School's out, summer's here, and the family and friends are coming out to visit to "take in some sunshine." Fortunately, this all means it is time for some relaxation by the pool with a few popsicles, or hell, maybe even a frozen margarita.
But when friends or family suggest the following, do everyone a favor and send them home:
1. The Lake or Salt River
Ah yes, any of the "lakes" or a trip down the Salt River are lovely at 110 degrees when there's not an ounce of shade to be found and beer bongs happen to be the only source of hydration. In Arizona, we go to the lake or slosh down the river on a hot rubber tube, we drink like the fish (because we'd rather not see them), and then we do donuts in our jet-skis until we puke into the big puddle of water for the next guy. Nice.
2. The Circus
Not much says Phoenix like a good circus show in the hot dirt. Unless of course, you'd rather skip the creepy clowns, have an intact ice cream cone, and avoid being the latest case of Valley Fever. Anyone want to see the cougar jump through fire? We can do that in Scottsdale.
3. Water Parks
You don't really want to know what the lifeguard just mumbled into her walkie talkie -- mostly because it's how the kid who just flew down the huge plastic chute before you took a dump at the end. Water parks may be great for the cool down, but three showers, two corn dogs, and a wicked sunburn later, you'll wish you jumped in a cold bathtub a couple of times and called it a day. And just wait until you hear what they found in the wave pool.
Irrigation in Arizona is an interesting thing for visitors from other states. First, they're used to the water being clear. And then they're pissed when they step on a scorpion or the chunk of cactus you forgot to throw into the neighbor's yard. That guy who turns the rancid underground water dial always gets there early.
5. The Grand Canyon
The best for last. The Grand Canyon is an obligatory summer trip for anyone who knows anyone who's seen a postcard of Arizona. "Hey, I want to see that big crack you guys have in the ground." And that's exactly how the out-of-towners describe it in person, after a 5-hour car trip with bad air conditioning and melted car snacks.