Bite Me was having her hair, er, styled the other day and found herself deeply engrossed in a conversation with her mane magician Katrina about passion fruit and mango. Not the kind they pretend to throw into shampoo so you think you're scrubbing your strands with au naturel ingredients. No, the kind of fruit they soak in a delightful bucket of rum and vodka. Now that's fruit Bite Me would happily devour. She simply had to find out where she could find such magic.
Katrina turned Bite Me on to a joint where she could score the fruity concoction and food as well -- not just any food, but food of the raw fish variety. Jackpot!
The sushi at Sapporo in Scottsdale turned out to be amazing. Their eel is simply spectacular. And their Wa Wa Roll? As Chachi used to say about Joannie . . . wa wa wa! A delectable combination of snow crab, asparagus and crab.
14344 North Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale, 480-607-1114. Daily 4-6 p.m. Appetizers: $2-$6; main courses: $15-$60/market. Major cards.
The interior of Sapporo is glorious. Multileveled and stuffed to the gills with chefs at sizzling grills, the place just dazzles you when you walk inside. You almost expect flashbulbs to go off. Everywhere you look you see a cluster of hot blonde chicks sashaying up to the sushi bar or sucking down stiff cocktails on the outdoor patio. It's got it all. It's a pickup joint and a stellar sushi joint, and then there are them fruit drinks that brought Bite Me there in the first place. Bite Me was salivating in anticipation of tasting the Passion Mango Martini. With good cause. It took one to get her good and toasted. One. Fortified aplenty, Bite Me relaxed and waited for good-lookin' people to bother. She felt sure she'd get some typical Scottsdale betties out lookin' for action. After her previous week's adventure chasing down strip club customers, she thought she'd seen all there was of the underbelly of this here strait-laced town. On the contrary. Seems the Phoenician asses ain't quite as tight as Bite Me'd thought. Heh, cool.
Linda Nguyen and Ben Graff
Bite Me: So what do you do?
Linda: I'm a waitress.
Bite Me: Here?
Linda: No, at the Cheesecake Factory.
Bite Me: I've never eaten there. Is it good? What do they have besides cheesecake?
Linda: They have everything, steaks, burgers, salads, sandwiches, pastas, seafood . . . oh, and cheesecake.
Bite Me: What did you eat here tonight?
Linda: We had the teppanyaki.
Bite Me: Was it yaki or not so yaki? (Bite Me is well aware that she be comin' 'cross as some manner-o-dipshit. She don't be carin'.)
Linda: It was great.
Ben: We had the Pacific Rim chicken; they cook everything right at the table.
Bite Me: Sounds cozy. Where do you work, mister man?
Ben: The Melting Pot.
Bite Me: Wild! Do you get a lot of couples there? I saw a menu from there. It made me salivate. (Bite Me wonders what kind of first date that would be, sharing meat on a skewer dipped in sauces. What is it like to see a person you just met double-dip? You share spit before you, well, share spit. That's some serious intimacy.)
Bite Me: How long have you two been together?
Linda: Four years. (Bite Me is shocked by this revelation. She'd have sworn these two were on a first date. It provided her with some hope that long-term relationships can actually retain spark.)
Bite Me: How'd you two meet?
Ben: We met at ASU. We were in the same dorm.
Bite Me: So what do you want to be when you grow up?
Linda: He's going to law school next fall. We don't know where.
Bite Me: Well, Ben, are you bringing your girl to law school?
Ben: Yeah. We don't know where we're going. But we're together for sure. We don't know where we'll end up, but . . .
Linda: We decided, wherever he goes, we go.
Bite Me: Oh, you're so cute.
Content sales manager, Hustler
Bite Me: Hertz? Like rent-a-car? Are you related?
Laurel: I wish. I work for Hustler.
Bite Me: My hero. Larry Flynt. Do you know him? (Bite Me isn't lying about lovin' Larry. She saw the guy regularly at her favorite diner in Hollywood. He actually resembles a bullfrog but there's still something so bad-ass lookin' about the guy. He sells mass porn unapologetically and still claims to love the Lord. Ya gotta love that.)
Laurel: No. I work on the Internet site. We sell Hustler's video feeds to other adult Webmasters.
Laurel: Everybody loves Larry.
Bite Me: Are the hours good?
Laurel: Well, I deal with a lot of international sales, European Webmasters, so I'm up early. And then usually I have to hang out with a lot of people in the industry after hours, so it's a lot of hours.
Bite Me: I hear you have to show up on time and with nylons. It's a hard-core professional work environment. (Bite Me had a friend who worked for Flynt Industries and the poor gal was sent home once for not wearing stockings. Uh, irony.)
Laurel: Definitely, very professional.
Bite Me: So what'd you eat tonight?
Laurel: Caterpillar roll, spicy tuna roll, albacore.
Bite Me: Groovy! So what are you all doing here tonight?
