Given: Clothing, for a dude, serves one purpose when placed on a woman: to hide the things us men spend 99 percent of our time trying to see. It's a sick game you ladies seem hell-bent on playing. In other words, guys shouldn't give a shit about women's clothes because the only place we really want to see them is on the floor next to our bed.
Also Given: Phoenix, in the summertime, is hell on earth. One of the few redeeming qualities of the oppressive heat is the hope that chicks will be walking around dressed in next to nothing.
But let's get it together. Some fashion trends have tried (and failed) to adapt to the heat and some are just plain stupid. We took a look at fugly men's fashions earlier this week. Now, let's take a look at what's fugly about this season's women's line:
1. Anything That's Not a Bikini (Body Mass Index Permitting):
The bikini should be standard issue for any able-bodied woman living in the metro-Phoenix area between the months of March and October. When it's 110 degrees outside, let's face it, you're gonna sweat like a pig. There's no sense letting people know about it with nasty sweat stains. The less material for which your sweat to stain the better. And let's face it, if you got the goods, none of your co-workers are gonna complain when you show up to work in a bikini.
Three words: what...the...fugly? Levi Strauss would be puking his guts out right now.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Phoenix New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Phoenix's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Quick tip: your "jeans" should not be able to double as your yoga pants. Make up your minds, ladies: jeans or leggings. Trying to find a middle ground says one of two things to your average male: A) what about this girl couldn't squeeze into denim that doesn't stretch? And B) What's gonna come spilling out should I get this girl's ugly-ass pants off?
We'll spare you the obvious Russell Crow references and get right to the point: these things suck and you look stupid wearing them. Those extra straps provide no support, and serve as little more than an eye sore and more buckles guys need to fumble around with before achieving our main objective.
Rompers should ONLY be worn by two groups of people: children and little old ladies. Here's what goes on in a guy's head when he sees a chick in a romper: "Is it a dress? Is it shorts? Who the fuck cares, it's stupid looking. Hey, look, there's a chick in a bikini!"
5. Anything Worn by Any Cast Member of The Jersey Shore (bikinis excluded):
"Snooki" is not a role model! She is everything that's wrong with humanity packaged into a 4-foot-9-inch, whiny body. It really doesn't matter what it is, if you've seen "J-Wow" wear a piece of clothing you happen to also own, it's time to take a ride to dumpster-ville. If you watch enough Jersey Shore that you're able to recognize such outfits, jump in front of a bus (full disclosure: we watch it, too. It's like weed -- we know it's bad for us but just kinda go "eh").