Best Smoking Patio 2013 | Hazelwood's First Place Sports Grill | Bars & Clubs | Phoenix
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Best Smoking Patio

Hazelwood's First Place Sports Grill

Taking a drag at Hazelwood's isn't much of a drag, since the 2,000-square-foot smoking patio's a fairly pleasant place. A gigantic metal awning cloisters things from harsh sunlight, while the shoulder-high cement fence dampens the traffic noise from Indian School Road. Several ceiling fans keep the fresh air circulating, and strategically placed air conditioners and heat lamps make temperatures tolerable, depending on the season. A ring of six HD screens hangs from the ceiling, typically tuned to whatever big game is happening at that particular moment, while local folk and acoustic troubadours visit the corner stage Sunday and Wednesday nights. And there's always free poker every Sunday and Monday evening.

Best Go-Go Boys

BS West

Benjamin Leatherman

There's nary a trace of body fat to be seen gracing the chiseled shapes of BS West's hunky crew of go-go boys. It's to be expected, considering that these musclebound specimens of hunkitude not only practically live at the gym but get in upwards of four hours of hardcore cardio shaking their nearly naked moneymakers during twice-weekly appearances at the Scottsdale gay bar. And believe us, the four to five body-painted dancers who appear on Wednesday and Saturday nights do indeed make mad bank, as evidenced by the wads of dollars stuffed into their revealing low-rise briefs by the extremely appreciative gay men and straight women eager for a big slice of beefcake. The go-go boys reward such generosity with a few suggestive pelvic thrusts in the patron's direction while perched atop their platform, each timed perfectly with the high-energy beats laid down by DJs. It's one of several moves in their respective repertoires — along with hip-shaking, strutting, and fist-pumping — and often results in wide eyes and big smiles because of the size of their, um . . . Let's say that rock-hard abs and bulging biceps aren't their only endowments and just leave it at that.

Best Go-Go Girls

Martini Ranch

Martini Ranch's upstairs Shaker Room is aptly named, considering the vast amount of hip-shimmying and rump-bumping that gets unleashed between its walls on weekends. The most eye-catching booty shakers in the place, however, typically are the go-go girls prancing on the bar, steel boxes, or any of five different stripper poles. The leggy, scantily clad dancers and their sexy moves are often the center of attention (and the stars of hastily shot cell phone videos) during the four nights they perform. At the all-ages dance party, for instance, the girls of Platinum Entertainment sport LED-laden brassieres and spangly belts and boots that glimmer in the colored lights at the off-the-chain all-ages dance party put on by DJ Slippe. During Retox Sundays, however, it's like go-go's gone wild as they'll squat down to drizzle booze into mouths or allow dudes to get in a free spank or two while friends record the scene. Hope your girlfriend doesn't see it all on YouTube.

Best Strip Club

The Candy Store

The sweet strip club thrills doled out at The Candy Store pack much more of a kick than your average sugar buzz — and it's almost as inexpensive. The North Phoenix topless showclub charges only $5 to get in after 6 p.m. nightly (with no cover on Sundays), various drink deals are offered throughout the week, and there's a coupon for a $2 beer or well cocktail on its website. It's one of the reasons we keep coming back, since it allows us much more green to devote to all of the club's choice selection of eye candy, which is one of its other pluses. Though stacked and silicone-enhanced dancers are among its roster, most of the girls here are of the naturally endowed variety, including a couple pulling off sultry femme fatale or Suicide Girls looks with numerous tats or Bettie Page bangs. It adds to the throwback vibe of the Candy Store (which opened in 1988 and is one of the oldest clubs in town), as does all its copious neon lights and spotlessly clean but enjoyably divey charm. Its VIP areas are quite swanky-looking; however, you'll have to pay a little extra for that particular privilege.

Best Place to See Strippers and Rockers

Elite Cabaret at 910 Live

Jessica Obert

You'd be hard-pressed to find a single strip club in the Valley that doesn't feature rock 'n' roll blaring as exotic dancers bump and grind away. Elite Cabaret at 910 Live is no exception, as its music mix is heavy on classic jams from the likes of Gary Glitter, Cheap Trick, and The Doors. Thing is, this Tempe strip club will do you one better: There's an open-air concert space in the back hosting live rock gigs. Earlier this year, the proprietors of 910 Live transformed the interior of the nightclub and venue, which once served as infamous rock bar Boston's, into a ritzy topless club drenched in pink and purple hues and boasting multiple stages and swank furnishings. The live music moved outdoors, where cabanas and seating ring a 40-square-foot stage. Since the changeover, it's featured appearances from rock icons like George Lynch of Dokken, who performed in April, and former Sex Pistol Glen Matlock and Blondie drummer Clem Burke's The International Swingers in May. Best of all, concert admission gets you into the cabaret, where you can have your own personal after-party.

