NFC North

Arizona Cardinals Pick a Quarterback, and It's, Um, Drew Stanton

The Arizona Cardinals have signed quarterback Drew Stanton, and you might be wondering, "Who the hell is Drew Stanton?"Although there are several answers to that question, here's one of them: Just a few years ago, he was the fourth-string quarterback on the absolute worst team in NFL history.See als ... More >>

Celebrity Chef Charity Dinner at Praying Monk in Scottsdale on March 10

Under normal circumstances, we'd have to log quite a few miles in order to enjoy plates created by Aaron May, Christopher Gross, Matt Carter, and Josh Herbert in one night. And that's assuming we'd be able to stuff ourselves with that much food. It won't be a problem, however, on March 10 when the ... More >>

Best Word to Describe the 2012 Arizona Cardinals Season?

Believe it or not, the Arizona Cardinals' fourth quarterback choice of the year didn't lead the team to a miraculous victory in the season finale on Sunday, and the firing of the bozos making the decisions started on Monday.Brian Hoyer was the quarterback selected to seal the deal on a 5-11 Cardinal ... More >>

For the Birds

Arizona Cardinals End Nine-Game Suck-Fest, Defeat the Detroit Lions 38-10

Here's your Christmas miracle, folks: the Arizona Cardinals won an actual football game, and they actually scored touchdowns in the process.After losing nine games in a row, rookie quarterback Ryan Lindley and the Arizona Cardinals defeated the Lions of Detroit, by a score of 38-10.See also:-Arizona ... More >>

Bird Turds

Arizona Theatre Company's Lombardi Leaves Little to Cheer About

Sports Authority

Club Candids: Sundays 4-2-10 at El Hefe

Football fans can be a rather crazy lot. Setting aside the fact they spend around four months out of every year obsessing over a single team and practically living and dying on their every move, pigskin addicts are more than willing to watch games in the freezing cold, while wearing wild outfits, or ... More >>

Arizona Cardinals: Decent at Best; Green Bay Packers Win 31-17

The Arizona Cardinals' trend of playing mediocre-but-losing football continued for a fifth straight game, as the Cards lost to the Green Bay Packers 31-17 at Lambeau Field yesterday.Even with the offensive line not playing at Pop Warner-level for once, the offensive unit was still meh, and as you ca ... More >>

NFL Punter Is Prying Open America's Last Closet: Pro Sports

Arizona Cardinals Lose Another One -- Minnesota Vikings Win, 21-14

The Arizona Cardinals are now the losers of three straight games, after the Kevin Kolb-less Cards lost by a touchdown to the Minnesota Vikings yesterday.John Skelton -- taking over as the Cardinals' quarterback again due to Kolb's injury -- got in the good graces of Cardinals fans last year thanks t ... More >>

NFL Hype Songs: Four Tracks Inspired by Football's Final Four

nfl.com​This Sunday's NFL conference championships will determine which two teams will be headed to Super Bowl XVLI in Indianapolis on Sunday, February 5. Until then, the league's final four teams will be duking it out for a shot at football immortality when the San Francisco 49ers and New Y ... More >>

Phil Smithers' Green Bay Packers Man Cave

It isn't hard finding someone who's a fan of the Green Bay Packers these days, especially since the NFL powerhouse is in the midst of one of its best seasons in history (and is currently riding a 14-1 record into the upcoming playoffs).The real trick, however, is finding the true Packers fanatics wh ... More >>

Madonna Confirmed to Perform at Super Bowl XVLI Halftime Show

​As the football weekend wrapped up Monday night, fans had plenty to cheer about. Cheeseheads everywhere breathed a sigh of relief as the Green Bay Packers survived the New York Giants 38-35 to preserve their undefeated season, while the Cardinals shocked the Dallas Cowboys in overtime. Alth ... More >>

Arizona Cardinals Give Up 28 Points in First Quarter in Loss to Vikings

​The Arizona Cardinals got crushed 34-10 by the winless (until yesterday) Minnesota Vikings yesterday, which tends to happen when a team gives up 28 points in the first 13 minutes of the game.The first quarter for the Cards couldn't have gone any worse.After having to punt on the first two unimpre ... More >>

Arizona Cardinals Fall to Eli Manning and the New York Football Giants

​With the Arizona Cardinals ahead by four points with about four minutes remaining in their 31-27 loss to the New York Giants yesterday, we said to a friend "and now Eli Manning's gonna march the G-men down the field and win this game.Then Eli Manning marched his team down the field and won the ga ... More >>

