Fun

Inner Monologue of an Undecided Voter

Wow, I guess it's time. So hard to choose! I mean, the two candidates are so similar, and yet so different!

This is like that time I spent six hours in Safeway trying to decide between Müslix and Count Chocula.

Or that other time I almost suffocated because I just couldn't figure out if I wanted to inhale or exhale.

Oh, geez, and I keep forgetting about the other candidates. Are they still on the ballot? That makes things so much more complicated! I just kind of want them all. Can I just write in “everybody”? Could they, like, divide up the president’s office? You know, the office in all the movies that’s shaped like an oval? Maybe they could have little overlapping offices, kind of like the Olympic rings? No? Okay. Well, I guess I have to pick, then.


It’s just so hard, because I really care about the environment, but I also really want old-fashioned American jobs. And I’ve never owned a gun, but I do want people to be able to protect themselves. And I've always liked the name "Rodham," but I also like big hotels. Man, this is just a real problem!

Flipping a coin is probably a bad idea, huh? What about the best two out of three? Rochambeau? Or should I call it Rock-Paper-Scissors? I just can’t decide!

All my friends say that if I’m not absolutely sure, I should go with my gut. Well, my gut says, “Qdoba.”

Maybe I should’ve paid closer attention to the 12 Republican debates I watched, or the nine Democratic debates, or the three presidential debates, or the hundreds of hours of televised ads I’ve seen in the past year. I just feel so bad – here they’ve spent $4.4 billion on commercials, and I've just kind of used that time as an excuse to run to the kitchen and grab another stick of beef jerky. Or should I feel bad? I just don't know!


Well, off to the polling station. Sure hope I pick the right candidate! Maybe I'll just choose one on a whim at the last minute. It’s like my mother always used to say: “You always think clearest when you’re standing behind a stiff curtain in relative silence staring at a screen that will help determine the future of your country.”

Or maybe I'll forget the whole thing. I mean, it's only four years till the next one, right?
KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Robert Isenberg