Best Gay Dance Club

Charlie's

Matt Hennie

DJ Tsunami has a secret for getting things moving at places like Charlie's: "In an LGBT club," he tells us, "you target the males." And when largely young and decidedly fashionable gay guys mosey into the notorious cowboy-themed establishment during his late-night sets on Tuesdays and Saturdays, he rocks their bodies (and, thus, the party) with rhythmic pop, urban dance, and high-energy EDM. And thus he also rocks the derrieres of lesbians, straights, drag queens, and gay vaqueros alongside them on the rustic dance floor and scattered throughout the sprawling estate, via the clubwide sound system. Mission accomplished. Tsunami isn't the only one keeping things energetic at Charlie's, as its colorfully diverse nightly offerings also include DJ Mode dropping Top 40 and Latin on Thursdays, go-go boys on Sundays, and various down-home dance lessons and country nights throughout the week. Best of all, the taquería next door also stays open until 3 a.m. on weeknights and 4:30 a.m. on weekends, should another trip to Jenny's down the road seem blasé.

Best Gay Bar

Nu-Towne Saloon

Benjamin Leatherman

Nu-Towne Saloon is sort of a scrappy place, and we're not saying that because of all the rough trade that stops by. This East Phoenix gay bar landmark and grand dame of the scene first opened near the equally historic Tovrea Castle in 1971 and has survived a lot of drama throughout its four-decade lifespan. We're talking recessions, the fickleness of LGBT crowds, and even a massive fire that completely wiped out its interior in 2010. Its proprietors reopened the place a year or so later after restoring the antique-heavy and memorabilia-laden décor of its signature kitschy digs to how things looked before, including the seven-foot plaster rooster statue (insert jokes here, if you must). And the crowd that considers the place its home away from home is still largely male, including bears of every size and their admirers, leather daddies visiting during the twice-weekly beer busts, and dudes looking for some, um, companionship and $1.50 shot specials during the long-running "Cruise Night" on Fridays. Hell, if nuclear war were ever to break out, we're sure Nu-Towne would somehow survive and continue to have the night, despite all the fallout.

Best Lesbian Bar

Zoan

At Zoan, the drinks are strong, the social scene is busy, and the thrills come cheap. Rhonda Walden, longtime owner of this lesbian-oriented Melrose Curve mainstay, keeps her die-hards and girl groupies happy with daily drink specials and free entertainment four nights a week, including open mic on Mondays and karaoke on Wednesdays. Even livelier times, however, come on the weekends with drag kings, DJs spinning hip-hop and pop, or the notorious theme parties like the "White Trash Nation" or "Come Get Lei'd" affairs. Nobody sits alone for long during such revelry, and no one pays more than $5 to get in. Thing is, Zoan's varied clientele of glamazons, bois, and fembots always seem to do a pretty good job of entertaining themselves too, thank you very much, be it dancing and grinding in the colorful main room to beats or trading cheeky gossip in the posh smoking lounge, where they've spied Mercury star Brittney Griner around town.

Best Place to Find a One-Night Stand

The Mint

Daft Punk's newest chart-scorcher, "Get Lucky," gets bumped almost hourly at The Mint, and it's a rather fitting anthem for this Old Town ultra-lounge's libertine vibe. Its busy social rites and the packed milieu of its weekend scene offer ample opportunities for those on the prowl, whether they're looking for some face time or something entirely more carnal. After all, hooking up essentially is a numbers game, right? The Mint's 12 signature cocktails, including the Gold Digger Bubbles and Life Savings Martini, make for some powerful social lubricants, and its crowded patio allows for many easy encounters. Or you could try climbing alongside one of the many ladies dancing on the furniture. Either way, should your pickup artist kung fu prove strong, a few darkened nooks and curtain-covered cabanas provide enough seclusion for private conversations or whatever happens next.

Best Dive Bar

Royale Lounge

Benjamin Leatherman

If things look a little, ahem, cleaner than usual inside the Royale, it's because some changes have been taking place over the past year. Proprietor Mark Bolin, who also owns the equally iconic Do Drop Inn and Wanderin, sprung for new vinyl fixtures around the bar, ditched that old hot nuts dispenser (gasp), and had his staff remove the inch of dust covering all the liquor bottles. Feel free to relax, as everything else you love about the landmark 16th Street dive remains unchanged: the stained pressboard walls, ripped and tattered carpet (said to be as old as the bar itself), and the dented vending machines dispensing condoms with such brand names as "Temptation" or "Hugger" in the men's john. And just because Bolin spruced the place up and began serving cans of San Tan Brewery craft beer doesn't mean he's lost touch with his common man or their price bracket. Draft pints are still $2.50 apiece, Jell-O shots can be had for a buck, and microwaved bar snacks won't run you more than a fiver, allowing Royale's regulars to fill up on brews and belly-bomber eats without emptying their wallets.

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