Sunday is Father's Day and dads across the nation will feign appreciation as they receive new neckties, barbecue supplies, and cheap crap that says "#1 Dad" on it.
Lame, lame, lame.
Here's what he really wants.
10. Beer Brewing Kit
So we've seen this a million times, right? Especially in the early otts, this gift was at every bachelor party and duder's Business School graduation celebration across the U.S. But did any of those 20-somethings actually make beer? Of course not. Turns out, making beer is really complicated. That's why it's perfect for Dad. He can spend ten plus hours (that's with the proper supplies) working on a project -- a project that fulfills his need to problem solve and accomplish a goal. And then he can get drunk. Perfect. (For more alcohol-related options, check out our Top Drinks for Dad list on our sister blog, Chow Bella.)
9. Fart Machine
We're talking about a device that's not his butt. Sometimes, when it comes to dads, you have to appeal to the lowest common denominator. They are still boys, after all. So get him an electronic, remote controlled fart machine and you'll see the old man laugh harder that he would if they were actual farts stinking up the room.
8. Magazine Subscription
Any guy magazine will do. Sports Illustrated? Great. The Economist? Awesome. Popular Science? Yeah, alright. The key here is to make sure the magazine goes straight from the mailbox to the back of the toilet (don't even bother with some frilly basket -- he won't use it). We all know it takes Dad about twice as long as any other non-dad human to drop donk so load him up with some reading material while he's dropping a load.
7. Tommy Bahama Shirt
Okay, so, maybe he doesn't want this now but he'll get a lot of use out of this. And usefulness is a key element to any dad gift. Let's face it, most dads don't really care how they look. We call this lack of fashion "Dad Style." Tommy Bahama shirts are the must-have Dad style of every season. It's easy, it's typical, and he can wear it out on the weekends. In fact, he'll wear it until it falls apart. Because in Dad's world, changing styles from season to season is for pansies.
Dad may already have one of these. Great. Get him another one. A better one. One that can destroy more things; one that has more souped-up features; one that growls I'mafuckingmaaaaan every time he yanks the starter cord. Just make sure he has plenty of trees to take out on the property. Otherwise, you'll find your garden hacked to death.
We don't expect Dad to ever have to use a switchblade, but, after decades of changing diapers, coddling crying kids, and giving bear hugs, he may want to have a little reminder handy that he's still a tough guy. We're betting the only thing he might actually use it for is cutting the ribbon off his presents but you may as well let the guy feel like a man when he does it.
4. Man Movies
Anything Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, or his favorite James Bond era will work. This is his window into another world: A world filled with danger, hot women, and general badassery. Yes, the old man will spend hours imagining what his life could have been like if he hadn't knocked up your mom.
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Hey, it's his God-given right to enjoy a smoke. Yes, it's bad for him. Yes, it causes cancer. Big deal. The guy goes to work every day so he can hand over his hard-earned money for baby toys, first cars, and college tuition. That's a lot of stress. Which, by the way, also causes cancer. So if he's going to get cancer anyway, we say let him have fun on the way.
2. A Gun
How is it that every dad knows how to shoot a gun? Where do they learn this stuff? Either way, contemporary society has stripped the man of all opportunity to exorcise his hard-wired lust for violence. Give him a gun. Let him pop off a few rounds at the shooting range every once in a while and he'll be a happier person.
1. Old-School Muscle Car
A 1966 Pontiac GTO, a 1968 Ford Mustang GT 390 CID Fastback, a 1968 Dodge Charger R/T 440 Magnum, or, shit, even a 1970 Plymouth GTX 440 will do the trick. Yes, your pops will feel like Steve McQueen in Bullitt as he guns it on the streets of, uh, your suburban neighborhood. Dogs will howl when he drives by, other dads will be jealous, and the kids will stop playing in the street, goddammit. He'll be so thrilled, he'll probably love that thing more than he loves you.