Five Fourth of July Traditions that Totally Suck in Phoenix

It's that time of year when the firework stands pop up (and melt down) outside of strip malls and all things red, white, and blue whimper and wave in the blistering heat. 

Truth is, there are plenty of annual traditions that allow us to express our true love for Americana -- and they totally suck when you're attempting them in Phoenix.

So to all of you out-of-staters: enjoy your hot dogs, lemonade, and stupid abe lincoln hats.  We'll be down here, sweaty, naked, and under an A/C vent, just trying to cool down.

Read on for five activities you won't find us doing on the Fourth of July. 

1. BBQ-ing

Whether it's dad's weenie roast in the back yard or marshmallows during the fireworks show, this isn't going to happen here.

We'll be inside, tuned to NBC's coverage of Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular -- they know what they're doing and Beyonce and Brad Paisley are performing.

2. Outdoor music festivals
Summer music festivals usually bring obvious punishment and the high probability of a terrible sunburn.

Instead of standing in a mass of sweaty, screaming fans, we'll be surfing YouTube.

3. Tailgating
Probably the most common of all nationwide July 4 activities is for the family to load up, drive to a fireworks show and hang off the back of a pickup truck.

In Phoenix, we know better than to touch our asses to anything metal. 

4. Picnics
This further proves the point that Fourth of July was meant only for the first 13 colonies (where it's probably in the 80 degrees right now). 

Just try to have a picnic here, or finding grass. We'll be laying a sheet on the concrete floor and counting the days until October. 

5. Parades
You've heard of chaffing right?

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Bryan Scott Dugan