A good cookbook can save your skin at a dinner party or family gathering, especially if you're the type who can't boil an egg or make packaged mac n' cheese without setting off the smoke alarm. Unfortunately, the need for culinary instruction has given would-be chefs free license to put out crappy cookbooks. The worst range from useless (microwave cookbooks) to nasty (books detailing fat-Elvis' famous 10,000+ calorie meals) to just plain tasteless, like these five gems we found:
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-based Recipes from Cookingwithcum.com
Fotie Photenhauer had a lot of chutzpah -- or should we say spunk -- to create this recipe book. I've heard of guys drinking pineapple juice to make their cum taste sweeter, or telling gullible girls it's the perfect diet food (low in calories and high in protein!), but this tactic really takes the cake. Semen-infused cake, that is.
According to the book's intro, "Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic." Like fine wine and cheeses? Last time I checked, Whole Foods wasn't carrying jizz alongside Roquefort and camembert. The question on my mind is -- when you finally get around to sampling semen crepes or semen flan, will you spit or swallow?
The Original Road Kill Cookbook by Buck Peterson
The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls by Ljubomir R. Erovic
With the economy in the crapper and the price of good meat on the rise, you might be looking for ways to cut costs on family dinners. Enter The Testicle Cookbook, Ljubomir R. Erovic's instruction manual on how to prepare the one part of an animal no one else wants. The Serbian chef offers recipes for omelets, pizza and barbecue, all made using some poor creature's danglies!
Guys, if you thought the famous ball-nailing scene in The Serpent and the Rainbow was cringe-worthy, just wait until you have to peel and boil your balls following Erovic's oh-so-helpful (and disgusting) pictorial guide. You can score a copy via Yudu.com. In the meantime, here's a comedic version of cooking with balls to calm your nuts:
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The Cannibal Cookbook by Nicolas Castelaux
It's time for the castrated bulls and wun-over wabbits to get their wevenge. In the ultimate in tasteless cookbooks, this one teaches cannibals-in-training to prepare tasty human meat. Gives new meaning to steak and kidney pie, eh? It's billed as a novelty, but considering the author admits to (formerly...*cough*) having consumed human flesh, it's likely at least a few of the Lulu readers picking up this grisly manual have considered frying up Uncle Joe's liver after the wake. Tip: Be ready with the fava beans, a nice Chianti and a straitjacket.
Honorable Mentions: The Zombie Cookbook, White Trash Cooking, The Gross-Out, Get Sick And Turn Blue Cookbook and Ted Nugent's Kill It and Grill It.