Film and TV

Project Accessory Episode 1: Tears, Bed Springs, and Dirty Laundry

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In the workroom, everyone's pounding, tearing, and gluing away at rat traps, baby buggies, old couches and then there's the guy skinning teddy bears. He has a beard. I can't remember his name, which is fine, because at this point, most of the players are still a mystery, as we haven't been introduced to them yet. I don't know how many there are, either--it's too early to count, and at this stage of the game it's too foolish to become sincere about any of them. 

It's still only ten minutes into the horror film, and if you're going to form an attachment, there needs to be some skill assessment before the first victim gets dragged under the front porch. Better to wait, see what sort of reflexes they have and how high they can kick before you make a bet.

Nicolina Royale, who proudly proclaimed herself as a "rock and roll chick" and happily rattled off Steven Tyler and Nicki Minaj as past clients, is the first one to pee her pants after my TIVO counter says the show's been on for barely 19 minutes. In real time, it's been seven hours of doing absolutely nothing in the workroom for Nicolina as the tears drip, drip, drip. First of all, your name reminds me of a cheeseburger and I doubt you had it in third grade. So I'm a little happy that you're crying. Second of all, Steven Tyler just had food poisoning, fell down in the shower, knocked his teeth out, got new teeth and climbed on stage the same friggin night. Pull your hair out and make a necklace out of that if you have to, but Enya's not your client. Nicki Minaj is, and she'll use you as a toilet then never buy anything from you again if she sees you bawling on TV like you forgot to take your meds.  

"Yoga would be beneficial for Nicolina," Shea Curry, sometimes actress and clearly the show buzzkill, mentions sadly. Her clients include Neve Campbell and Fergie, and she will be seen in "New Year's Eve," which opens December 9! If you forget, there will be three excessively long and tedious commercials for it. My hope is that she gets dragged under the porch in about 40 minutes.

The rest of the contestant roster is the same. Each new face has a pedigreed client list that assures you that they're somebody. Gone are the days of discovering new talent on reality shows; this talent has been established, marketed and sells at retail that you and I cannot afford. 

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Laurie Notaro