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Deep Fix

As the stylishly draped litigator who ran Attorney General Grant Woods' staff of 301 lawyers, Rob Carey was the most powerful prosecutor in Arizona. Carey is cocky, urbane and intellectually intimidating, attributes that might have hung more gracefully from the frame of an older, less ambitious man; having taken over...
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CORPORATION MEN

Renz Jennings, chairman of the Arizona Corporation Commission, can't ignore the telephone behind his desk. "We may be the only ones in the building," Jennings tells his visitor as he grabs the receiver. On the other end of the line is a high school student who wants, at 6 p.m...
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WE LIKE MIKE

In our opinion, there are just two things Phoenix Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill must consider when he evaluates his team's coaching situation: 1. Mike Ditka is God. 2. And He is available--if not immediately, then eventually. Joe Bugel is a nice guy. But you know what they say about nice...
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HOLY COWBOY

Cody Custer groaned and removed an ice pack from his aching back. Clad only in his underwear, he began the laborious process of taping a brace to his right knee. He had a trainer tape his right ankle, then wrap a huge Ace bandage around his thigh, waist and groin...
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Let’s Get Blitzed!

NFL feature Kenna needs proofs of this type. Please let her know when it is processed. Many thanks, cj Cap'n Dave's letter A PERSONAL MESSAGE TO NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE OWNERS FROM CAP'N DAVE We here in Phoenix are desperate for big-time football, and we'd be willing to do almost anything...
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THE PLUG IS PULLED

I felt a tinge of sadness the other day when I read that the Chicago Bears had waived their massive defensive tackle, William "Refrigerator" Perry. Unless you lived in Chicago during the 1985 football season, you'll probably find it hard to understand what was so special about "The Fridge," as...
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The Road to Hell is Paved

It's relatively easy to turn a "2" into a "4" on a piece of paper. Mark Killian thinks he can do the same thing with Arizona law. Four years ago state lawmakers agreed to let Maricopa County voters decide whether to impose a temporary half-cent sales tax to fund freeway...
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The Soul Of Robert Usdane Is Tied To Martin Luther King

Maybe you cannot imagine what it is like to be Robert Usdane. He is a Republican leader who is the key to a Democratic bill to honor Martin Luther King Jr. with a paid holiday. He is a Jew who sits on the board of directors of the Anti-Defamation League...
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On the Rink of A Vervous Breakdown

Momentarily oblivious to the sound man who's cramming a battery pack down the back of her dress (a skintight creation that could pass for a sequined sausage casing), former Channel 10 newscaster Shelly Jamison ponders her new position in the show-biz firmament. "What would my reaction have been if someone...
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The Junk Decade

The following is a transcript of an upcoming episode of Geraldo Rivera's hard-hitting TV expose series Geraldo. It's scheduled to air January 5. Geraldo: What is it about our society that requires us to place labels on our decades? Ten years is such a long time, and so many diverse...
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Where Did The Fun Go?

Now that there is a baseball future, writers across the country are peering into their highball glasses in hopes of seeing it. This is something they do every year. These somber prognostications are often hilarious, more often pathetic, hardly ever correct. Still, the writers scrawl. Following are my predictions for...
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The Adventures of the Half-Nelson Family

Curtis Hennig arrived at Saguaro High in Scottsdale midway during his junior year, a transfer student from Minnesota who quickly made it known he wanted to play football, wrestle and raise hell. He is remembered by his athlete friends as a friendly, fun-loving kid who loved to roughhouse. When your...
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PROPOSITION ME!

Everywhere I go recently, people ask: "Cap'n Dave, what's the deal with the election this year?" They are referring to the fact that this upcoming vote is a mind bender. In addition to the usual nagging responsibility of doofus-selection for all the high offices, we've also got about a dozen...
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SPELLING OUT RETARDATION

"Weirdo. Retard. Stupid. Slowpoke." With gentle prodding, the third graders at Liberty Elementary School had no problem coming up with the words used to describe people with mental retardation. A few minutes later, the kids got a taste of what it's like. Split up into small groups, they were told...
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THE FLAMBOYANT CLAIRVOYANT

Dr. Richard Ireland has been many things in his time. Nightclub mind reader. Psychic sleuth. Hollywood seer. Corpse. On this particular day, however, the "Godfather of Psychics" is merely late. En route to an interview, the self-described "Phoenix Oracle" somehow fails to foresee that the car he is riding in...