Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II: No Wonder Radcliffe Drinks

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Phoenix and help keep the future of New Times free.

New Times Digital Media Fellows Bryan Dugan and Victor Gonzalez are total film buffs. Okay, not really. Bryan likes glitter and the color purple, and Victor goes to sleep incredibly early and waits for everything to hit HBO. Naturally, we sent them to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II.

Victor: I've never seen or read Harry Potter anything, but I heard that Emma Watson shows her boobs in this one.

Bryan: Oh geez. Not this one, but you should've checked out the soft-core stuff in the last one. Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis), now there's a fine Hogwarts wizard-in-training who should be the new poster boy for surviving puberty.

Victor: Really? Maybe this won't suck after all. Actually, I take that back. It looks like it's going to be in 3D. Whack.

Bryan: I love the 3D glasses! So Harry-Potter chic. Now hush and don't ruin things.

Victor: Sorry. Let me tweet a picture of all the Harry Potheads at the theater.

Intimidating Security Woman/Harry Potter Superfan: Sir, I know you're with the media, but you can't have a your cell phone out. We'll have to ask you to leave next time.

Victor: For Realz?

Bryan: (mortified) If anything happens to you, I'm going to pretend I don't know you ... It's starting! Wow. They really split this book in two. Why do we need to see Voldemort playing with Dumbledore's wand?

Victor: Wait, that dude's missing a nose. WTF?

Bryan: Should've read the books, Gonzalez.

Victor: Tell me about it. Ha, Daniel Radcliffe looks super disheveled, kind of like he's been on a 10-year bender. Don't worry Potter, it'll be over in two-and-a-half hours!

Bryan: Harry's never looked too good, though. Ron (Rupert Grint), though, looks like he's been pumping iron - take off that shirt again!

Victor: Or keep it on, whatever. Whoa, I totally wasn't expecting Griphook the Goblin (Warick Davis) to sound like that. He's got an incredibly deep voice, very masculine. I was hoping he'd sound like Verne Troyer.

Victor: Hey look, it's Tim Burton's wife. Doesn't she look a little bit like Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? You know, her mannerisms, and weird facial expressions.

Bryan: Don't let her hear you or she'll etch "mudblood" into your arm like she did to Hermione.

Victor: Or she might pee on me.

Bryan: Oh, I heard about that. She's just representing for all the pregnant women out there. Professor McGonagall (Dame Maggie Smith) is a total badass in this movie. She finally took out the stick and has taken over Hogarts. I hate that everyone waited until the last movie to stand up against You-Know-Who.

McGonagall: His name is Voldemort, so you might as well use it, he's going to try and kill you either way

Victor: Is it just me, or does Professor Severus Snape (Alan Rickman) bear a striking resemblance to the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne?

Bryan: Like Ozzy, Snape's kind of an unexpected good guy. Come on, Snape shagged Harry's mom (we all know it's true), kept up an evil front, but ended up being Harry's most helpful ally. The man died to save the wizard world and Harry named his son after him. But don't even get me started on those names J.K. came up with. Can we watch this again so I can hear Ron's mom say, "Not my daughter, you bitch!" to Bellatrix? Best scene of the series.

Victor: The end credits were the best scene of the series. Now lets go take a goofy picture in front of that Harry Potter poster.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook and Twitter.

Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.