Oh boy, the Cardinals. The Cardinals. Why do Arizona sports teams have to be so uniquely disappointing? The team has already lost two games at the University of Phoenix Stadium, and so far they've dropped games to the Boston Belichicks, Shady McCoy's Traveling Orgy, and Jeff Fisher's Mustache.
Things aren’t looking good in the Sea of Red. But luckily for them, we at the New Times are constantly researching methods for the Cardinals to improve. Whether it’s through practice, scientific research, or good old-fashioned voodoo hexing, we’ve come up with some surefire ways for the team to improve their game now.
Here are some tips for Big Red to right the ship and get to the winning.
Go back in time and draft Adrian Peterson
While it may not seem like it at first, this change would have the most immediate impact due to the commonly cited law of physics often referred to as the Butterfly Effect. See, the plan is to go back in time and prevent the Cardinals from drafting Levi Brown in 2007, and instead force them to draft Adrian Peterson. Remember Levi Brown? Of course you fucking don’t, because he was awful and they never should have drafted him. But Peterson, taken just two picks later, has been a generational talent.
Maybe the Cardinals would have won a Super Bowl, maybe AP wouldn’t have been as big an asshole, maybe he wouldn’t be hurt this year. We’re not scientists qualified to make those kinds of predictions, we just know it’d be a great use of rewriting history.
Obtain Tom Brady’s genetic material; clone him
Another scientific feat but not as implausible as time travel. If we could just get close enough to Tom Brady, I bet we could steal one of the hairs off his head before his security team breaks our knees and elbows.
We could even do some genetic tinkering to remake Tom Brady with attributes for different positions, like offensive line and defensive back. It would be a team of talented, sexy, morally ambiguous Tom Bradys willing to do whatever it takes for a win.
Hire Jeffrey Ross to roast coaches and players
Who doesn’t love a good roast? Every season of Hard Knocks has some sort of talent showcase, and the most well-received usually consists of someone mocking or impersonating fellow players or the coaches.
So why not hire the roast master Jeff Ross to tell some jokes? Surely, he’d have a thing or two to say about Bruce Arians’ love affair with Kangol.
Destroy USC’s football program and never sign a quarterback from there ever again
This is more of a long-term investment, but maybe the act itself might scare Carson Palmer into getting his shit together. Over the last decade, the Cardinals have managed to land three former starting quarterbacks from the University of Southern California including Palmer, Matt Barkley, and Matt Leinart.
We may as well make a trade for Mark Sanchez and embrace the mediocrity. Now, Palmer might be the best of the bunch, but is that really saying a lot? Maybe if we can inject him with some leftover Brady DNA, he might make a competent backup.
Rehire their long snapper and fire him again and again, until the sun burns out
Coach Arians already said that former long snapper Kameron Canaday needs to “grow the hell up.” What better way to make a kid mature than to doom him to repeat his greatest failure and subsequent shaming for eons and eons until claimed by the heat death of the solar system?
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Phoenix New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Phoenix's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Whether he’s cast into a pocket dimension, plugged into some Matrix-like machine, or simply cursed by black magic does not really matter. What matters is making this asshole pay for what could have been a win against the Patriots, who really should have been playing with a sexy Tom Brady on their side. Where was he, anyway?
Make Chandler Catanzaro do his job
Have you ever seen that obscure Famke Janssen movie Taken? We hear it has great motivation tactics.
Don’t allow games to be so close that you have to rely on Chandler Catanzaro doing his job
The legendary Vince Lombardi once let loose this famous pearl of wisdom: “Kickers are shitheads.” On second thought, maybe that was our alcoholic uncle after the Cardinals failed to beat the spread against the Panthers last year. Who knows?
Regardless, the logic holds true. Never trust a kicker.