Adam Carolla Talks Podcasting, Scottsdale, SB 1070, and Things No Man Should Ever Do

It's hard to get Adam Carolla to shut up -- the comedian/raconteur/talk show host is a natural-born talker. 

He spent more than a decade cracking jokes and giving our relationship advice on radio's legendary Loveline, he co-hosted Comedy Central's The Man Show with Jimmy Kimmel, and he ranted and raved in hilarious fashion on his own morning radio show, which was canceled in 2009.

These days, Carolla's dispatching his comedy and caustic opinions via his namesake daily podcast that has millions of weekly listeners. And he's sure to gab up a storm tomorrow night at the Orpheum Theatre when he visits the venue for a night of stand-up comedy and hilarious stories. 

Read more about Carolla's take on Phoenix, SB1070, and why real men should never have to eat stuffed crust pizza and attend inane children's events after the jump ...

Do you feel like you have more freedom then you did on terrestrial radio?

 The freedom part of the podcast is the scheduling part, the flexibility of it, the movement of it. That's really the part that's interesting about it.

Plus you can curse like a longshoreman?
Yeah, it's funny, people tap into that part of it, which is cool, but really the part of podcasting that turned out to be so advantages is the how flexible it is.

What are you planning for you're your appearance at the Orpheum on Friday?
I've got a live 90-minute stage show. It's stand up, sort of a one-man show. It's multimedia, with a little bit of improv worked in and it's not a live podcast or anything like that. It's stories and jokes and there's some visuals that will go along with it so it won't be just me standing there talking.

There'll be a big screen set up and it's basically like this, if I'm talking about how fat my dog Molly is, you'll be looking at a picture of my actual dog Molly and how fat she is while I'm talking about her. So, you don't have to take my word for anything.

So if you discuss douche-baggery and why you hate L.A., then the audience will see stuff up on the screen from that?
Yeah, I will show you many examples of why I hate L.A. and you will see it firsthand. It cuts off the part of the joke where I have to set it up and you get right to the meat part of it. Honestly, it's easier on me because i don't have to stand there and talk for 90 minutes -- which I do anyway -- but what I mean is I have visual aids and the other part of it is it feels a little more contemporary in that people are used to having images come at them. It's funner for me, it's funner for the audience.

What else do you hate about L.A.?
It's never ending. I don't know where to begin. The schools are unusable, the mayor's an idiot. Everything is a disaster. It's horrible, you can't go to a Dodgers game. It's a piece of shit, it's a horrible town.

And I've said this, I did this article for L.A. Magazine, and they asked a bunch of guys were born and bred in Los Angeles what their favorite moment or their favorite whatevers about L.A., and here's what I had to say about the city: The thing that's nice about L.A. is you can get to the ocean in a half an hour or you can get to the mountains in two hours, the weather's great, the topography is cool and all the things that are great about L.A. have nothing to do with the mayor or the city council.

Phoenix has been described as a "mini Los Angeles." So do you automatically hate Phoenix ?

I haven't lived there. If I lived there, I'm sure I would learn to hate it. All I know about Phoenix is they are always a great crowd for me. And I've come in and stayed in Scottsdale, so what the hell do I know? The last time I was in Phoenix I think I was at the Tempe Improv and I stayed in Scottsdale and I'm sure that's not the wrong side of the tracks. It looked like a bunch of rich white people walking around looking for places to eat. Phoenix seems good place to me being from L.A., plus Jimmy Kimmel's parents live there so how bad could it be?

Concealed weapons can be carried legally now, even into the Orpheum Theatre. Are you worried that if you piss someone off they might take a shot at you? 

I ain't no Chuck Heston, but if a heckler wanted to bring a piece into the Orpheum and take me out, I think the concealed firearm law would help me out, since there would be a bunch of guys returning fire on that one guy. So hopefully his first shot misses me ...

I don't like a society with a bunch of guys-toting guns. but on the other hand if some guy freaks out at a shopping mall in Phoenix and there's a bunch of other dudes that can take him down because they are packing, I'm all right with that. 

You've spoken at length about your feelings on Arizona's controversial immigration law. Do you still feel the same way you do back then and that you don't mind that it was passed?
No, I'm happy, fine with it ... If you're here legally no problem.  If you're here illegally then there's a problem.  And stop saying Adam's against immigrants.  Not immigrants, it's illegal immigrants.  I know you don't want to put the word illegal in front of your argument because it makes you sound like an ass that you put illegal in front of something that somebody's against well then it makes them seem sane and you seem like an ass.  Adam Carolla is against illegal immigration, not immigrants. 

You're famous being an outspoken proponent of manliness. What are some things that no man should ever have to do?

Do you know what I had to stop doing to call you? I'm making a heat shield for my Datsun race car between the exhaust header and the carburetor. I'm fabricating one out of aluminum in my garage for a race car. That is how masculine I am. What was the question again?

What are some things that no man should ever have to do?

First, guys should not have to attend pre-kindergarten graduations and functions and nursery school graduations and shit that the kid is never going to remember that are scheduled for Wednesday at 1 p.m. in the afternoon. As if guys don't have jobs anymore. There's all these kid related things that our dads would have never showed up to because they were supposed to be working and all of a sudden they have all these things at 11:45 on Tuesday and it's the middle of the day in the middle of the week.

Yes, but you watch three year old graduate but they don't know where they are. Getting dragged to hundreds of kids parties which I don't do but all my P-whipped buddies do. Every weekend is another five year old birthday party they gotta show up to and if you're gonna have that you've got to have an open bar because there has to be some way for these guys to numb their pain.

What else?

Guys should always drive the car with the only exception is they are going to get plastered and then the wife becomes the designated driver. Guys are much more efficient drivers and less courteous which ends up being faster.

Is that all?

Guys should never eat a pizza that has something stuffed into the crust. I think Pizza Hut is now putting cheese and toppings into the crust of it, which is just screaming to the world we don't know how to make good pizza. That's an apology, that's essentially wrapping bacon around liver. It's like, this would suck on it's own so we're going to do it. Guys should not order anything with goat cheese, pizza with goat cheese, salad with goat cheese, anything with goat cheese should be off limits to dudes.

Adam Carolla is scheduled to perform at the Orpheum Theatre, 203 West Adams Street, on Friday. Click here for ticket info.

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Benjamin Leatherman is a staff writer at Phoenix New Times. He covers local nightlife, music, culture, geekery, and fringe pursuits.