Laurel: A bunch of us are in town for an adult Internet convention. It's the first night, so we're really mellow.
Bite Me: What do you think of Phoenix?
Laurel: Ya know, I haven't really scoped it out too much, but I have some friends who live in Phoenix.
Bite Me: You'll like it here. It's turned out to be much cooler than I thought it'd be. Who are all these people with you?
Laurel: I'd say 70 percent of us are from Southern California, from Orange County to San Diego to L.A.
Bite Me: There's a pretty big market for adult, er, entertainment here. I was kind of surprised. These Phoenicians are wild. So what's the difference between Hustler and Playboy?
Laurel: I think Hustler is a little bit more candid.
Bite Me: I think so.
Laurel: Hustler shows a little bit more pink. It shows more pictures of the girl next door. Playboy is more of the glamour, a little bit more airbrushed. (Hustler shows more pink. Laurel said this so matter-o-factly. But hey, Hustler does show more pink. And she noted that Laurel was pretty generous with her assessment of ol' Hef. Cool people, these porn peddlers.)
Bite Me: Totally! I was at the Wax Museum in Hollywood when Hugh Hefner was there for the unveiling of his wax statue. I was standing a few feet from him and there was no difference between him and that statue. He's not just airbrushed, he's wax. Just like the chicks in his magazine. I swear, the seven blondes standing next to him looked like wax, silicone wax. Not real in the slightest. It was some eerie shit. God bless Larry! I love what he's done for free speech. Freak bastard!
Bite Me: What do you do?
Oystin: I own a couple of companies.
Bite Me: You in porn?
Oystin: Yeah, a little porn.
Bite Me: Hmmm. A little porn. That's nice. So, what are you doing here?
Oystin: I'm here for a porn convention.
Bite Me: So are you really busy with your, uh, companies?
Oystin: I wish.
Bite Me: You've got great hair. Do you cut it yourself?
Oystin: My wife cuts it.
Bite Me: Is she a hair stylist or does she just do it for you?
Oystin: She just does it every morning, styles it, and puts some balm on it to set it.
Bite Me: Gotta keep it real, but it's hard to believe she wants to keep you lookin' good when you're going to a porn convention out of town. You've got an open-minded wife, buster. But maybe she just don't want you lookin' schleppy.
Oystin: That'll work.
Bite Me: Huh. Forget it. What does your wife do?
Oystin: She works for an airline.
Bite Me: Which one?
Bite Me: Are you scared to let her fly?
Oystin: She works ground crew, so no.
Bite Me: What exactly do you do?
Oystin: I own one technology company that works for the mainstream industry. We mostly make the mainstream and the adult industry talk to each other because they all have the same idea. They wanna make money, right?
Bite Me: Who doesn't?
Oystin: So we make them talk to each other, act as an intermediary. The mainstream people feel comfortable talking to the adult industry through us because we know the technology. So we make it all work.
Bite Me: I think you're good with people. Are you?
Oystin: Sure. (Bite Me wonders if he's good with people or he's just, ya know, pretty. She's not sure.)
Bite Me: And you're pretty. Are you German?
Denise: Sports events, mountain bike racing.
Bite Me: Do you like it?
Denise: Action photography.
Bite Me: How do you do it? How do you get those shots?
Denise: I find a spot and shoot as they come towards me.
Bite Me: So what's your story?
Denise: I came here to go to school and I spent the last year traveling. I went to the Kern River in California, the American River, and I was in Costa Rica for four months. I went everywhere.
Bite Me: It's so cheap there, in Costa Rica. I went there for a few weeks, my only trip out of the country. Did you love it?
Denise: Yes. It was a good experience. I shot white-water rafting, kayaking competitions and mountain biking. Then I came back here and started a company, Adrenaline Photos.
Bite Me: Good name.
Denise: We do on-site sales. We sell our photos online the day after. People can see their photos and buy them online. (Doesn't that sound a damn lot better than those pushy folks at the amusement parks who urge you to buy pictures of yourself lookin' all deranged as you plunge down a roller coaster?)
Bite Me: Is that what you'd most like to be doing?
Denise: That's what I like to do, what I do now.
Bite Me: Just bigger. So are you busy?
Denise: I've only been doing it a month, but I have my next month and a half planned. It's just me and my boyfriend. He does the computer programming, database . . . all that stuff.
Bite Me: Super duper. So what'd you eat tonight?
Denise: We all had a little bit of everything. They have great sushi. It's the best in Phoenix.
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Bite Me: I like your boots.
Denise: Thanks. They were a gift.
Bite Me: Why doesn't anyone ever buy me shoes as a gift? People buy me Tinkerbell figurines and flasks and near-dead goldfish. I never get shoes. Shout-out to my friends and family. I'm a size 7 and a half and I'm partial to shoes that make my shrimp self tall.