Laurie Notaro Writes a Handy Manual for Her Husband ... In Case She Dies Before He Does

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You may not know it, but take it from me, a dead person, that your mortality is as fragile as a piece of cheese bread that has fallen apart in an electrical appliance.

First a few common-sense things that you probably already know, but a dead wife has to cover all bases:

1. Never put a fountain in the front yard unless you just joined the mob.

2. When your next wife has a birthday, it is not enough to invite people to a party. You actually have to throw one.

3. Do not let your second wife wear my clothes.

4. Go back out to the garage and move my goddamn clothes back into the house. Now.

5. Never do your Heidi Klum impression out of this house. No one will ever get it when you say, "That dress makes me sad," and sends an otherwise terrifying message. You sound like you swallowed a chunk of banana whole and are about to throw two small children into an oven.

6. Bring your sleep apnea machine with you on dates. Yes, I know showing up with a suitcase full of medical equipment might be a deal breaker, but so is waking up next to a corpse.

7. Just to reiterate: Theoretically, yes, you're right: you are clean after a shower, but again, that cleanliness does not translate to the towel, especially after you have used it 20 times.

8. Never again list watching every single episode of Law and Order on Netflix as an "honor."

9. Keep the food in the basement in the basement. You will so eat something that expired in 2009 if it's the bona fide Apocalypse (Anderson Cooper will let you know when that is).

10. You have no street cred. If you want a second date, don't say things like street cred. Ever.

11. Don't eat the left over Mexican food you forgot was in the trunk yesterday when you find it today. Just because opening a hot trunk feels like opening an oven doesn't mean they share the same interest in not incubating botulism.

12. Never clap at skunks in the garage to "scare them away."

13. If the milk has crust on the drinky part, go to your Drink Plan B, and when your fruit juice is bubbly like soda, chew something tangy-flavored to generate saliva (if you are really that thirsty).

14. You cannot wait out the smell in the refrigerator. The house will eventually be nothing but stink and rubble. The fridge will win. Every time.

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Laurie Notaro