Six More Food(ie) Terms that Drive Laurie Notaro Nuts
"Fork you," Marianne LoMonaco
It turns out people get pissed when you call them out for acting elitist for something they have to do or they die. We all have to eat; but when you start acting kinda Big Ike about it, you ruin it for everybody. Thus, here are six more terms plus a bonus round that I'd like to permanently strike from the record, post-haste. That's big shot for "starting now." See how that just sucked the fun out of that whole sentence? I bet you thought a foodie wrote that.
6. Sous-Vide Yeah. My mom used to use this cooking technique when she got her first job in the early Eighties, called herself "a modern woman" and tossed almost every meal into a pot of hot water. We ate fowl, beef and even some vegetables this way, but then it had a different name. The translation of sous-vide to English is "Banquet Cooking Bags" and if you ate dinner between 1975-1986, you are probably going to get cancer from it. Happy chemo!
5. Gastrique Or in other words (such as the words that you use when you're not completely determined to impress somebody on the same level of jerkery as yourself), "sauce." Yes. SAUCE. Simply sauce. If you really want to ruffle the feathers of the comment section below, call it "gravy." Hee hee. Gravy. Gravy gravy gravy. Although honestly, if you have ever been to the ocean on a super polluted day and see the bubbly, sometimes-green, sometimes-brown, always stinky residue that the waves have left on the beach that looks like melted Styrofoam, I'd call that gastrique, too. Like what happens when the ocean farts.
4. Naomi Pomeroy I honestly can't call who would win if Rachel Ray and Naomi Pomeroy were pitted against each other in an Annoy-Off. Can we just make Naomi Pomeroy illegal as a whole? The winner of Big Fat Top Chef or Who's Afraid of Top Chef or whatever that show was called and proprietor of Beast in Portland, Oregon, simply cannot take a photograph without a dead pig slung over her shoulder and if you don't believe me, Google it. That just says something about a person, doesn't it, when glaring at the camera with your dead eyes and unsatisfied, consistent frowny puss isn't enough to get your message across, but a dead farm animal should do the trick. Her finest moment, naturally, was when she was horrifyingly mean to her father, whose identity was concealed, on Top Chef as he tried to help her prepare a meal during a challenge. If you could be that awful to anyone who was trying to help you, you deserve to have that pig be the first thing you see every morning when you wake up. Plus she charges $125 for a vegetarian dinner, and I don't think that includes a picture with the pig, either (because I do believe she always has a carcass on hand for photo ops. I do).
3. Delish If it's not something you would name your dog or be embarrassed to yell it out in front of strangers, we need to banish it from the HUMAN LANGUAGE. And there you have "delish." Bile inducing, fist-forming "delish." The first time I heard it, I was in high school and my friend who was in band tried to sell me a candy bar and that was her sales pitch: "It's delish." I shivered, then declined but bought it from a flute player in Social Studies who simply shrugged and said, "It's caramel and chocolate. I think." Because "delish" is one of those branding words that identifies you instantly as someone who is so uncool that they actually tried to sell band candy instead of eating it all in their room and then stealing the money to cover it from a modern woman's wallet while she was sous-viding a pressed and sliced turkey in the same pot with broccoli drenched in a cheese gastrique.
2. Savory Holy shit. It just means salty. It just means salty and not sweet. It's just something you'd eat for lunch and not breakfast. That's all. Same difference between French toast and a grilled cheese sandwich. Savory = lunch. Mystery solved. Kick the next person who says it. 1. Gelee What happens when the ocean eats dairy and its intestines shed their coating. Go ahead and eat it. See what happens. Besides, it's boiled and rendered horse's hooves. Delish.
And Our Bonus Round Term:
Foodie If you have ever used the word as a self-identifier in a sentence, have a T-shirt with it printed on it, or wrote it down without a smirk on your face or squirming in your chair, I'm sure you outsold everyone else in band during candy season. And guess what? We all eat food. We all like it. We all enjoy "the experience," but we just have more interesting things to brag about. It's like breathing: it's everybody's game, but you don't see "Breathies" writing blogs about the exclusive oxygen someone flew in from France or that they inhaled some air that lichen can live in. Get a hobby that takes some talent besides chewing and swallowing. Really. You'll like yourself better and so will everyone else, because right now, we hate you. It's true.
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