Joseph Kremer

He's played everything from a foppish French baron (in Les Liaisons Dangereuses) to a seven-foot-tall singing whisk (in Beauty and the Beast). These days, while he waits to go on as a gay baseball player in Take Me Out, Joe Kremer is learning to play Texas Hold 'Em and recalling bad auditions and his likeness to a famous TV pooch.

I knew I wanted to be in show business when I was 7 and was cast as the lead in a school play about a boy who wanted to grow up to be a frog. (It was a contemporary absurdist piece written by my second-grade teacher.)

The worst thing about being an actor is not getting enough sleep from partying too much.

The best thing about being a giant singing whisk is remembering the looks on people's faces when they saw a giant seven-and-a-half-foot-tall whisk dancing across the stage. Priceless.

My worst audition ever was my last one. I'm a horrible auditioner. I'm always surprised when I get cast in anything and am extremely grateful when I do.

The happiest day in my life was when my daughter was born. Yeah, that was a good day.

If I could be anyone other than myself, it would be no one. I'm in absolute love with myself. Ask anyone that knows me.

It's not entirely true, but I sometimes tell people that I'm 6'6" when I'm really 6'5". Isn't that pathetic?

The fictional character I am most like is Lassie. Sweet, hairy, and extremely loyal to those that pet and feed me.

I am utterly terrified of absolute dead silence. Also being trapped on a desert island without a mirror. What a nightmare.

I laugh uncontrollably at Michael Richards when he plays Kramer on Seinfeld. It truly is some of the funniest shit ever.

The one thing I absolutely refuse to do on stage is nothing. I will do anything on stage I have to in order to make it a good show.

Something I have never admitted to anyone before is I was not really trained by Lee Strasberg.

Currently I am reading The Art of Texas Hold 'Em by James Ernest and Mike Selinker.

The first time I got drunk, I ended up in my friend's mom's bathtub wearing nothing but my underwear, telling everyone how much I loved them because I thought I was going to die soon.

Like my mother used to say, "What goes around comes around."

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Robrt L. Pela has been a weekly contributor to Phoenix New Times since 1991, primarily as a cultural critic. His radio essays air on National Public Radio affiliate KJZZ's Morning Edition.
Contact: Robrt L. Pela