Remember how The Grinder was canceled and it shouldn’t have been? That sucked. And to make matters worse, a bunch more shows weren’t canceled that definitely should have been.
There are more than enough hours and channels in existence that the shit easily outnumbers more entertaining programming, but some of these network travesties continue to poison our cultural wellspring despite years of broadcasting.
Remember these awful shows. Get angry. Get furious. Call your congresspeople. Demand television reform today.
What more could possibly happen to Meredith Grey? She found out she had a long-lost little sister. She helped defuse a bomb in a dude’s chest. She survived a plane crash that killed her sister. Her husband cheated on her. Her husband died. She found another long-lost sister (yep). And then she was the victim of an assault orchestrated by Denzel Washington.
Shit gets rough in Shondaland, and Grey’s Anatomy is the tamest of her dramas. But what else is left to do at Seattle Grace Hospital?
At the rate of acceleration the drama ramps up, coupled with the fact that ABC will renew the show for an eternity (think Ellen Pompeo holograms, people), we’re looking at a penultimate episode where Meredith and Bailey have to perform an emergency triple bypass on the president of Mars before a meteor collides with the Martian surface, followed by a quiet series finale in which Meredith and Karev transcend their mortal shells and play skee ball with Drs. McDreamy and McSteamy in the Seventh Dimension.
Don’t worry, because there’s still Scandal, and it’s only a matter of time before Kerry Washington is fighting the Illuminati with an anthropomorphic squirrel who sounds like Humphrey Bogart.
Each renewal notice this show gets is a reminder that God is dead and the Hollywood fat cats have ground up her ashes, snorted them, stripped naked, danced to the carnal beat that flows within all souls, leeched off the dormant powers of the Old Ones, and harnessed it to produce the Continued Adventures of Sam and Dean Winchester.
The best compliment one could possibly give Supernatural is that it is a show that exists on a television network and it has existed for more than a few years now. The second-best compliment one could give is that an actor from the show plays Rory’s third-best boyfriend on Gilmore Girls.
There have to be more than enough DeGrassi alumni to make a new show for the CW, or at least another moody DC Comics property with beautiful 20-somethings pretending to be teens.
NCIS/Criminal Minds/Big Bang Theory/Survivor/Big Brother/Every show on CBS
Someone should make a show that’s like Mr. Robot, but instead of deleting a mega-conglomerate’s financial records, they’re deleting all of CBS programming.
There isn’t one particularly awful show on CBS; they’re all so distinctively bland and basic to the point regular viewers have become inundated to the shit. Fifteen years of Crime Scene Investigations will do that to a viewership.
How do their most milquetoast programs have at least a decade’s worth of seasons while Person of Interest (aka “24 for 9/11 Truthers”) gets canceled after just five seasons of shooting kneecaps? Whichever virus was plaguing the network has seeped into the marrow. What else can they do but burn it all to the ground?
It’s not that this show sucks; it’s that Seth MacFarlane is an amazing big-band singer and these silly cartoon shows are detracting from his greatest artistic contributions.
Listen to those vocals. It’s like an angel tonguefucked Frank Sinatra’s voice box and the holy union gave birth to this wondrous crooning.
Cancel this damn show — all the damn shows — and make three Christmas albums a year, please.
This show began as a contemporary take on the classic sitcom — switching out the multi-cam format for single camera, adopting The Office-inspired talking heads, and featuring an extended family that attempts to portray current sensibilities.
And it quickly became the bland flagship of ABC’s particular brand of vanilla. Despite being one of the network’s longest running shows, a typical Modern Family season is devoid of stakes, change, or progression. Aside from the characters physically aging, the changes to the narrative and dynamics are minute.
Manny is affable, well-spoken, verging on Eddie Haskell territory. Jay is old, and Gloria talks really loudly. Mitch is uptight, but Cam is a free spirit. Alex, Hayley, and Luke fight a lot. Phil and Claire still get the occasional “let’s roleplay because we’re a fun, not-at-all-boring couple” episode, and even those have become stale. Everyone is trying to hide something from someone else, shenanigans ensue, and by the credit stinger, the whole family learns lessons and shit gets back to square one.
Look on the bright side: By the way they wrapped the latest season, it looks like the producers have finally stopped trying to force that awful crossover with Workaholics or Pitch Perfect or whatever. Thanks for nothing, Adam DeVine, aka the Millennial version of Sean William Scott.
No. More. Firefly. This show seriously just needs to stop.
How much more can you possibly give the fanbase, Joss? These diehard Browncoats endured a season, a film, multiple comic book tie-ins, and MMO. That’s more than enough! There is a swell of material to keep fans satisfied for years to come.
Please. Just quit with the Firefly stuff.
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