If you haven't been exiled from modern society in the past six months, chances are good you know what Tinder is. If you're a single millennial with a Facebook account and a smartphone, chances are really good you also have a Tinder profile.
If you have somehow managed to avoid any mention or usage of this dating app, here's a little rundown. Tinder syncs up with its users' Facebook accounts to find prospects. Users can flip through the mini-profiles of said prospects, which include first names and ages, and either "like" or "pass." If, and only if, two people like each others' profiles, then they are matched and can chat with one another.
With up to six photos, a quick bio, and a list of any mutual interests and friends from Facebook, Tinder users can quickly judge whether they're interested or not. This means that the content of your Tinder profile can make or break your next hookup/relationship/awkward text conversation that ends terribly.
See also: 10 Phoenix Guys You've Probably Dated
As reluctant-to-admit-it Tinderellas, we have flipped through our fair share of Tinderfellas and witnessed the good, the bad, and the flat-out disgusting in men's profiles. So, in hopes of bettering the half-assed mobile dating experience for all of us, we're gonna do you dudes a favor and dish the dos and don'ts of creating your Tinder profiles.
10. Don't use only group photos. We are not going to spend the time analyzing six different images, trying to decipher which man-face is the common denominator. If we wanted to play that game, we'd pick up a book and hunt for Waldo.
9. Do use selfies. Normally, selfies are frowned upon both when being taken and when posted on any social media. However, when we're trying to judge your date-ability based solely off your physical looks, please give us at least one selfie. We'll even take a Myspace-style mirror pic. Just give us something where we can clearly see your face -- unless it's a crotch selfie. You know what we're talking about, guys. When you hold your phone in your lap and take a photo of you looking down on it. We're not stupid. We know what you're trying to do. Subtlety, fellas. It's all about the subtlety.
8. Don't try to show us you're a fun guy by using photos of you shirtless and toasting with a red cup. By all means, do try to show us you're a fun guy, but when all we see are photos of you half-naked at parties with Bud Light after Bud Light, all we're going to take away is that you probably don't own a shirt, and we have very different tastes in alcohol. Also, please try to have sleeves in at least one of your photos.
7. Don't be married. Don't have photos of you and your wife on your wedding day signing your marriage certificate. We don't care if your wife is "cool with it." We and we're guessing a majority of the female population are not. Tinder is creepy enough without self-proclaimed married men joining in the hunt. Stop that.
6. Do use photos of you with your grandma or dog. If you have a photo of you with your grandma and your dog, that's an automatic like. We're not going to lie, we've liked guys on Tinder for their cute dogs before. Cute dog, cute guy, right? But we've also seen some profiles made up solely of dog pics. There's a line, guys, and it's really not that fine. One side implies a sweet, caring guy, and the other makes us wonder why exactly you love your dog so much.
5. Don't use photos of you kissing another girl. In the vein of the whole you-being-married thing, we're not into polygamy. Still don't know of any girls who are. And when we see a photo or multiple photos of a guy kissing another girl, that tells us he is not over his ex or worse, she's not yet an ex, in which case, automatic X for you.
4. Be very careful posting photos with you and a child. Some ladies may be okay with daddies or even into it, but for some there is no faster way to get swiped to the left. If the kid isn't yours, either don't include him/her in a photo with you or make a note in your description that there is no paternal relation between you and said child. And while we're on the subject of children, don't post one of your own baby photos. Best case scenario: "Oh wow, he was really cute at one point!" Worst case scenario: Massive confusion about your real age.
3. Don't be a douche. We don't know why guys think girls will be attracted to them if they flip off the camera, but there seems to be some understanding among men that this is true. Let us tell you, it's not. Same goes for posing with national monuments as your dick. If we utter, "whatta douche," under our breath about you after only seeing six photos that you've chosen to represent yourself, it's probably not a good sign.
2. Don't make us roll our eyes at your tagline. It's no secret that you're judged mostly by your photos on Tinder, however, your tagline or description could very well be the deciding factor. If we're on the fence about you, but you have a cute, amusing or interesting tagline, we'll probably give you a chance. On the other hand, posting only "I piss excellence" will get you a hard and fast "Nope!" Please use this space on your profile wisely to shed some light on your passions, job, Meyers-Briggs results, or personality, even if it's just a simple "KCCO."
1. And most importantly, do not duckface. EVER.
Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.