The 2012 Presidential Debates are coming, the first of which is this Wednesday night, reminding us there's no hope left for our country.
Mitt Romney is telling us to "Believe in America," which is not a bad idea. It's similar to Stalin telling folks to "believe in Mother Russia." Hey, those Gulags created a lot of jobs!" President Obama's campaign has changed from "HOPE" and "CHANGE" to "Forward," which could mean "forward" into debt, war, utter despair or devastation (if the last four years are any indication, it certainly looks that way).
What to do? As George Bernard Shaw once said, "Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life." So at the very least, let's turn the debate into a fun little activity where you can invite your friends over and resist crying together like a backwards support group. We'll call this a "game."
Here are some guidelines:
CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER
You can drink every time your puppet of choice says something silly, or you can drink against the other dude, which is more fun. If you don't plan on voting for Romney or Obama, you should just drink for both, your liver be damned.
If you choose Obama, drink every time he mentions...
- Occupy Wall Street
- Bin Laden
- Next four years
- Job creation
- The Auto Bailout
- Gay marriage
If you choose Romney, drink every time he mentions...
- Paul Ryan
- The Middle Class
- My friends
- American Dream
- Domestic terrorism
- For those of you that want to remain sober, take a drink every time Romney says something compassionate and take a drink every time Obama reflects on a promise he didn't keep.
- To start off getting toasty, take a sip for each freak or godless organization Obama or Romney thanks in their opening remarks.
- Drink every time either candidate gives a nervous laugh or forced smile after being insulted.
- Drink every time a candidate mentions "freedom," "trillion," or "Founding Fathers."
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- Drink every time you feel like moving to Mexico.
- Keep a bucket nearby for when you start to dry heave and empty your stomach. Remember, alcohol is a dangerous drug that kills tons of people each year (far more than heroin or meth) so be responsible, then mark your calendars for these upcoming Presidential Debates:
- October 3 - Presidential Debate -- Domestic Policy
- October 16 - Presidential Debate -- Format - Town Hall
- October 22 - Presidential Debate -- Foreign Policy