Arizona Submits Bid for 2015 Super Bowl. Again, Bring on the Underage Hookers!

www.funnybabytshirts.com​National Football League officials will receive Arizona's official bid to host the 2015 Super Bowl today, which -- as we noted in April -- means one thing: thousands and thousands of underage hookers will invade the state to cash in on the testosterone of Super Bowl weeke ... More >>

Tanzy at Scottsdale Quarter Introduces New Lunch Menu & Artisan Chef Happy Hour

Tanzy takes the bitterness out of Brussels sprouts.​Tanzy, the modern Mediterranean restaurant that opened adjacent to the plush iPic Theaters at Scottsdale Quarter in January, began its run with a single menu covering both lunch and dinner hours. This week, Executive Chef Geoff Baumberger ... More >>

Super Bowl XLV in Cave Creek, Arizona: the Good, the Bad, and the Trashy

​This year's Super Bowl was a special one for a lot of cities -- Dallas, Pittsburgh, and Green Bay among them. But few had a scene comparable to Cave Creek, Arizona.The hamlet north of Phoenix is most famous for drawing outlaws like the rapper DMX and Hell's Angel's founder Sonny Barger but it's a ... More >>

Super Bowl Preview: the Steelers, the Pack, and Why the Vince Lombardi Trophy is Going Back to Green Bay

www.Packers.com​To date, only one sixth-seeded playoff team has won the Super Bowl: the 2005 Pittsburgh Steelers. This year's Green Bay Packers reminds New Times of that year's Steelers insofar as neither of those teams is an authentic sixth-seed. Rather, both teams are SINOs, Sixth-Seeds In Name ... More >>

Game On: Pittsburgh and Wisconsin Treats for Super Bowl Sunday

tastingpoland.com ​Why don't we just make Super Bowl Sunday an official holiday? After all, it's a time to gather with your family and friends, party like a rock star (albeit in front of the boob tube, unless you're a lucky ticket holder), and eat just as decadently as you do at Christm ... More >>

Lil Wayne Releases Green Bay Packers Anthem

Lil Wayne's not shy about rooting for green and yellow in the Super Bowl this year.​Lil Wayne will be rooting for the Green Bay Packers in this year's Super Bowl, according to SPIN.Weezy's all about reppin' the green and yellow, stating in his newly released Wiz Khalifa rip-off "Green and Y ... More >>

Feb. 4 In Blogs: Kyrsten Sinema, Spraygraphic, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bolotnik, and Abortion

​​​In the 24-hour news cycle, it can be difficult to keep up. We have the solution. Check back on Valley Fever every evening for highlights from each of New Times' blogs. Today's entries:

Instant Classic

Aaron Rodgers vs. Ben Roethlisberger. Swoon.

Green Bay Packers: Five Signs You Might be a Fan (and a Hillbilly)

Peter StorchPackers fans make Steelers fans look like GQ models.​The Green Bay Packers are headed to the Super Bowl this Sunday, which means one thing for those of us in civilized society (a.k.a. anywhere but Wisconsin): we're gonna have sit back and listen to the Midwestern drivel coming from the ... More >>

Stupid Things Pittsburgh Steelers Fans Will Say This Week

gunaxin.com A female Steelers fan: Texas hair, Minnesota thighs, Las Vegas values.​If you have the misfortune of standing within earshot of a Pittsburgh Steelers fan during the next seven days, you will hear him say some really, really dumb stuff.Part of that can't be helped -- the Steelers ... More >>

Larry Fitzgerald Going to Pro Bowl, Compliments of Green Bay Packers

Larry Fitzgerald is heading to Hawaii.​Despite a less-than-impressive season (thanks to three even less-impressive quarterbacks), and being a member of one of the worst teams in all of football, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald's heading to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl.Fitzgerald& ... More >>

Phoenix Sees Record High Temperatures as Northeast Gets Buried in Snow. Insert Nelson Muntz "Ha Ha!" Here

www.myspace.comNot in Phoenix it doesn't.​What did you do this weekend? Go to the park? Go hiking? A little golf? Whatever you did, it was probably vastly different from what people on the East Coast had going on.As a lot of the country was snowed in for much of the weekend, to the point that snow ... More >>

Derek Anderson Not Horrendous as Arizona Cardinals Blow Another One

​There is a silver lining to the Arizona Cardinals 27-24 overtime loss to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings -- sure, for the second week in a row they blew a lead in the fourth quarter, but, for the first time all season, the man coach Ken Whisenhunt chose to play quarterback, Derek Anderson, ... More >>

