If you've ever read the summaries of trashy romance novels on Amazon, then you know how tough it can be to write something both sexually provocative and not entirely silly.
Sexting isn't any different. It requires a balance of relatively blatant sexuality and cleverly crafted dialogue. The problem is that most people are generally terrible communicators, meaning they're even worse sexters. Here are 10 things you should never sext.
See also: How to Talk to Hot Strangers
10. "Oh yeah?"
If we sexted you something, then yeah, we meant to say it. If you don't have anything to add, at least give us some positive reinforcement, rather than question everything we say. We know you're trying to be sly, but let's not respond to everything with a question.
9. Any mention of actual sex problems
There are a ton of logistical issues you can run into when you're having sex, but sexting isn't the time to bring up any of those. Whether it's roommate problems or biological issues, anything that isn't desirable doesn't exist in sexting. You don't dream of it raining on your ideal wedding day, do you? (Unless you're into that kind of thing.)
8. Three-paragraph sexts
Rhythm is a totally underrated part of sexting. If you take too long between sexts, the person you're sexting is going to lose interest (and possibly fall asleep). Instead of taking forever to send one long sext, send a few shorter ones. Better yet, send one or two and then let your partner respond. Hopefully they don 't respond with anything on this list.
7. Pop culture references
Don't get us wrong, we love dropping random movie lines, song lyrics, and reality TV quotes into everyday conversation (and are very partial to geek pickup lines). There are times when quoting Zoolander is appropriate, and there are times when it's not. Unless you specifically know that your sexting partner wants you to say that you're really really ridiculously good-looking when you strike Blue Steel before getting it on, sexting isn't the time to share your pop culture knowledge.
6. "Would you like that?"
Actually worse than "Oh yeah?" is a question that not only questions what you said, but also if you'd actually enjoy what you said. Odds are, if we're the ones directing the sexting, then we'll like whatever it was we said. Of course, this can be easily corrected to the far superior "You would like that, wouldn't you?"
5. Twilight-esque words like "quiver"
So you're trying to sound smart or sensual or whatever, and your first move is to start using words from books and movies. That's also your first mistake. If you wouldn't actually say it in the moment, you probably shouldn't sext it. Whether it's an absurd verb or an egregious adjective, a word shouldn't distract you from what the sentence actually says, and that's particularly true when you're walking the textual tightrope of sexting.
4. Scientific names for your genitals
There's nothing sexy about scientific names for your crotch-parts. They've never turned anyone on. Good thing there are plenty of nicknames that sound less weird.
3. Ridiculous pet names for your genitals
There's also nothing sexy about ridiculous pet names for your parts. No one's getting aroused by hearing about your Pikachu. Again, good thing there are plenty of less weird nicknames to use.
2. Excessive emojis
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There's nothing wrong with a winking emoji or two. Maybe you can even include a sexual-looking peach or eggplant (have you any idea how strange it sounds to think of a "sexual eggplant"), but don't go over the top with it. Emojis can come off as a little bit stupid and childish, which are definitely two things you want to avoid when sexting. Use your words, like a big boy/girl..
1. "And then what..."
Hands down, this is the most classic (and most terrible) of the classic terrible sexting lines. Sexting isn't a monologue, it's a conversation. Not only does this line not add anything, but it immediately throws the pressure back on the other person to up the ante from what they just said. If you throw more than one "And then what..." into a sexting conversation, we don't blame your partner for dropping it entirely.