Steven Seagal

Bigger Clown: Joe Arpaio or Ted Nugent?

Ted Nugent's recent column suggesting that undocumented immigrants be treated like "indentured servants," a nice way of saying "slaves," had us wondering if he's the biggest jackass in the United States of America.Of course, one of his chief rivals in this department would be his ol' buddy, Sheriff ... More >>

Steven Seagal Bailing on Joe Arpaio's "Training" Session, Says Something "Important" Came Up

Steven Seagal actually won't be taking part in the latest episode of Sheriff Joe Arpaio's months-long exploitation of the school-shooting tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut.Seagal, putting out a statement through the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office -- which, honestly, doesn't even sound strange at all ... More >>

Joe Arpaio Not Done Exploiting Newtown Tragedy; Steven Seagal to Lead More "Training"

Sheriff Joe Arpaio's still not giving up on his months-long exploitation of the school-shooting tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut.Arpaio's office announced another super-serious training session for the school-patrol posse, led by the MCSO's apparent school-shooting consultant, actor Steven Seagal.See ... More >>

Joe Arpaio's Shameless Self-Promotion After Boston Marathon Explosions (Video)

Above is the video clip we referenced yesterday, in which Sheriff Joe Arpaio successfully used the explosions at the Boston Marathon for some attention on Fox News."They're even after the sheriff here," Arpaio told Fox's Neil Cavuto.See also:-Boston Marathon Explosions: Fox News Goes Straight to Clu ... More >>

Bill Montgomery's Shame: Mom Risks Deportation Because of MCAO Felony

In this video by Puente, Ivon's goodness should be self-evident to all but those with the meanest of spirits Let's be honest, Anglos in Arizona would starve if there were no undocumented persons here to prepare our food. Or harvest it from the fields. See also: -Steven Seagal a No Show at Joe Ar ... More >>

Vladimir Putin and Joe Arpaio Have the Same Strange Obsession With Steven Seagal

Stop us if you've heard this one before -- a man often accused of being a dictator is making sure the press shows up to his meetings with pseudo-celebrity Steven Seagal and claims they've been longtime friends.You can fill in the blank on who we're talking about, because that fits the profile of bot ... More >>

Jackson Browne, Orpheum Theatre, 2/13/13

Jackson Browne @ The Orpheum Theatre|2/13/13Back in 1975 Olivia Newton John lyrically asked the question "Have you ever been mellow?" Such a question would never be posed to Jackson Browne. The singer/songwriter has to be the mellowest rock star on the planet.

Joe Arpaio and Steven Seagal Star as Complete Asses on the Colbert Report

Please reset the "days without an Arizona-related Comedy Central news segment" counter back to zero.Thanks to Sheriff Joe Arpaio taking this weekend to exploit dead children by inviting the media and a pseudo-celebrity to a simulated school shooting, Arpaio and Steven Seagal were featured on yesterd ... More >>

Is Steven Seagal a Certified Doofus?

If you're not a fan of Sheriff Joe Arpaio's school-patrol posse, then get a load of what Arpaio kiss-ass Steven Seagal thinks about you."Anybody who has criticized me or the sheriff for standing up to help the children, in my opinion, is an embarrassment to the human race," Seagal said this weekend ... More >>

Joe Arpaio Makes Moolah Off Botched Sex Crimes Investigations, and More Sex Crimes May Be Outstanding

Protecting the kids? Tell it to those who suffered because the MCSO botched hundreds of sex crime investigations Wanna find out how Sheriff Joe Arpaio's boys in beige botched investigations into hundreds of sex crime cases in Maricopa County? It'll cost ya. Five grand, to be exact. And make the ch ... More >>

MCSO: Dysart High School Student Brought Gun to School, Threatened to Shoot Classmate

The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office says deputies arrested a 16-year-old Dysart High School student who brought a gun to school yesterday.According to MCSO, that kid apparently showed the gun to a 14-year-old classmate that morning at the school-bus stop, and said he was going to kill him.See also: ... More >>

Joe Arpaio's Posse Doing a School-Shooting Simulation, and Steven Seagal's Supervising

Folks, Sheriff Joe Arpaio's school-patrol posse is so serious about school safety that posse members will be setting up a school-shooting simulation this weekend as a test.Have we mentioned yet that actor Steven Seagal will be supervising the festivities?See also:-Joe Arpaio's School-Patrol Posse Ge ... More >>

Joe Arpaio and Steven Seagal Off the Hook for Reality-Show Raid Lawsuit Brought by Man With Allegedly Dead Puppy

