Like all good celebrity worshippers, we enjoy the Oscars telecast, the jokes from Billy Crystal, the awkward mispronunciations during foreign film awards, feigned surprise, looks that could kill, and incidental swearing in acceptance speeches.
Our penchant for dress criticism rivals that of Joan Rivers, and makes us both the most fun person at Oscar viewing parties and also the bitchiest.
That's why we've selected a handful of gowns -- nothing less than stunners -- for the five Best Actress nominees to parade around in during the pre-show, while posing pretty and answering Ryan Seacrest's inane questions. Should the ladies don these duds, we'd have no choice but to shut up (no matter how difficult that might prove).
5. Meryl Streep For her portrayal of former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, Streep is nominated for Best Actress.
It's her fourteenth Best Actress nomination, and the craft's modern matriarch has won a total of two golden guys. But Streep hasn't made an acceptance speech since 1982's Sophie's Choice.
Seems like the lady's due for another win, and what better than a slinky but romantic Valentino gown with an airy, white bodice that blooms with lily pad-like appliques from the house's Spring 2012 Couture line.
Next: Michelle Williams
Williams is nominated for her role as bleach-blonde sex symbol Marilyn Monroe in Simon Curtis' My Week With Marilyn.
It's her second Best Actress nom (Blue Valentine brought her first), hot off a Best Actress win at the Golden Globes.
We'd love to see the dainty, ethereal Williams allude to the lady she's nominated for playing by wearing this vamped up Versace gown with a hint of a tiger print and gold accents to complement her dirty blonde pixie cut.
Next: Viola Davis
Davis is nominated for her role as middle-aged house maid, Aibileen Clark, in the big screen adaptation of Kathryn Stockett's The Help.
While the famed stage actress has won two Tonys and Drama Desk Awards, Davis hasn't yet won an Oscar. She was nominated for her performance in Doubt, and this marks her second nomination.
The actress would turn heads in this enlivening confectionery pop of deep pink color from Giambattista Valli (in spectacular contrast to the muted pansy purple of her Golden Globes Pucci dress).
Next: Glenn Close
2. Glenn Close
Close takes on the role of a woman masquerading as a man in 19th century Ireland in Albert Nobbs, and the dramatic role has garnered her a sixth Oscar nomination. Close has never won an Oscar, despite memorable turns in Fatal Attraction and Dangerous Liaisons.
Close is pals with Giorgio Armani. So it wouldn't be surprising to see her take to the red carpet (as she has before) in one of his designs. For the Golden Globes she wore Armani, and for the Oscars we're hoping she'll don his chic, sleek frock from Armani Prive.
Next: Rooney Mara
Mara's portrayal of Lisbeth Salander, the title character in the film adaptation of Stieg Larrsson's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, brought on her first Oscar nomination.
She's going through an "it girl" period, with anyone and everyone obsessing over the designs she's worn -- mostly black and white -- while promoting the film.
We think Chanel would make for a nice departure from Mara's stark, edgy tendencies, and this bouncy, blown-out giraffe print is the perfect fit.
Watch the 84th Academy Awards on Sunday, February 26, on ABC 15. Red carpet coverage begins at 5 p.m. and the ceremony is scheduled to start at 6:30 p.m.
Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest.
