Film and TV

6 TV Shows That Should Be Canceled Right Now

Remember how The Grinder was canceled and it shouldn’t have been? That sucked. And to make matters worse, a bunch more shows weren’t canceled that definitely should have been.

There are more than enough hours and channels in existence that the shit easily outnumbers more entertaining programming, but some of these network travesties continue to poison our cultural wellspring despite years of broadcasting.

Remember these awful shows. Get angry. Get furious. Call your congresspeople. Demand television reform today.

Grey’s Anatomy
What more could possibly happen to Meredith Grey? She found out she had a long-lost little sister. She helped defuse a bomb in a dude’s chest. She survived a plane crash that killed her sister. Her husband cheated on her. Her husband died. She found another long-lost sister (yep). And then she was the victim of an assault orchestrated by Denzel Washington.

Shit gets rough in Shondaland, and Grey’s Anatomy is the tamest of her dramas. But what else is left to do at Seattle Grace Hospital?

At the rate of acceleration the drama ramps up, coupled with the fact that ABC will renew the show for an eternity (think Ellen Pompeo holograms, people), we’re looking at a penultimate episode where Meredith and Bailey have to perform an emergency triple bypass on the president of Mars before a meteor collides with the Martian surface, followed by a quiet series finale in which Meredith and Karev transcend their mortal shells and play skee ball with Drs. McDreamy and McSteamy in the Seventh Dimension.

Don’t worry, because there’s still Scandal, and it’s only a matter of time before Kerry Washington is fighting the Illuminati with an anthropomorphic squirrel who sounds like Humphrey Bogart.

Each renewal notice this show gets is a reminder that God is dead and the Hollywood fat cats have ground up her ashes, snorted them, stripped naked, danced to the carnal beat that flows within all souls, leeched off the dormant powers of the Old Ones, and harnessed it to produce the Continued Adventures of Sam and Dean Winchester.

The best compliment one could possibly give Supernatural is that it is a show that exists on a television network and it has existed for more than a few years now. The second-best compliment one could give is that an actor from the show plays Rory’s third-best boyfriend on Gilmore Girls.

There have to be more than enough DeGrassi alumni to make a new show for the CW, or at least another moody DC Comics property with beautiful 20-somethings pretending to be teens.

NCIS/Criminal Minds/Big Bang Theory/Survivor/Big Brother/Every show on CBS
Someone should make a show that’s like Mr. Robot, but instead of deleting a mega-conglomerate’s financial records, they’re deleting all of CBS programming.

There isn’t one particularly awful show on CBS; they’re all so distinctively bland and basic to the point regular viewers have become inundated to the shit. Fifteen years of Crime Scene Investigations will do that to a viewership.

How do their most milquetoast programs have at least a decade’s worth of seasons while Person of Interest (aka “24 for 9/11 Truthers”) gets canceled after just five seasons of shooting kneecaps? Whichever virus was plaguing the network has seeped into the marrow. What else can they do but burn it all to the ground?

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Joseph Schmidt
Contact: Joseph Schmidt