Laurie Notaro's Seven Reasons Why Phoenix is Better than Portland

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Editor's Note: When architect and community activist Taz Loomans announced she was moving to Portland, we added her to a long list of Phoenicians who've decided to pack their bags and head to the Pacific Northwest.

And then we called Laurie Notaro.

Notaro is a best-selling author and frequent New Times' contributor. She lived in Phoenix for more than 30 years before moving to Eugene, Oregon. And while she's spent plenty of time in Portland, she still thinks Phoenix is better. Here's why:

See also: - Phoenix Loses Another Creative Force in Taz Loomans - Chow Bella's Candy Hearts: Food and Love Stories from Laurie Notaro, Robrt Pela, Kim Porter, Deborah Sussman, and More - Laurie Notaro's Five Reasons Why Haboobs Are Awesome

7. Phoenix is better because of refried beans.

6. Phoenix is better because moss does not grow inside of your car.

5. Phoenix is better because getting a suspicious mole sliced off your nose is cooler than spending 20 minutes a day in front of a fake sun.

4. Phoenix is cooler because you can still afford to buy a house there.

3. Phoenix is cooler because if you pick five people out of a crowd, they won't have five different food allergies or dietary restrictions.

2. Phoenix is better because if you are eating doughnuts Downtown, it is probably unlikely that two homeless heroin junkies will try to stab you and steal your doughnuts.

1. Phoenix is better because in the 30 years I lived there, I have never once seen a man duck behind a food truck with a young boy for a prostitute session.

Stay tuned for new adventures with Laurie Notaro, and catch up on a few classics in any of her books including The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life,It Looked Different on the Model, I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies), There's a Slight Chance I Might Be Going to Hell, and An Idiot Girl's Christmas at Changing Hands, on Amazon, or through her website.

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