In case you haven't noticed, there are certain types of ladies you'll locate on the dating scene around Phoenix.
The ladies you'll find in an Old Town Scottsdale bar are definitely of a distinct species -- as are the ones you'll find downtown during the artsy-fartsy festivals. So, we have a field guide for you all -- 10 Phoenix ladies you've probably dated:
See also: 10 Phoenix Guys You've Probably Dated
10.) The Californian
Oh, you think California is the best state ever? We missed the first 10,000 times you told us how much you think Arizona sucks, despite the fact you're still here. These ladies come from anywhere between San Diego and the Bay Area, and they manage to live up to every stereotype you expect, like, omigod.
Many of these ladies came here as Arizona State University students who decided on ASU because of "the experience." (She'll leave out the part about not getting accepted into any of the California universities.)
9.) The Bar Rat
Does she have her own place or does she just live inside bars in Old Town Scottsdale? She could probably afford a nice place, but it looks like she spent all her money on the chest upgrade. You have to tell this girl about any potential plans at least six hours in advance, because she has to apply enough makeup to complete her transition into something that resembles cartoon character. And despite the fact that none of her outfits consist of more than a square foot of fabric, it still takes an hour for her to choose which dress she's going to spill Red Bull/vodkas all over. It's not the potential liver damage that scares you the most, though -- it's when that makeup gradually rubs off, and when you wake up in the morning after that first overnight visit, you're trying to figure out who the hell this person is.
8.) The ASU Graduate
This woman just can't let go of life in Tempe. She still drinks vodka from a plastic jug, and "dates" involve blacking out and eating fast food. She's putting that English/Psychology/Sociology degree to use -- by working retail, most likely. There's really no direction in her life, but, hey, she's a college grad, right?
7.) The Lifelong Arizonan
She's a third-generation Arizonan, which is weird, since this place has only been a state for 100 years.
She was born here. She was raised here. Her place looks like a Wild West history museum. It's unclear whether she's ever left the state at all. She's been to Vegas once? That's reassuring. It's kind of implied that any "vacation" you're taking is to Flagstaff or Lake Havasu, or maybe you're making a visit to her relatives in Kingman. Would it be insulting if you showed her an atlas?
6.) The Republican
Got some good abortion jokes? Not anymore -- you're dating a Republican now. You don't really give a damn about her political positions, but she'll let you know how every problem in her life is somehow Obama's fault. She doesn't see the irony in her "personal responsibility" lectures. She's always going to church and posting Bible quotes on her Facebook and Twitter, but she doesn't seem too Christ-like when she goes out on the weekends (that probably wasn't a powdered doughnut she was sniffing in the bathroom).
5.) The "Artist"
When she explained that she's some sort of artist -- a writer, a photographer, a musician, or whatever -- you just figured she was explaining a hobby. After a while (including spending hours upon hours at First Fridays downtown) you realize that this is really what she does. She never really has anything to do, other than smoke cigs with her friends, who all have matching cutoff jeans, flannel shirts, and holes in their ears. The absolute worst thing you could do with the "artist" is to tell her what you really think about her "art," or insist on putting quotation marks around "art."
4.) Trashy
This girl is from the edge of town -- maybe Apache Junction or Queen Creek, where her home may or may not be mobile. There is a 100 percent chance she has at least one tattoo of a star on her body (check behind her ears), and she most likely has a chest tat. Her hair has been dyed pink at some point in her life, and she knows how to ride a dirt bike. Despite all this, and the fact that her 65-year-old father is still in a motorcycle gang, you somehow find this girl attractive. If having to constantly watch "motocross" events isn't enough for you, her meth use will probably put you over the edge.
3.) The Rich Girl
Well, she isn't rich, but her parents are. You can find this woman in Paradise Valley, North Scottsdale, and some parts of North Phoenix. She's highly attractive, and the perks from the wealth are nice -- like when your car "breaks down" and you have to borrow the old man's Maserati. However, you'll find that you have a hard time explaining your job to her. Yes, you have to go to work all day. Yes, every day. She's not gonna like that one, nor will she ever truly grasp the concept of being a blue-collar worker. Although you'll have your chance with this girl, she'll move on to a male product of rich parents, so that pesky work thing doesn't get in the way.
2.) Six Degrees of a Cartel Boss
Her uncle seems pretty wealthy for running a coin-operated car wash. You also find it strange that her cousin works with his buddies at a tire shop (llantera) downtown, but he drives a brand new Range Rover. She lives in a modest house on the west side, but it's full of brand new furniture and a huge plasma TV.
So, how far removed is this hottie from the boss of a drug cartel? You'd kind of like to know so you can guess the likelihood of you "disappearing" after a nasty breakup.
1.) The Hot Mom
What do you get when you combine high rates of teen pregnancy, high rates of divorce, and high rates of plastic surgery? Hot moms.
If the Grand Canyon didn't exist, we'd lobby for the state nickname to be the MILF State. Scottsdale's tourism bureau needs to start running advertising campaigns about its high concentration of single, hot moms. Sure, it's awkward when you find out you're the same age as one of her kids, but that's not your problem.
We believe in second (through 20th) chances here in Phoenix.
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Follow Matthew Hendley on Twitter at @MatthewHendley.