Quarterback Issues Continue to Plague Arizona Cardinals as Team Heads to Minnesota to Face Brett Favre and the Vikings

It's make or break time for Cards QB Derek Anderson.​The Arizona Cardinals will be in Minnesota this weekend to take on Brett Favre and the Vikings, and, as has been the case all season for the Cards, the quarterback situation remains dire.Too bad for the Cards, quarterback is a pretty important p ... More >>

Jan Brewer Waxes Weird in Victory Speech as Terry Goddard Announces Camping Trip

The lack of decor at the Democratic Party headquarters in downtown Phoenix was in stark contrast to the colorful array of posters and ubiquitous American flags in display at their rival Republican digs across the street. ​ It was if the Dems had resolved to take their medicine--a loss of e ... More >>

Derek Anderson to Start at Quarterback for Arizona Cardinals Sunday

Derek Anderson will start Sunday against the Vikings...for now.​Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt is smack-dab in the middle of a game of musical quarterbacks -- and he loses almost every time the music stops.Whisenhunt announced this morning that Derek Anderson will make the start at quarter ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Why, Kurt Warner? Why?

Kurt Warner​If you're an Arizona Cardinals fan, watching quarterback Derek Anderson try to throw a football on Sunday was hard enough. Watching the man he replaced -- and who many fans wish was still leading the team -- do the hustle on national television is just salt in the wound.The Cards' form ... More >>

American Hero/Zero

Brett Favre sucks donkey parts. Or the future Hall of Famer is the most awesome being ever to throw a pigskin.

Arizona Cardinals 2010 Schedule Includes Christmas-Day Home Game Against Dallas Cowboys

​The NFL revealed the Arizona Cardinals 2010 schedule this morning and not only will the Cards host a Monday night game in Glendale this Kurt Warner-less season, Jesus will have a little competition for a fan-base on Christmas Day.The Cards will host a somewhat-rare Christmas Day game against the ... More >>

Jared Allen, Minnesota Vikings Defensive Star, Threatens to Break a Guy's Neck at Scottsdale Bar. Yep, Someone Caught It on Video

www.freeadsonlineuk.com Minnesota Vikings defensive star Jared Allen​ We can think of several people who -- if we ever bumped into at a bar -- we would go out of our way to not fuck with. Minnesota Vikings defensive superstar Jared Allen is on that list. A man at a bar in Scottsdale apparen ... More >>

Arizona Cardinals Sign Kicker Jay Feeley

www.passiontruth.comArizona Cardinals new kicker Jay Feeley​The Arizona Cardinals announced today that the team has signed kicker Jay Feeley, even though negotiations with the Cards current kicker, Neil Rackers, are still sort of going on.Feeley played last season with the New York Jets, where he ... More >>

Wrestlemania vs. Paul McCartney: Why Glendale Needs to be Superplexed Through a Table

On nights when events at both University of Phoenix Stadium and Jobing.com Arena are booked simultaneously, Glendale becomes hell on earth.​This Sunday is one of the biggest nights in Glendale's history. Wrestlemania XXVI -- the "sport's" marquee event -- will be held inside University of Phoenix ... More >>

Revenge of the Birds

Cards look to squash the Pack attack

Prime Numbers

It’s Warner vs. Favre in NFC shootout

Arizona Cardinals Beat Down "Da Bears" in Chicago

www.thescroogereport.com​Kurt Warner's Jekyll and Hyde season has been nothing short of maddening. Last week, after giving up five interceptions and a fumble in the Cards' 34-21 loss to the Carolina Panthers, we were calling for Kurt's head (not to mention Coach Ken's pl ... More >>

Fire Whisenhunt: Arizona Cardinals Need a Solution to Their Offensive Woes. Here It Is.

Expect a lot more of this in '09.​ As Da Cards head to Chi-Town for a Soldier Field showdown with Jay Cutler and Da Bears on Sunday, many in Da PHX are still smarting from the Birds' 34-21 mugging by the Carolina Panthers and the world's worst quarterback, Jake Delhomme, last weekend in Gle ... More >>

On Garfield Comic Strips and William Barrett Travis

Pack to the Future

Cheeseheads visit Glendale, sans Favre. That’s a good thing.

For Pete's Sake

Baseball’s been very, very bad to Charlie Hustle

It's a Girl Thing

Our ladies in red are floundering in unfamiliar territory

Steve Garvey and Paul Hornung

Rations for the Sporting Life