jails. When someone in the peanut gallery suggested the sheriff let illegals in his jails, but not out, the rednecks present went wild, as if they were watching a Jeff Foxworthy marathon on TV.

Other bon mots from the great man: "I would love to hire a maid for my wife, but I can't find a legal one"; "When I do national talk shows, I get flowers from California"; and, "Nobody wants to listen to me. Not one politician has come to me and asked my opinion. And I have 14 years of experience."

At one point, Arpaio asked, "Where's that New Times guy?" Then pointing at some schmuck scribbling, not this beak-bearer, mind you, he wondered, "You from the New Times?"

Jeez, Joe, how could you not know what this falcon looks like? There were pics up all over Childress' dealership there with The Bird's name on them.

The funniest part came when Arpaio said, "I have compassion for the Mexican people, but I'm torn between that and doing my job." It was as if the whole audience of shitkickers mouthed the words silently, "Compassion? For Mexicans?" Sheesh, the sheriff's lucky he got out of there alive.


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