Gift Guides

Laurie Notaro's eBay-Inspired Holiday Gift Guide for Your "Unusual" Friends and Family

Laurie Notaro is an author, crafter, and expert at finding a good cocktail. She grew up in Phoenix, but is currently based in Eugene, Oregon. Each week, she'll be joining us to share a crafting adventure, draw a flowchart, or remember a few of her favorite things about Phoenix. Today, she shares a few special finds on eBay that could easily be given to that special someone in your close social circle this holiday season.

Everyone's holiday list has someone on it that is impossible to buy for, but imagine if you had a tweaker, Neo-Nazi or sex offender for a close relative! Try looking for those categories on Amazon's sidebar! No dice, mi amigo, no dice.

Therefore, I present to you a handy gift guide for those hard-to buy for everyone on your list who's living off the grid or on the fringe. But should something strike your fancy, move on it quickly, because the only thing more common on eBay is people in their basements selling their dead grandmas stuff is the pool of regrets the minute after you lose an auction to NikNakNut (12337).

See also: - Laurie Notaro Writes a Handy Manual for Her Husband ... In Case She Dies Before He Does - Laurie Notaro: Toss the Book You Have in Your Purse and Read These Instead - Six Words Laurie Notaro Demands People Stop Using Right Now

Drunk Dead Squirrel Seriously, if you want a squirrel, it's better to have a dead one. I have squirrels all around my house, and they pee on my deck, leave messes wherever they go and I am fairly to completely certain they carry a variety of diseases that will cause brain fungus, liquidation of the lungs and some nasty GI malfunctions. Even if you had a dead one, however, after handling, tickling, fake feeding, dressing or petting, I would still wash my hands or gently give them a tap with a blow torch before eating, brushing my teeth, or picking a chunk of apple from the cavity in between a crown and a real tooth.

A Vibrator That Belonged To Someone Who Is Now Dead Chances are, anyway. Yes. I am thinking the worst about this item, but if you look at the lady receiving the benefits of this vibrator in the manual, you really can't say that I'm wrong. There is something more than joy in those eyes. And after all this time, it still runs well! It's just a little squeaky, and needs a couple of brushes, perhaps an alcohol dip and a burning desire to push the limits of good taste before being fired up again. It even comes with its own case, which is a detail you don't see too much in the aisles of Castle Boutique nowadays. Perfect for any chunky woman who already has the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, a velvet corset, describes herself as "curious," and has taken a stab at writing her own internet porn.

Teeth Every tweaker knows that dentures are expensive, and what better way to make a toothless, scabby person who is planning to break in and steal all of your jewelry when you go back to work after Christmas break into a hearty smile? That is aside from leaving your purse on the kitchen table when you go to the bathroom. Who cares if teeth more or less need to be custom fit--there people snort lye and battery acid, so there really isn't any room to be getting picky when it comes to the gift of choppers. I mean, hey, at least they can bite people again! If your cousin Staci will have sex on the side of the river for fifteen bucks or a hamburger, she can wear a stranger's teeth. She can.

Naked Yoga/Stripper Statue Seriously, someone carved this out of wax and then cast it in bronze. It took me the better part of 15 minutes to figure out what part was what before I had to consult an anatomy book. I'm not sure who the model was for this inspired piece of naked art, but I bet her cookie is still very cold. The listing description indicates that the person who made the "Upward Vagina" sculpture is, in all likelihood, the same person who penned, "Showing great flexibility and (sic) contortionist she twists and turns her nude body allowing it to fold upward like the petals of an opening flower." Sorry, I didn't see a flower, just a ten dollar bill, but perhaps the flower was tucked under something, like a buttock. Hard to say.

Hitler Stamps

Gotta say I was shocked to stumble upon these, but not as shocked as I was to find out there were 110 other listings for Hilter stamps, too. Now, the last thing I want on my wedding invitation is the face of a mad man butcher, but if someone is selling these, someone else is collecting them. Should there be a mad man butcher/despot/dictator/blood thirsty asshole megalomaniac/neo-nazi in your family (we all have one!) your problem gift is solved. Imagine their faces when they open the tiny little box of ashes and then read the card the says, "These used to the Hitler stamps before I burned them like the garbage they are. Ho ho ho, Asshole."

I Will Legally Change My Name for a Year

Okay, so it's not as sexy as getting the losing team's logo tattooed on the side of a moron's face, but most of the people willing to make those offers have died in bathtub and light socket accidents, so the opportunities are far and few between. True, he's got a disclaimer, "Will legally change my name to anything not vulgar, sexually or derogatory," which wipes out 99 percent of the fun, but a creative person can work wonders with the very little that remains. If you are that person and you have $9,999, maybe you can beat out Mitt Romney when he places his bid for someone finally being called "President Romney" legally.

Naked Randy Travis Doll

I think this is the best holiday gift ever. All you need to complete it is a piece of shit Trans Am, a change of scrubs for the pokey, and some blue eye shadow for Naked Randy's black eye. Once on COPS, I saw a naked guy pulled over in his truck, but he wasn't exactly naked, being that he was wearing ladies' pantyhose and some high heels. So I guess it could have been worse. I wish they would make that doll. They could be friends.

Alien Face in Fence

So someone in Ventura built a fence four years ago, and over time, realized that "an obvious alien face" was poking his mug through the grain wood. And now, for another $9,999, it can be yours! I don't know what it is with the $9,999 price tag, but this one comes with a disclaimer, too: "*** DISCLAIMER *** WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY.... PARANORMAL ACTIVITIES, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS, ALIEN HAUNTING, VISITATIONS BY GRAYS, OR ANY UFO SIGHTINGS OR LANDINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT COME WITH THIS ITEM." I'll give him this; it does look like an alien head, but if the seller can't guarantee that a "landing that may or may not come with this item," I'm not sure where the value lies. If it had the face of Hilter poking through, at least then, I could burn it.

Stay tuned for new adventures with Laurie Notaro, and catch up on a few classics in any of her books including The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life,It Looked Different on the Model, I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies), There's a Slight Chance I Might Be Going to Hell, and An Idiot Girl's Christmas at Changing Hands, on Amazon, or through her website.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Laurie Notaro