No Pants Light Rail Ride: Your Pre-Drink Pairing List

In case you haven't heard, the No Pants Light Rail Ride is happening this Sunday, January 9, from 2 to 4:30 p.m.

And unless you're a freaky exhibitionist, participation in this kind of thing will require some serious pre-drinking.

We'd love to take this opportunity to offer some pairing suggestions.

Pick your favorite skivvies and consult our list to find drink recommendations that should be the perfect complement to your undie choice.

Or, at the very least, check out our list to see some lovely crotch shots.

Did you know there's a drink called a French Thong cocktail? Well, there is and, naturally, it should be the drink for you if you're willing to show those cheeks. We found a recipe here.

Joe Arpaio Pink Underwear
We suggest a Cosmopolitan to complement this bold color choice. If you're self-conscious about drinking a lady's drink, consider this: The money you spent on your underwear supports Joe Arpaio. You have bigger problems, friend.

Long Johns
This rustic look calls for the homegrown taste of
Moonshine. You're going to look like you're from the Ozarks anyway so you may as well embrace it. Now all you need is a banjo.

Boy Shorts Panties
For the lady who's a little shy to go all the way, we suggest a Mike's Hard Lemonade. True, you're gutsy enough to run around in your underwear but you're still being a bit of a wimp with those boy shorts. So it only makes sense to suck on a wimpy drink.

Men's Stretch Suspender Thong Underwear
These are so very wrong. But if you're going to sport something so nasty, it doesn't really matter what kind of alcohol you drink...because you're going to need a lot of it. We recommend sipping that libation out of a half yard cup to compliment your garment's ridiculous silhouette.

Tighty Whities
Mix 3 oz. of light beer, 1.5 oz. of vodka, and a splash of grendadine. You just made yourself a White Snake...the perfect match for your outfit.

Elephant Trunk Novelty Underwear
For the, ahem, ballsy man that goes for this look, we suggest a strong drink. Delirium Tremens, with its high alcohol content, should pack enough of a punch to make it seem like a good idea to wear such awful undies. Plus, you know, the whole elephant thing makes sense.

White Cotton Panties
For whatever reason, this is the most offensive underwear choice of all (probably because only children and unattractive moms wear white cotton panties). Rather than get too detailed with an analysis of the type of 20-something that would don these hideous things, we'll just provide a link to the recipe for the White Cotton Panties cocktail.

Boxer Shorts With Bathrobe
White Russian, Dude.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Lilia Menconi
Contact: Lilia Menconi

Latest Stories