Courting Disaster

50 Signs You're Dating a Basic Bro

Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.

Are you searching for a stand-out man but feeling like you end up dating the same generic brand of dude? Chances are, that guy's a basic bro, the work-hard-play-hard type fueled by protein powder and Daft Punk. While there's plenty to love and hate about both the basic bitch and the basic bro, we can all agree that these two deserve each other.

See also: 50 Signs You're Dating a Basic Bitch

50. He has thousands of dollars worth of electronics (i.e., a flat-screen TV, Xbox, stereos) but no toilet paper.

49. His degree is most like in business or communications.

48. He loves rap songs about smoking weed.

47. He wears Axe Body Spray. Which is strange because no woman on Earth likes Axe Body Spray.

46. The only magazines he subscribes to are Sports Illustrated and Maxim.

45.He's obsessed with Crossfit. In case you couldn't already tell from the Crossfit selfies, Crossfit shirts, and photos with the caption #crossfit.

44. His weekend attire generally involves flip-flops, a tank top, a backwards baseball cap, and neon Wayfarer-style sunglasses.

43.He drinks Muscle Milk. Even when he's not working out.

42.He knows next to nothing about the female reproductive system.

41. He just assumes you're on the pill. Right?

40. He saves beer bottles and cans to form some sort of beer can structure or display above the cabinets in the kitchen.

39. His living room lacks any decent seating options. You have your choice between the futon, the bean bag, or the plastic lawn chair.

38. On his walls you can usually find posters of Bob Marley, Scarface, or Boondock Saints.

37. Other than the posters, his walls are plain white, and his mattress is on the ground.

36. Kate Upton is his dream girl.

35. He loves EDM.

34. Coachella is like a religious pilgrimage.

33. He was in a frat.

32. He loves Scarface but can't really explain why.

31. He brags about getting bottle service.

30. He owns a longboard.

29. He thinks cheap lingerie is a suitable birthday gift for you.

28. He plays drinking games well after college and will probably never throw out that beer pong table.

27.Tom Leykis and Tucker Max are his heroes.

26. He's really looking forward to the Entourage movie.

25. He's fueled by energy drinks.

24. Everything in his life shares the fantasy theme: his football draft, his video games, his ideal woman.

23. He drops numbers, including how much he lifts and how much things cost.

22. Windex and Febreze are his favorite only products for cleaning anything and everything.

21. He doesn't realize fabric softener and laundry detergent are two separate things.

20. He owns boat shoes.

19. He sports tribal tattoos.

18.He uses words like "gay" and "retarded" as synonyms for stupid.

17. The three things playing on his TV are ESPN, Family Guy, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

16. You'll find the saying "Keep Calm and Chive On" (or "KCCO") somewhere in his apartment. On a shirt, on a flag, on a beer koozie -- it's there somewhere.

15. His only cooking skill is grilling. And "skill" might be pushing it.

14. He lives for burritos.

13. He uses styling gel. Which, sadly, you'll realize only after you've run your hand through his hair.

12. He thinks women can't be funny. But they can be silly. So there's that.

11. He uses hashtags like #brolove and #NOHOMO.

10. He drives either a lifted truck with the optional voluptuous mud flap girl or a souped-up '90s sedan that make you question his financial priorities.

9. He basically wants to be Matthew McConaughey.

8. Porn is in plain view at his place.

7. Every guy he meets is his new best friend.

6. He doesn't smile much in pictures; instead, he uses hand gestures like scissor gang mafia and pointing at people.


5. His favorite comedian is Daniel Tosh.

4. His favorite movies are 300, Anchorman, and pretty much anything by Martin Scorsese.

3. His "chill out" playlist usually include Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, Slightly Stoopid, and Sublime.

2. He loves Pink Floyd. He doesn't know who Syd Barrett is.

1. He jokes about women making him a sandwich.

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Katie Johnson
Contact: Katie Johnson