How to Get Ready for the Apocalypse

If all the 2012 alarmists are to be believed, there are only 636 days left until Armageddon begins, er, ends.

As any apocalyptic believer will likely tell you, the Mayan's Long Count calendar ends on December 21 of next year, which many individuals believe will be the last hurrah for civilization as we know it. And Kevin Patterson plans to be ready, just in case.

The local comedian/writer/performance artist/raconteur is using his humorous blog "How to Get Ready for the Apocalypse" to provide a tongue-in-cheek chronicle of his preparations for doomsday and beyond.

"I recently realized that if society crumbles I don't have any real skills," Patterson writes on the blog. "While I am comfortable with speaking in front of people, I do not know how to raise a garden nor skin an animal. So my resolution for 2011 was to learn as much as I could in one year."

Such knowledge includes which plants and animals would be edible (cacti, gophers), where he'd seek shelter, and what the particular songs that would be appropriate to listen to as fire and brimstone rain down from the skies (such as Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Bad Moon Rising" and Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself").

​Patterson also muses on which local stores and shops should be looted after society falls (including Fry's Electronics and Petsmart), the viability of a Toyota 4×4 Pickup to cruise Mad Max-style through the abandoned post-civilization wastelands, and what lessons can be learned from post-apocalyptic flicks like I Am Legend and 2012.

His dry wit and sarcasm is laced throughout his posts and survival tips (For instance: "Stockpile spices for the apocalypse. Because who doesn't like a little flavor once life has become dreary!"), not to mention the various leaflets and other promotional materials he's been distributing at downtown Phoenix establishments like Jobot and Pravus (including a funny flier depicting several Smurfs burning in hellfire).

Even if the world doesn't end next year, Patterson admits he'll have learned some valuable lessons.

"Let's assume that Armageddon doesn't happen and it ends up being a Mayan-Y2K joke and we all laugh at Nostrodomous [sic]," he writes. "But just in case...why not work on some bankable skills?"

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Benjamin Leatherman is a staff writer at Phoenix New Times. He covers local nightlife, music, culture, geekery, and fringe pursuits.