Given: Clothing, for a dude, serves one purpose when placed on a woman: to hide the things us men spend 99 percent of our time trying to see. It's a sick game you ladies seem hell-bent on playing. In other words, guys shouldn't give a shit about women's clothes because the only place we really want to see them is on the floor next to our bed.
Also Given: Phoenix, in the summertime, is hell on earth. One of the few redeeming qualities of the oppressive heat is the hope that chicks will be walking around dressed in next to nothing.
But let's get it together. Some fashion trends have tried (and failed) to adapt to the heat and some are just plain stupid. We took a look at fugly men's fashions earlier this week. Now, let's take a look at what's fugly about this season's women's line:
1. Anything That's Not a Bikini (Body Mass Index Permitting):
The bikini should be standard issue for any
able-bodied woman living in the metro-Phoenix area between the months of
March and October. When it's 110 degrees outside, let's face it, you're
gonna sweat like a pig. There's no sense letting people know about it
with nasty sweat stains. The less material for which your sweat to
stain the better. And let's face it, if you got the goods, none of your
co-workers are gonna complain when you show up to work in a bikini.
2. Jeggings:
Three
words: what...the...fugly? Levi Strauss would be puking his guts out
right now.
Quick tip: your "jeans" should not be able to double as your
yoga pants. Make up your minds, ladies: jeans or leggings. Trying to find a middle
ground says one of two things to your average male: A) what about this
girl couldn't squeeze into denim that doesn't stretch? And B) What's
gonna come spilling out should I get this girl's ugly-ass pants off?
3. Gladiators:
We'll
spare you the obvious Russell Crow references and get right to the
point: these things suck and you look stupid wearing them. Those extra
straps provide no support, and serve as little more than an eye sore and
more buckles guys need to fumble around with before achieving our main
objective.
4. Rompers:
Rompers should ONLY be worn by two
groups of people: children and little old ladies. Here's what goes on in
a guy's head when he sees a chick in a romper: "Is it a dress? Is it
shorts? Who the fuck cares, it's stupid looking. Hey, look, there's a
chick in a bikini!"
5. Anything Worn by Any Cast Member of The Jersey Shore (bikinis excluded):
"Snooki"
is not a role model! She is everything that's wrong with humanity
packaged into a 4-foot-9-inch, whiny body. It really doesn't matter what it
is, if you've seen "J-Wow" wear a piece of clothing you happen to also
own, it's time to take a ride to dumpster-ville. If you watch enough
Jersey Shore that you're able to recognize such outfits, jump in front
of a bus (full disclosure: we watch it, too. It's like weed -- we know
it's bad for us but just kinda go "eh").
