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Twin Peaks "Breastaurant" Opens in Scottsdale, and We're There for the Scenery, Er, Food

Twin Peaks in Scottsdale opened on Wednesday.
Twin Peaks in Scottsdale opened on Wednesday.
Photo by William Westfall

I am a man, and as a fairly typical representative of my gender I enjoy certain things. A large glass of beer. Sports games on high definition TVs. And, of course, breasts, both of the edible chicken and ogle-worthy human variety.

That said, I've never been a frequent visitor to breastaurants, the establishments that cater to these basest of desires. This is for a couple reasons. First, anyone who's lived in the Valley for a while has never wanted for views of scantily-clad ladies, so to mix arousal with a meal always seemed excessive.

​In the same vein, a restaurant that focused on the size of its servers' assets would inevitably pale in comparison to one that hired its staff based on skills and experience with food service. When eating, the food is the thing of import, and no amount of spectacular boobs can make up for a shitty chicken wing.

So when I visited the much-talked-about Twin Peaks during its complimentary opening night for members of the media Wednesday, the food was the goal. But dammit if the girls didn't make it hard to focus. As soon as I sat down, I was immediately joined by a blonde from Austin named Jennifer (who, I discovered, is playing the part of "Naked Girl in Helmet" in the upcoming Denzel Washington movie, Flight. Guess who's going to see that).

See the full Twin Peaks slideshow here.

The owners know what they're doing in choosing these girls -- as a friend of mine used to say while motioning to his chest, "She had a GREAT personality."

What were we talking about? Oh yes, food. We'll start with the beer. Everything on tap at Twin Peaks is kept at a frosty 29 degrees -- this is actually a major point of pride for the restaurant, and there's a big digital thermometer above the bar to keep track of it.

The problem is, sub-freezing temps are far too cold to properly taste a beer (this is a topic for another post, but 45-55 degrees is usually recommended). Along with a couple dozen others, Twin Peaks pours a pair of beers based on its own recipe that are brewed locally by SanTan, according to Jennifer, AKA Naked Girl in Helmet.

 

The brews are called Dirty Blonde (a wheaty American blonde ale) and Naughty Brunette (a nutty American amber), and both are actually decent -- when you let them warm a bit.

But really, it all comes down to the food, and here Twin Peaks also gives a respectable showing. In the Peaks Sampler, a combination of classic bar foods, the buffalo wings were tender; the fried pickles and jalapenos crispy; the mozzarella sticks were some of the best I've had. The chicken-fried steak covered in jalapeno cream gravy was great, and big enough that I'll be eating leftovers until next Tuesday.

Punctuated by good music -- the Beatles, Frampton, Bob Seger and other classic rock -- and frequent visits from the girls, it was a good meal. In breastaurants, the allure of a visit is built-in. Men, guided by their caveman brains, will seek these places out like sea turtles returning to a beach, and all the restaurant has to do while the air fills with the sounds of flirtation and rising hopes is offer food that doesn't suck. Twin Peaks' beer is good, the TVs are numerous and the food isn't half bad. Plus, you know, boobs. It should do well. 

 

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