Napoleon Dynamite: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Kip's right. How can anyone know what's the worst (or the best) of anything? TLC's hoping we'll trust their judgment with its new show, Best Food Ever, narrated by Treme star John Goodman. The six-episode series will focus on such categories as "Sensational Sandwiches," "Darn Good Diners," and "Buzzworthy BBQ," with each episode counting down from a list of 10, highlighting ingredients and hearing from the folks behind the food.
In the first episode, "Sensational Sandwiches," John Goodman tells tales of $100 Philly cheese steaks, chicken sandwiches in a cone, and a foot-high meat sandwich. The best? The weirdest? The most excessive? Enter confusion and the smell of dozens of other same-thing foodie shows.
Best Food Ever continues to strengthen TLC's middle finger to Food Network (not to mention preparing for the re-birth of FN's sibling, Fine Living, as The Cooking Channel on May 31) with successful shows like Cake Boss, BBQ Pitmasters, and Ultimate Cake Off. And while Best Food Ever may be a re-hash wreck, new TLC shows are just around the corner, including Food Buddha, Cupcake Sisters, and Mega Bites.
Best Food Ever starts this Monday at 9 p.m. on TLC. Now here's the rest of your foodie TV schedule so you won't miss a thing.
Monday (May 3)
Martha Stewart Show: "The Alice Waters Show." Alice Waters' new cookbook, "In the Green Kitchen: Techniques to Learn by Heart," is featured, and recipes are prepared by three contributing chefs, including Scott Peacock (collard greens and corn muffins): Bryant Terry (spinach and citrus chard); and Cal Peternell (kale crostini). 9 a.m., Channel 15, ABC
Unwrapped: "American Classics." The making of Five Guys burgers; Baby Ruth candy bars; and Hostess Ho Hos. Also: an 18th-century coffeehouse is Colonial Williamsburg is visited. 8:30 p.m., Food Network
(New Show!) Best Food Ever: "Sensational Sandwiches." The best sandwiches across the country, including a $100 cheesesteak, are sampled in the premiere of this series, which counts down America's best eats. 9 p.m., TLC
Ultimate Chili Challenge: Five chefs compete for $25,000 at the annual World's Championship Chili Cookoff in Charleston, West Virginia. 10 p.m., TLC
Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern: The host visits Cambodia and gets a taste of many unique regional eats. 10 p.m., Travel Channel
Tuesday (May 4)
Little Chocolatiers: "Checkmate Chocolate." A giant chocolate chessboard is created for a chess champion. 10 p.m., TLC
Chopped: "Mussels Mastery & Cotton Candy Can-Do." Mussels and cotton candy are among the featured ingredients. 10 p.m., Food Network
Wednesday (May 5)
Martha Stewart Show: "Cinco de Mayo Recipes." Cinco de Mayo recipes, including guacamole and paella, with chef Rick Bayless. 9 a.m., Channel 15, ABC
(Champion Round Kick-Off!) Top Chef Masters: "Wedding Wars." The champions round kicks off with the Top 8 chefs participating in a tasty relay race. The culinary artisans must then cater a wedding using mobile kitchens. 10 p.m., Bravo
Three Sheets: "Tanzania." Included: "bee brew" with a Masai tribe; hibiscus wine; the bars of Arusha; banana brew; and konyagi. "Poland." Included: sampling vodka; playing drinking games involving hammers, saws, spikes and lumber; a Polish wedding. 11 p.m. and 11:30 p.m., Travel Channel
Friday (May 7)
Martha Stewart Show: "Baked Goods and Mother's Day Gifts." Recipes for corn muffins with pears and coconut cookies with pastry chef Maury Rubin. 9 a.m., Channel 15, ABC
Kitchen Nightmares: "Fleming." Chef Ramsay visits Fleming, a Danish eatery in Miami that is no longer the hot spot it once was. The rigid owner doesn't want to update the place, and Ramsay discovers something in the cooler that causes him to close the restaurant during dinner service. 8 p.m., Channel 10, FOX
Private Chefs of Beverly Hills: "It Ain't Easy Being Green." The chefs prepare a meal that showcases their client's sustainable produce; a German financier wants a meal that will impress his Indian in-laws; a no-carb gourmet dinner is made for a repeat client. 10 p.m., Food Network
Saturday (May 8)
Spice & Easy: "Gourmet Cooking Club." Prepared: lemon-curry corn fritters; pad Thai; cardamom roasted pears; and savory spiced soda. 9:30 a.m., Food Network
Cooking for Real: "Hungry and Healthy." Chicken meatballs and linguine with collard-green pesto complete a nutritious meal. Also: blackberry-gin-fizz floats. 12 p.m., Food Network
Sunday (May 9)
Alex's Day Off: "Classic Indian Dishes." Indian dishes are prepared. Included: spiced braised chicken thighs; beer-battered cauliflower with smoked paprika; homemade naan. 9:30 a.m., Food Network
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What Would Brian Boitano Make?: "Guy's Ride." West Coast burgers; hot dogs with sweet pickled relish and spicy onion sauce; a coffee-and-donuts shake. 1 p.m., Food Network
Big Daddy's House: "Seafood Shack." Lobster rolls with avocado and bacon, served alongside baked cranberry beans with smoked sausage and Boston-cream pie. 1:30 p.m., Food Network
The Chocolate Wars: An examination of America's billion-dollar candy industry, and the rivalry between Hershey and Mars. 9 p.m., TLC
Iron Chef America: "Garces vs. Liken." Chef Kelly Liken from Vail, Colorado, takes on Iron Chef Jose Garces in Kitchen Stadium. 10 p.m., Food Network