Sheriff Joe Arpaio and posse member/action-movie actor Steven Seagal are off the hook in a lawsuit that claimed the Sheriff's Office had raided his house just for getting publicity for Seagal's reality show.According to federal court paperwork, a judge dismissed the lawsuit after plaintiff Jesus Llo ... More >>

Joe Arpaio Lies, Insults His Deputies, Promises School-Posses with "Automatic and Semi-Automatic" Weapons

Arpaio, howlin' at the moon in his appearance on the Thom Hartmann radio show: The fun begins about 16:18 in Hat tip to Phoenix videographer Dennis Gilman for letting me know about Sheriff Joe Arpaio's appearance Thursday on the uber-lefty Thom Hartmann show, where he howled at the moon, boasted ab ... More >>

Joe Arpaio Plans to Make Publicity Stunt Out of Swearing-In Ceremony, Promises "Hollywood Celebrities"

This may be incredibly hard to believe, but Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has planned a publicity stunt.Yes, the man who dresses inmates in pink underwear, has provided those inmates with an Elvis impersonator, has allowed female inmates to throw panties in the jail, holds inmate coloring conte ... More >>

Tax for Schools, Plan for Open Primaries Shot Down; Voters Limit Property Assessments

Arizona voters have rejected soundly the retention of a one-cent sales tax passed in 2010 that would have provided education funding and scholarships. The state already spends less on a per-student basis than most other states, but voters either don't care or didn't think throwing money at the prob ... More >>

A Lament: Action Movies Don't Have to Suck

Sheriff Arpaio's Most Ridiculous Moments of 2012 (Thus Far)

From an authoritative book review on a book he never actually read to backlash from a cockfight with Steven Seagal, it's been a busy first six months of 2012 for Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. With the Fourth of July upon us, it's only right that we honor this self-anointed American hero with a ... More >>

Joe Arpaio's Boys Find a Ton of Weed. Sheriff Cites "Illegal Aliens," Despite Zero Percent of the Zero People Arrested Being Illegal

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio put out a press release to say deputies found a lot of weed last night -- Steven Seagal not included this time.In fact, the press release says deputies have "arrested more than 20 illegal aliens and seized nearly two tons of marijuana" in the last month.Arpaio even ... More >>

Steven Seagal Somehow Helped Joe Arpaio's Boys Find a Bunch of Weed

​Actor Steven Seagal added another cameo to his list of appearances with the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office last night, and Sheriff Joe Arpaio says Seagal somehow helped real deputies find a bunch of weed.Seagal's starring role in MCSO raids seems to be going down the toilet, as he's gone from r ... More >>

Joe Arpaio's Cockfighting Raid Went a Little Better This Time: 40 Arrested, No Steven Seagal

​Two days after the news broke that Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, actor Steven Seagal, and others were named in a lawsuit stemming from a raid last year where Arpaio and his boys brought the dog-and-pony show to arrest a single cockfighting suspect, the sheriff's office tried that one again. ... More >>

Joe Arpaio and Steven Seagal Sued Over Cockfighting Raid/Reality Show Fodder

​The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, action-movie star Steven Seagal, and others have been named in a lawsuit stemming from a raid last year where Arpaio and his boys brought the dog-and-pony show to arrest a single cockfighting suspect.Attorney Robert Campos -- who filed the ... More >>

Is Joe Arpaio's "Birther" Investigation His Worst Publicity Stunt of All-Time?

As you may have heard, it's 2012, and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio actually thinks the President of the United States got into the White House using a forged birth certificate.It's the latest entry in a long line of publicity stunts for Arpaio, and this one just so happened to take place whil ... More >>

MCSO's in a New Reality Show -- Complete With Jailhouse, Race-Gang Justice

​When most people look at Tent City, the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office's infamous outdoor detention facility, they see a jail.Not Sheriff Joe Arpaio -- he, apparently, sees a stage...for a reality TV show.Yet again, Arpaio has opened the MCSO's doors to reality TV film crews -- this time for a ... More >>

Neo-Nazi J.T. Ready Runs for Pinal County Sheriff as a Democrat (w/Update)

He supports legalizing marijuana, considers himself a civil libertarian, has had nice things to say about the Occupy movement, and recently filed paperwork in Pinal County to run for Sheriff as a Democrat.One little speed bump: He also happens to be the best known neo-Nazi in Arizona and has referre ... More >>

Steven Seagal Makes Cameo During Joe Arpaio's Raid of Southwest Phoenix

​The last time Under Siege star Steven Seagal was in town, the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office took some heat when it used a tank to apprehend a suspected cockfighter. The criticism went further when allegations surfaced that Seagal murdered a puppy.The allegations that Seagal killed a puppy have ... More >>

