In celebration of Earth Day -- the American invention intended to inspire awareness and gratefulness for our natural environment -- many will be "eating green." You know, chowing down on seasonal, locally grown, organic fare and making a difference in this wretched world.
But for those who think Earth Day is political ideology wrapped up in pessimism with a penchant for making the human race feel like shit (also, crack-slapping Arbor Day out of existence. Seriously, what the hell happened to Arbor Day?), we're offering up some anti-Earth Day grub where the only thing that's natural about it, is..., well..., nothing.
5.) Chicken Nuggets (above): Pink goo-like substance goes in, chicken flavor comes out -- what, that's not natural?
4.) Big Gulp: If you gotta gulp, go big, stupid big, with lots of high-fructrose corn syrup. Also, make sure you throw your cup out the car window afterward.
3.) Hot Pockets: As comedian Jim Gaffigan says, "We have a sea bass which is broiled, and a hot pocket which is cooked in a microwave with a side of Pepto."
2.) Squeeze Cheese: Bright orange cheese-like substance we can spray into our mouths AND on crackers? Let's see Mother Earth try that one.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
1.) Twinkies: Point one of these tube-like, golden sponge cakes with creamy filling upward, and you've got the middle finger to natural foods everywhere.