10 Awful Halloween Costume Ideas for Couples

We're not opposed to dressing up in couples' costumes, but every year, there are some couples who insist on wearing terrible costumes together. Personally, we think it's best to play it safe if you're going to be a couple, and just be police officers or lumberjacks or something more generic.

Here are 10 costumes that you and your boo probably shouldn't try out for Halloween this year (or any year, for that matter). Bonus points to any couple who goes as Spider-Man and zombie Gwen Stacy or Elsa and Olaf (because no one wants to be Anna).

See also: 11 Hottest Halloween Costume Trends for 2014

10. Star-Lord & Gamora

By no means is this a bad costume. If done right, this could actually be an awesome costume. Unfortunately, 99.9 percent of the couples who will try to wear this costume won't be able to come anywhere near pulling it off. If both of you are in superhero-esque shape and have the wit and comedic timing of the Guardians of the Galaxy stars, then by all means, go for it. Just put in the effort, because otherwise you'll end up looking like a futuristic hobo and She-Hulk's lazy cousin. On the flip side, if you're a tiny lady with a tall dude, Rocket Raccoon and Groot would be a fantastic costume and likely require way less work.

9. Kim Kardashian & Kanye West

Realistically, we think people should probably stay away from dressing like celebrity couples in general, but is there any couple worse than Kim and Kanye right now? If you don't hate one of them, you probably can't stand the other. But if you're a fan of both, then we guess it might just be too late for you. The only acceptable way to wear this costume would be as the "Kimye in the Morning" skit from SNL. While we're on the topic, how about everyone agrees to stay away from recently broken-up celebrity couples like Wiz Khalifa/Amber Rose and Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon. Because no one should ever be Nick Cannon.

8. Anything that's a direct reference to your genitals

Guys, we get it. You thought it'd be funny to wear a costume that greatly exaggerated your junk in a comedic manner. It probably was for a little bit, but now you're just giving the rest of us a bad name. As far as couples' costumes go, we're not sure what kind of lady would want to go as an electrical socket, a keyhole, a USB port or any other representation of the receiving end to their male counterpart's costume, but every year you see at least a few of them. If you're going to do a costume that has to go with the other person, be something where both sides are even, like peanut butter and jelly.

7. A frat boy and a crab

This actually applies to men, women, and any STD, but this was the most likely scenario we could come up with. Sure, it'll be funny to some of the (presumably drunk) people around you, but do you really want to publicly represent an STD (and/or someone who has an STD) all night? We wouldn't. It just seems like you'd be testing the disease-ridden fates with that one.

6. Jamie & Cersei Lannister

You know what's an awesome show? Game of Thrones. You know what's not awesome about the show? Incestuous rape. Even if you're going by the book version where there is no rape, do you and your significant other really want to spend the night pretending to be siblings/lovers? If you've got your heart set on a Game of Thrones-themed costume, what about Jon Snow and Ygritte? At least then you'd get to go around telling people that they know nothing. For that matter, we'd dress as pretty much any GoT couple before we'd go with the two full-sized Lannister siblings.

5. Taylor Swift & any of the guys she's dated

We are never ever ever going to think this is a good costume idea. We know you love T-Swift, but do you really hate your man so much that you'd make him be a Jonas brother or the werewolf from Twilight? Plus, haven't you seen how her relationships all work out? Don't put those bad vibes into your relationship.

4. The lead couple from your favorite sitcom

Yes, ladies, you're exactly like Mindy Kaling, Lena Dunham, and/or Zooey Deschanel. Yes, ladies, their shows are totally just like your everyday life. No, ladies, you shouldn't dress up as them and their respective significant others for Halloween. If you want to go as Mindy/Hannah/Jess, then by all means, go as one of them. But try to make it painfully obvious who you are (otherwise almost no one will get it), don't expect anyone to know who you are, and don't make your man go as one of their somewhat generic boyfriends. Because he's not making you be Jenny from The League, Dee from It's Always Sunny, or Jillian from Workaholics, is he?

3. Ebola victims

Every year, there's one costume that pokes fun at whatever horrible tragedy happened recently and shows how tasteless people can be on the Internet. In the past, we've seen couples dressed as the Twin Towers, oil spills, and Boston Marathon runners. We're guessing this year's unnecessarily tasteless costume will be Ebola-themed (since ISIS beheadings would require much more costume preparation). It might seem funny to you and your dark-humored friends, but you should know by now that if a single photo of it leaks on to social media, you're going to be the example of stupid offensive Halloween costumes for the next year.

2. Anything involving blackface

No. Just never do it. Don't attempt to change your race for the sake of the costume. Someone famous will inevitably do this again and claim to not know better. You should know better. No one will remember if you looked like Olivia Pope. They'll just remember that you shouldn't have tried to look like Olivia Pope. And nobody will recognize your accompanying Fitz and/or Jake.

1. Ray & Janay Rice

Do we really need to explain this one? Domestic abuse shouldn't be taken lightly, and glorifying it by portraying abusers for Halloween certainly isn't going to sit well with most reasonable people.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Josh Chesler
Contact: Josh Chesler