Myst Opportunity

"It's just not the same," says Jersey Mike, as I ride with him toward Scottsdale in his '96 Thunderbird, which used to be a '96 Lincoln Mark VIII until he trashed it after a fight with his girlfriend. "It's lost its elite edge."

"Huh?" I ask my pal from Exit 162, who is wearing a nice black sports coat, and looks like a tall Denis Leary with brown hair.

"The girl at the club," Jersey Mike explains. "She was talking about Scottsdale, and she thinks it's just gotten, you know, not elite."

I tell him I have no clue what he's talking about, and that I've never been out to a club in Scottsdale, but that I have heard people at the Emerald Lounge refer to it as "Snottsdale."

"That's not fair," says Jersey Mike. "There are plenty of nice people there. Especially the ones I work with."

"Work with?" I ask, forgetting our phone conversation a few hours earlier. It must have been the wine. Or the Jose Cuervo. Or maybe the painkillers for my intestines. But most likely it was my A.D.D.

So, as we make our way down Indian School Road to check out what they call "The Scottsdale Club Scene," Mike again explains to me that he is the official photographer for Eventvibe, some Web site and club promotions thing I never heard of. He explains that his job is to take pictures of couples and women all night. Especially beautiful women. And especially go-go dancers.

"How'd you land a fuckin' great gig like that?" I ask my pal.

He explains that he took some pictures, showed them to a guy named Jay who seems to run the whole shebang, and now he's in like a tampon.

I think about Jersey Mike for a second. Here was this Jersey dude with an attitude, who arrived in Phoenix via the Chicago area, and knew more about the punk rock than anyone. Well, except for me.

And he's got this great job.

Taking photos of half-dressed women.

Hot half-dressed women.

I feel my stretch jeans start to get hard so I quickly ask Jersey Mike why he's even a photographer to begin with.

He explains to me that he one day hopes to be a great filmmaker, and he's doing this for now. Like his dad does. Mike does take good pictures. Great ones, in fact. His framing is brilliant, and he really knows how to use lighting. He's a regular Stanley Kubrick. For real.

We arrive at a club called Myst, and when I see the flames poking out of the top of the place like a Mötley Crüe video, the first thing I expect is hot chicks in fishnets telling me I've got the looks that kill.

No such luck.

When I ask Jersey Mike why they call it Myst, he tells me about the fog machines. And I thought it had to do with a video game.

We make our way inside, and the first thing I notice is that the door guy and all the bouncers look like the Baldwin brothers. Some more handsome, some more rugged. They are all quite polite, but underneath, I can tell they are ready to hit me like any other paparazzo. It's a good thing Mike has a press-badge thingy.

Inside the club, I'm surprised to see it's quite tiny. Only the size of a Wal-Mart or an airport hangar. Gee, I guess space is pretty tight out here in Arizona, huh?

We make our way around the club, and Jersey Mike shows me attractions like the VIP rooms, which they call "skyboxes." I look inside these rooms and wonder if all the sex that happens on the Internet on those "VIP" sites happens right here. Looking around at the talent in the club, I decide it does. But of course I'd never get any. I don't look like the rest of the guys in the club.

The rest of the guys in the club.

Them, I can't get over. On the way to Scottsdale, I was thinking they'd all look like Richie, Potsie, and Ralph Malph, only in penny loafers and silk jackets.

Boy, was I wrong.

They all look like tough guys from a mob film. Almost everyone seems to have dyed black hair, wears cowboy boots, and looks like Tony Manero rejects from Saturday Night Fever. And the gold chains. They're actually wearing gold chains around their necks. I begin to feel myself do the Time Warp, and the next thing I know, it's 1977.

Not only that, there are the girls. Some of them are wearing their hair feathered back like Farrah Fawcett-Majors. And other Barbie-doll-looking girls are drop-dead imitations of Heather Locklear and Linda Evans.

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George Tabb
Contact: George Tabb