More Humiliating Act of Media Sluttiness: Joe Arpaio's "Elite Posse" Looking Into Obama's "Fake Birth Certificate," or Steven Seagal...in General?

www.cheezburger.com"I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol." - Steven Seagal​Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio's office confirmed to New Times yesterday that he's assigned an "elite posse" to look into President Barack Obama's "fake birth ce ... More >>

Joe Arpaio Opponent Mike Stauffer Looking For Campaign Volunteers

Scottsdale Lieutenant Mike Stauffer needs your help.​If you're interested in doing your part to put an end to Sheriff Joe Arpaio's tyrannical reign over Maricopa County, here is your chance.Arpaio's opponent in next year's GOP primary for sheriff, Scottsdale Lieutenant Mike Stauffer, is holding a ... More >>

Joe Arpaio Opponent Mike Stauffer and the (Possible) End of the Reality-Show Sheriff's Office

Mike Stauffer on what's wrong with Joe Arpaio: "where do I start?"​We had a chance this morning to grab a cup of coffee with Scottsdale Lieutenant Mike Stauffer, who is currently campaigning to unseat Joe Arpaio as the Republican nominee in next year's race for Maricopa County Sheriff.In short, wh ... More >>

Joe Arpaio and Ted Nugent Share "Friendly Dinner." Of Course, Fox News Was Invited, Too. Hilarity/Lunacy Ensues

Joe Arpaio had dinner with this guy last night. As always, the media was invited.​If you're a washed up, ex-celebrity, and you spend even a second with Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, expect the media to be there, too. Just ask Steven Seagal.The latest has-been to get some air time compliments ... More >>

Steven Seagal Resigned Rather Than Face IA Investigation, According to Sheriff Newell Normand

Samantha MurphySeagal avoided an IA investigation, according to JPSOAccording to beefy action film star Steven Seagal's former "boss," Jefferson Parish Sheriff Newell Normand, Seagal is not "on loan" from Jefferson Parish, as Seagal asserted recently after a massive MCSO raid on a home in Laveen, wh ... More >>

Joe Arpaio Stages Jail Shakedown for Steven Seagal (w/Response from MCSO's Brian Lee)

Arpaio: Whoring out the MCSO to Steven SeagalSo it's Friday --traditionally a slow news day -- which means time for another Sheriff Joe Arpaio media stunt, this one to help his buddy Steven Seagal's A&E reality series Steven Seagal: Lawman.Although the media has been told to "embargo" this one f ... More >>

March 11 In Blogs: Mark Spencer, Shepard Fairey, Spider Man, Hana Japanese Eatery, and Hugh Hallman

​​​In the 24-hour news cycle, it can be difficult to keep up. We have the solution. Check back on Valley Fever every evening for highlights from each of New Times' blogs. Today's entries:

Steven Seagal Not Front and Center During Joe Arpaio's Jail Shakedown. Sheriff Was Lovin' Seagal's A&E Camera Crew, Though

James KingMaricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio displays the large amount of contraband he claims was discovered by detention officers over the last three days. He says the goodies are often thrown to inmates over a fence, or smuggled in by work release inmates.​Straight from Maricopa County Sheriff ... More >>

Machete's Steven Seagal Is Joe Arpaio's Deputy Dawg

Here's a tough one: Which is the fake lawman?Recently, someone e-mailed me asking if the aged, stone-faced action hero Steven Seagal, who stars in Robert Rodriguez's Mexican-immigration revenge flick Machete as a badass drug lord, was one of Sheriff Joe Arpaio's "special deputies." You know, like Lo ... More >>

Machete: When It's Not LOL Funny, Robert Rodriguez's Latest Is Downright Dull

American Pie’s Thomas Ian Nicholas joins the rock club

That Sinking Feeling

Coast Guard epic succumbs to watery clichés

Liège Largess

Belgian endeavor

Still the One

Pay no attention to that action comic behind the movie

Washboard Confessional

Holy saccharine. Absolve this man of his sinful affection for pop-punk.

Rockin' the Cradle

DMX and Jet Li get down 2 Grave business

Straining Day

Narc desperately struggles to prove its grit

Culture Shock

How will Hollywood react now that real life is more terrifying than fiction?

Sink Piece

Ensemble cast keeps water-logged Lakeboat afloat, at least for David Mamet fans

Ace Venture

Prowling strip clubs and dishing dirt with the members of Johnny Ace

I Stroke, Therefore I Am

Billy Squier gets philosophical and Trashman gets sick

Mouth Central

Under Siege

Experiment in Terrorism