"Hello, thanks for calling Domino's." "Oh hey, can I get your spinach and feta pizza?" "Sure." "Without onions." "Sure, uh, wait, what was that?" "I said no onions." "Sorry, no." "Excuse me?" "No." "No? I DON'T WANT ONIONS! I HATE ONIONS! WHY CAN'T I TAKE ONIONS OFF MY PIZZA? WHAT'S YOUR FLIPPIN' PROBLEM?" "What's my problem?"
Show's over, finicky pizza lovers. As of today, Domino's, the international pizza delivery corporation, will launch an ad campaign that will tell customers, "No!" if they want to add or remove toppings from its artisan pizza line. The reason? A voiceover in the ad says that the company spent years "perfecting the balance on our artisan crust toppings."
Well that's certainly brave of them! Imagine, a giant corporation that makes a popular food item only available EVERYWHERE IN THE FREE WORLD risking losing millions of dollars in sales because it worked really hard making its cardboard box pizza taste less like a cardboard box -- neato! Or maybe it's that pesky customer service thing -- you know, the one where you don't pay someone very much and the job is shit but you think they should act like it's some sort of awesome career ride to the top anyway and then you "empower" them by handing down a new rule which is just another thing they have to remember but you don't care 'cause it cuts down on the amount of special orders and "streamlines" your business and BOOM! you just got a raise, mo-fo.
All speculations aside, while Domino's would like you to think they're taking a hard stance on quality, it seems they will make an exception for allergies (And surely no one will bullshit on that one.). Plus, customers can still get the pizza they want by just customizing their own pies. Example: I want the spinach and feta but without the onions and as a customized pie.
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Well played, finicky pizza lovers and Domino's, and finicky pizza lovers at Domino's. Well played.