With last night's episode of Top Chef All-Stars, there was some serious hatin' going on in the aftermath of the dim sum elimination challenge last week where EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET thought Two-Stitch Jamie was goin' home. Nope. Still here. Still annoying. Plus, Dale and Teen Wolf Marcel are fighting. Don't get bit, Dale!
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!! The chefs get up at the ass crack of dawn, get dressed, and go to the Top Chef kitchen where Padma has left them a note saying they're going to Montauk Point on Long Island to fish. Everyone is jumping around and flipping out like they've just won the friggin' sea. They get into their product-placement Toyotas and drive off into the sunrise.
When they get to Montauk Point, the chefs discover that their Quickfire Challenge has been replaced with an Ultra-Mega-Extreme-Suck-It-Double-Rainbow-Double-Elimination Challenge where they have to break up into four teams of three, fish for five hours, and then cook what they caught for 200 people. Angelo starts talking about Jaws and shark facts and trying super-hard to be that non-creepy, normal person who just happens to talk about sharks a lot. His insane meter goes up another notch.
Anchors away, y'all -- spoiler alerts ahead!
Fishing shows are boring as hell and because there are no sharks, giant squids, breaching whales, or robo-sharks, the fishing segment lasts a lifetime despite Bravo's attempts to make us guffaw with crazy fish-catching faces, ass cracks, and jokes about "rods." Minutes of our lives we'll never get back. Note to Bravo: Next time, use sharks.
Fishing. Farmer's Market. More boring. More filler. Still no sharks. Is anyone wondering how "lucky" all the teams were to catch enough fish for 200 people? Funny how that worked out.
Commence cooking. Tom does a pop-in and makes everyone second guess themselves, Teen Wolf Marcel convinces Red Richard and Fabio to make one dish (note to everyone: never listen to Teen Wolf Marcel unless he is howling, then run!), and Fabio threatens Red Richard with a "nut attack" which would have been more funny if we weren't still so bored. That's okay, things will get much more interesting when Eric Ripert or Anthony Bourdain show up and start...WTF? Guest judge and Tom Colicchio fishing partner, Kerry Heffernan? Goddammit, this episode is never going to end. Let's get to the Judges' Table.
Judges' Table: Dale, Carla, Tre, Tiffany, Mike and Angelo come out on top. Dale delivered a terrific taco, but it was Carla who took the win (and trip to Amsterdam) with her smoked blue fish with pumpernickel croutons. Woo-hoo Carla!
On the bottom: Two-Stitch Jamie, Tiffany F., Antonia, Red Richard, Fabio, and Teen Wolf Marcel. Red Richard's team gets tagged for doing one dish (never listen to Teen Wolf!) and Antonia is told she would have won if it weren't for her crap-ass teammates. Antonia then starts crying and everyone is thinking they liked her better when she was squealing like a child on the fishing boat. NO CRYING ON TOP CHEF, ANTONIA!
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
In the end, Two-Stitch Jamie (finally) and Tiffany F. are told to pack their knives and go.
Note to Bravo: No more getting rid of Quickfire Challenges in lieu of one, long, boring, shark-less, filler-filled episode. For serious! Ugh.
Next week: Restaurant Wars. Double ugh.