Remember when unicorns were for fantasy fiction and 9-year-old girls? And then remember when certain pop music icons adopted the mythical creature as a symbol for individuality, uniqueness and as far as we can tell being "just totally, like, FABULOUS" (which was fine because celebrating the quirky and rare and glittery rocked...for a while)?
The time has come to pump the brakes on this unicorn thing. In fact let's just slam on the brakes, flip a U-turn and drive away quickly in the other direction. Our collective fascination with single-horned creatures has slowly but steadily escalated from a healthy enthrallment to a pervasive and unsettling phenomenon.
5. We're eating their "meat"
Great, because there's nothing that can put a little pep in your step like a dinner of mashed potatoes, green beans and unicorn. What next? Pan-seared mermaid and broiled Big Foot? You shouldn't eat glitter; you can't eat rainbows; and just say no to canned unicorn meat. Please.
4. You (and your dog) are dressed up like unicorns
There are a quite a few things on the shelf at Urban Outfitters that make us want to punch ourselves in the face with frustration as we ask, "Why the hell do people spend money on this stuff?" Add to the list an inflatable unicorn horn.
Also, as if dressing up your pooch isn't cruel enough now you've gone and crocheted a unicorn body suit. Really?
3. They're tattooed on your arm
More photos from Best of the 2012 Gathering of the Juggalos
No, I'm not talking about, erm...body art, like Lady Gaga's unicorn and 'Born This Way' ink stamp. Arguably, that tattoo makes sense. But an artistic interpretation of a unicorn and narwhal getting dirty doggie style has no place in the world, let alone on your bicep.
2. It was on 'Glee'
Before the Gleeks rise up and sing us off the stage, we'll point out there's nothing inherently wrong with the second episode of season three called, "I Am A Unicorn."
But after the backlash over their cover of Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know" and later in the season their adaptations of indie anthems "Tongue Tied" and "We Are Young," we have to agree that being on Glee unequivocally kills anything once viewed as non-mainstream.
Sorry, Unicorns, the New Directions have officially
bastardized conventionalized your symbol. Time to move on. How do you feel about Centaurs?
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1. You're baking their poop
We don't care if they do poop rainbows and glitter. If it's coming out the back end - actually any end at all - we don't want in in or around our mouth. Let alone the fact that Unicorn Poop Cookies probably don't taste any better than regular sugar cookies and are more time consuming and expensive to make. The kids will like chocolate chip just as much. We promise.
(But if you insist, you can find the recipe on our sister blog, Chow Bella)