We can all thank KFC's Double Down Sandwich for raising the grossness bar when it comes to eating. Since April, nothing has touched it. They have expanded the playing field of repulsive, have gone the extra mile to create colon explosions of untold severity, and have raised their middle finger high and proud to the free world.
So what gives, IHOP? We had high hopes for your "Pancake Stackers" -- the new breakfast and dessert (bressert) introduced 17 mere days after Double Down and consisting of a layer of cheesecake between two pancakes and available in strawberry, blueberry, or cinnamon apple, all topped with whipped cream. This was your moment. Your time to rise above the Double Down. To erase it from our minds and get us to say, "If you thought the Double Down was bad, you should try IHOP's Pancake Stackers".
What happened? Well for starters, you're not disgusting enough. Plus, there's the bressert thing. Here's a couple of suggestions for your re-launch...
1.) Market Bressert Yes, you can have this. Consider it a gift. If you're going to beat the Double Down, you need this angle. If Taco Bell can have "the fourth meal" you can have bressert. Why bressert? Because people need an excuse to justify eating cheesecake after eggs and bacon. Because picky children will finally eat what's in front of them. Because you can have a Bressert Bar. Bressert will define you. You can own it, you can add to it, and you can make coffee mugs and tee-shirts touting its hilarity and importance in our world.
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2.) Pancake Stackers Re-Launch Let's face it, as it stands today, these are hardly worth talking about. Essentially, they're your pancakes with the bare minimum of cheesecake squirted between them with a caulk gun. Let's brainstorm: How 'bout some chocolate, caramel, or butterscotch sauce? Why not a scoop of delicious ice cream to go along for the ride? Your choice of two or four pancakes? Please. Start stacking those babies at eight, with a layer of cheesecake at each step. And why cheesecake? Why not tiramisu or Peeps? Learn and discuss.
Now get going IHOP, and kick KFC's Double Down off of its puke-covered pedestal. You're welcome.