Business Proposals for Arizona's Budding Medical Marijuana Industry

Next spring means all kinds of green in Arizona. Sometime in April, medical marijuana will be available to qualified patients across the state, and as we've already pointed out, that means big business in the form of dispensaries, doctor recommendations, and grow houses.

But most people can't afford to launch any of the above businesses, and many won't qualify under the Arizona Department of Health's super-strict proposed guidelines. Luckily, there are plenty of fringe businesses one can start. Here are eight business proposals that could get a piece of the Pot, Inc. pie:

Munchie delivery service. When a medical marijuana patient's in pain and puffing the pipe, two things will probably happen: They will be too stoned to drive, and they will be hungry. This conundrum can be easily solved by a service that takes munchie orders by phone and drops off the goods for a delivery fee. Two bags of Fritos, a box of chocolate donuts, and a bag of Skittles might cost $30 by they time they show up at the door, but public safety and the comfort of one's pajamas is well worth it.

Professional pot investigator. There are people who can splice marijuana seeds and create hybrid buds, grow massive hydroponic cannabis plants in water tanks, and use insanely high-tech lighting and watering systems to systematically create the most potent pot possible. And then there are people who can smell and smoke a bud and tell you its life story -- the strain, the lineage of the plant, the potency of THC, what those mad marijuana scientists did to create it, and where. If a patient really wants to know their medicine, these geeks could be gurus.

Children's author and educator. Over-the-top government propaganda films like Reefer Madness were all the rage in the 1930s, but now someone's gotta tell little Sally about mom's medicine in a way that doesn't scare the shit out of her. And since Sally's probably already read the classic children's book Everyone Poops to grasp our human unity in bowel movements, a book like Everyone Puffs could be most informative -- if combined with footage from Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. That should be enough to scare away any kid's curiosity.

Pot security. Dispensaries in Colorado and California have reportedly been robbed at gunpoint, and any dispensaries in Arizona will need maximum security. The same goes for grow houses. People in northern California have been known to booby-trap their fields, and every now and then, there's a gun fight over ganja. Guarding a dispensary or grow house could be very dangerous, and therefore, it should be very lucrative.

Home entertainment service. Some medical marijuana patients will be home bound. In the old days, friends would bring sick friends books or send singing telegrams, but now, immobile people have options, like gaming systems and television. But what if some people don't have any friends? Who's going to bring them The A Team on DVD or loan them video games bursting with pretty colors? If only there was a service that dropped off such distractions, maybe courtesy of a singing telegram.

Fragrance line. Marijuana smoke smells, and medical marijuana, which is very high-grade chronic, distinctly stinks like the dickens. One can only use the lame excuses of "It's cigarette smoke you're smelling" or "I rubbed a skunk all over me" so many times. Traditional perfumes temporarily mask the smell, but there's always an underlying whiff of weed. Someone should introduce a specially formulated, odor-killing line of eu de toilette for cannabis.

Commune leader. When medical marijuana communities begin springing up, they'll need a leader. He who grows the best pot wins.

Recall coach. Sometimes, pot smokers get a little forgetful. They'll walk into a room looking for something and forget what it is. They'll be in the middle of a sentence and forget what they're saying. A good recall coach could be vital for helping medical marijuana smokers remember that they put their pipe behind the TV, or that they have a chicken pot pie in the oven.

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Niki D'Andrea has covered subjects including drug culture, women's basketball, pirate radio stations, Scottsdale staycations, and fine wine. She has worked at both New Times and Phoenix Magazine, and is now a freelancer.
Contact: Niki D'Andrea

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