Cadbury v. Russell Stover: Creme Egg Knock Down

Sizing up the competition. Creme egg v. creme egg in a no holds knock down.
Sizing up the competition. Creme egg v. creme egg in a no holds knock down.
Erica O'Neil

When Easter candy season rolls around, you fall into one of two camps: You either love Cadbury crème eggs, or you think they're a novelty good for little more than frying up aside toast and tea for a laugh. Personally, we count down the days until these crème-filled chocolate eggs hit the market.

We have a bit of an OCD ritual for consuming one of these things. We bite off the top and lap at the fondant center like a deranged cat, nibbling down the sides of the egg in a circular motion until nothing remains but a little chocolate nubbin. In theory, it may sound pretty hot. After all, we did just make a pussy reference.

But we assure you the whole process is pretty disgusting to witness. It's Liz Lemon sexy, not Tina Fey sexy.

So this year when we saw not one, but eight different types of crème egg on the market, we pulled a greedy dog move and snatched one of each to goggle up. That's when we learned that not all crème eggs are created equal, and that consuming eight crème eggs is enough to make your teeth hurt just thinking back on it.

To save you the same crushing disappointment, we present the penultimate crème egg rankings:

Don't keep all your creme eggs in one basket! (Because some of them are rotten.)
Don't keep all your creme eggs in one basket! (Because some of them are rotten.)
Erica O'Neil

8. Absolutely Divine Crème Egg--ROTTEN

It should come as no surprise that the CVS knock-off is ranked dead last, especially seeing it in profile, with about 75 percent cheap-tasting chocolate and a measly liquid center that oozed like an open wound. We briefly considered doing a blind taste test to see if we could tell the difference between this and the real deal, but after cutting into this thing we're glad we skipped that option. Sometimes imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery. It's just insulting and offensive. 

7. Russell Stover's Peanut Butter Crème Egg--ROTTEN

Peanut butter and chocolate are a power couple in the world of Easter candy, especially the gigantic egg-shaped Reese's PB cup that rolls out each year (see our Best Of Easter Candy List). Eat that instead of this. Eat anything instead of this. Unless you like your peanut flavored centers runny, corn syrupy, and as artificial as that plastic Easter grass. If you've ever wondered what peanut butter-flavored jelly tastes like, here's a repulsive opportunity to make those repulsive dreams come true. 

6. Russell Stover's Milk Chocolate Crème Egg--ROTTEN
This questionable blob of loose, chocolate-flavored glop actually made us gag upon tasting, and we were very glad to have a chaser on hand to wash away its memory.

If that damn bunny put this in our Easter basket as a kid, we would firmly petition that Payton Curry offer his all rabbit menu every Easter season. (Don't go full vegan yet, Payton!) Take that, you masochistic Easter bunny.

5. Cadbury's Orange Crème Egg--ROTTEN

We know exactly how this concept came about, because on paper it sounds like a great combination. But like the choco PB egg that came before, this creme egg has gone rotten.

We can see the rationale behind it; if Santa can bring the kiddos orange flavored chocolate wedges, then why can't a wascally wabbit get away with it? Because it tastes like orange furniture polish dipped in chocolate. That's why.

4. Russell Stover's Dark Chocolate Crème Egg--FRESHER

What sets this dark chocolate crème egg apart from its perpetratin' milk chocolate cousin is the addition of actual cocoa flavor. It was also thicker with a rich chocolaty sheen that seemed marginally less fake. Marginally.

While it didn't taste like jellied corn syrup product, it was also still a far cry from a luscious ganache or a truffle-like filling. Why Russell Stover didn't just sub their regular old truffle filing is a mystery, because this still isn't not good enough to waste calories on.

3. Cadbury's Caramel Crème Egg--FRESHER

It may be that we have a soft spot for caramel, or that everything before this egg tasted like Easter Bunny ass, but this golden caramel egg was so much better than any of their weird fillings that preceded it.

A thick, rich caramel with just a hint of saltiness rounded out this Easter gem, restoring our faith in the possibility of a good crème egg. Although we would have preferred if the flavor was a bit less Mars bar and a bit more Caramello. If the filling had been just a little less tacky and a bit smoother, this egg could have been a contender.

2. Cadbury's Original Crème Egg--EGGCELLENT!

An upset! The OG crème egg coming in first loser to a dark horse contender! The original crème egg swept most of the competition, leaving crappy knock offs and a slew of bad eggs in its wake.

In the end, the fondant center was just a little too heavy compared to the lighter, fluffier marshmallow caramel egg. The chocolate on all of the Cadbury eggs was also a bit on the thick side compared to Russell Stover's eggs--which isn't say too much since by and large Stovers' offerings tasted like bunny farts--further weighing down the already dense egg.

1. Russel Stover's Marshmallow Caramel Egg-- EGGCELLENT! 

This airy egg was blissfully delicious. The light and fluffy center of this egg was like eating a Peep shoved inside a Cadbury egg, further perpetuating the "Which came first..." dilemma. And not just any old Peep.

A caramel-filled Peep.

Be still our beating hearts, it's an Easter candy miracle!

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